


Basis Of A Survivor

by eauline



Category: Black Widow (Comics), Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Clint Barton & Steve Rogers Friendship, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Hurts So Good, Maria Hill & Natasha Romanov Friendship, Minor Sharon Carter/Steve Rogers, Natasha Romanov Is Not A Robot, Not Canon Compliant, Protective Natasha Romanov, Sexual Content, Slow Burn, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers is Not a Virgin, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:15:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 17
Words: 55,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27678650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eauline/pseuds/eauline
Summary: The fall of Moscow and the KGB is on the horizon. The USA - with Captain America as their noble leader - steps in to aid Russia in halting the uprising. However, Steve Rogers realizes that not everything is as it seems, and the red-headed and red-blooded Black Widow leading the revolution is not who he thought she was. After all, Steve Rogers and Natasha Romanoff were never made to fall in line.
Relationships: Maria Hill/Sam Wilson, Steve Rogers/Natasha Romanov
Comments: 48
Kudos: 196





	1. all the truth in a girl

**Author's Note:**

> I will come barreling out of the gate and say it... this story is intense. It is not for the faint of heart. It is rated mature containing graphic, detailed scenes of violence, rape, whipping, torture, assault, and sexual content. Do not read if you are triggered by any of these. 
> 
> This story takes place in an 'alternate universe,' not canon compliant. Most events from the Marvel Series do not happen in this book (I make my own rules) but I have some big plans. If you love Sharon and Bruce... this might not be the story for you. I actually don't hate Sharon (she's just an easy target) but we all know how much I dislike the big green guy.

_**"**_ _**all the youth in the world will not save you from growing older and all the truth in a girl is too precious to be stolen from her."** _

_\- fall in line; christina aguilera   
  
_

* * *

  
"Natalia Alianovna Romanova... one of the six Black Widows. She has been under the alias Natasha Romanoff and is the leader of this utter shit show."

Maria Hill looked at Steve Rogers as she spoke. There was a glint in her eyes that put him on edge as she stared back at him from across the glass table. 

Everyone else in the S.H.I.E.L.D. conference room was silent as Maria explained the violent, ongoing revolution in Moscow, Russia. Outside of the main edifice, agents and technicians bustled about, carrying on without a care in the world despite the chaos that reigned across the world. The sun was setting in Washington D.C., painting the sky in a stunning array of colors above The Triskelion, but the weight on Steve's shoulders was heavy, and he turned away from the projection screen that they had been staring at for hours. He stared out the window and sighed, crossing his arms across his broad chest that rose and fell steadily. It was war after war, battle after battle, and he was _tired_ , but not the kind of tired that sleep could fix. He was a solider, a super-solider designed to win wars but sometimes, the way to win was by holding out a hand in libation. A revolution was happening in Moscow for a _reason_ , an important event that should ignite change in their government. An army shouldn't be charging into the fray to disarm and control the people...

"Why do they want us tangled in this mess?" He asked, turning back to look at Maria.

"First of all, we are talking about sweet, ol' Russia. Second of all, our President just worked out a deal with Putin." Maria stated dryly. "It's not... well it's complicated. Tensions are high between the U.S. and Russia. By aiding them, we earn 'brownie points' but if this revolution succeeds, Russia's central government will be overthrown." She explained.

Steve quirked his eyebrows at her response. _It's complicated._ "This leader... Romanoff... what's the big deal about her?" He asked.

Maria pursed her lips, seemingly to second guess her response. "I forget how old you are." She laughed, and Steve rolled his eyes at her playful quip. "The KGB, specifically The Red Room, train these women... assassins. The most deadliest assassins in the world, who are essentially brainwashed. They have now turned against the KGB and destroyed the Red Room. Natasha Romanoff has killed hundreds of our own, _our citizens_ , and if she overthrows the Russian government, we are essentially... frankly put... fucked." She said as she typed on the keyboard, pulling up a grainy video on the projection screen.

Steve watched closely with narrowed eyes.

The city of Moscow lay in ruins with people, mostly women and children, lying dead and dying in the streets. The camera is swiftly jostled around and then focuses on the gallows in the middle of the destruction, one of the only structures left standing in the city. "Сегодня наконец-то снимаем Наталью Алиановну Романову. Сегодня она умирает!" _[Today, we finally take down Natalia Alianovna Romanova. Today, she dies!]_ A man shouts enthusiastically as he stands proud on top of the gallows.

On her knees beside him, her hands tied in front of her, sits a young woman, her red hair blowing in the wind and her captivating, feminine features calm and quiet as she stares ahead into the audience that has gathered below the gallows.

_Natasha._

Her stare chills Steve to his core, how deadly and calm she appears despite death staring right back at her. Her lip is cut and her nose is bleeding, whip lashes tearing apart the shirt she wears as her blood stains the fabric red. Steve feels a pang of sympathy for her, but he quickly remembers that she is a cold-blooded killer.

Her lips part and she begins to speak stoically. "Так оно и есть. Может, это никогда не изменится, но у меня есть ум, чтобы показать свою силу, и у меня есть право высказать свое мнение, и я заплачу за это ... они сожгут меня на костре, но у меня пожар мои вены. Меня не заставляли стоять в очереди ... нас не заставляли стоять в очереди." _[It's just the way it is. Maybe it's never gonna change, but I got a mind to show my strength and I got a right to speak my mind and I'm gonna pay for this... they're gonna burn me at the stake but I got a fire in my veins. I wasn't made to fall in line... we weren't made to fall in line, and we will fight for our freedom for as long as we breathe!]_

Steve's eyes flicker away from the screen for a brief moment as a swell of emotion surges through his chest. "I see why she has many followers. She is quite inspirational, isn't she?" He chuckles bitterly.

"Закрой свой рот и выставь мне задницу!" _[Shut your mouth and stick your ass out for me!]_ The man hisses, yanking her head back and pulling out a knife to slit her throat. "Кто вам сказал, что вам позволено думать?" _[Who told you you're allowed to think?]_

As he presses the knife to her neck, there is a sudden uproar, loud gunshots piercing the air, and the startled man pulls back from Natasha to look around with wide eyes. She suddenly leaps to her feet and turns around, snatching the knife from him and cutting the ropes from her wrist. She then slits his throat, the man gurgling as blood sprays everywhere, and the video cuts out abruptly as people begin screaming.

"I see how dangerous she is." Steve sighed, rubbing his eyes. Natasha was a deadly fighter, someone he wasn't sure he wanted to face. It wasn't because she was a woman, _no_ , but there was something about _her_ that set him on edge. Something about her eyes that shone with _something_ he couldn't quite put his finger on.

_Something about her._

He hoped that he would never have to look into those emerald eyes that would haunt him for the rest of that night, even as he held his girlfriend in his arms.   
  


* * *

  
A woman screamed, a desperate terrified scream that shouldn't have gone unheard.

However, her cries were ignored from the men that stood around her with sinister smirks on their hideous faces. 

Over her sobs, the woman heard the men unzipping their pants. She heard their sinister chuckles, the way they casually conversed amongst themselves, talking about how sexy and _willing_ she was to surrender herself to them.

The woman screamed again as she realized what was to come... her fate. Her heart began to race, a chill slivering down her spine, and her thighs instinctively clenched closed. _She knew._ Her hands were tied above her head and a rag was stuffed into her mouth, muffling her screams and cries that were deafened by the shouting and bullets that pierced the air outside the crumbling building she was restrained in.

"Ты красивая." _[You're stunning.]_ One of the men said as he walked towards her slowly, his pants hanging low on his hips. "И вы все мои ... пока." _[And you are all mine... for now.]_

The woman's eyes widened with fear, and she pulled uselessly against the ropes restraining her, entirely numb to the way blood dripped down her wrists as adrenaline surged through her body. She didn't know how much time had passed, whether it had been hours or days with her captors. All she knew was that she wanted it to end, the pain, the _suffering_. She couldn't take it anymore yet she had to. She had to take the way the man kneeled by her legs and yanked her thighs apart with strength she didn't know he had. She had to take the way he fit himself between her legs and pulled his cock from his pants. She had to take it all... she was forced to take it all. She screamed through the rag, a muffled scream that made the other men around her laugh as they began to pleasure themselves, getting off on the sight of the man shoving himself into her and rutting his hips against hers. 

She squeezed her eyes shut as she screamed, willing death to come and take away it all... _all the pain._

Only death didn't come.

Instead, a savior came.

A dark angel that came barreling upstairs into the room. 

An angel sent from above.

The men began to panic, and the woman opened her eyes as the man pulled his cock from her and stumbled to his feet.

She couldn't see much from where she lay, only perceiving her savior bringing down the men in a matter of seconds. She heard her savior's kicks and the men gurgling, gasping for their final breaths until they all lay around her.

 _No_ , death hadn't come for her unlike it had for her tormentors.

A Black Widow had.

The woman cried with relief as the Black Widow yanked the rag from her mouth and cut the ropes that restrained her. The Black Widow's red hair framed her face, her green eyes sparkling with life, determination, and anger as she saved the woman from a horrid fate so many others had scummed to. The woman cried more and more as the Black Widow shoved clothes into her lap and helped her to her feet. 

"Вы в порядке, но вам нужно отправиться на нашу базу, где вы будете в безопасности. Вы понимаете меня? Вы знаете, где находится база?" _[You're okay, but you need to go to our base where you will be safe. Do you understand me? Do you know where base is?]_ The Black Widow said hurriedly.

Time was not on their side.

"Д-да!" _[Y-yes!]_ The woman gasped. "Спасибо. Наташа, ты наш спаситель!" _[Thank you. You are our savior, Natasha!]_ She said, grabbing onto the red-head's hand and staring at her, her eyes shining with gratefulness and admiration.

"Идите сейчас же!" _[Go now!]_ Natasha shouted, gently shoving the woman away from her and watching her run down the stairs.

At Natasha's feet, she saw one of the men reach for his gun, but she pulled out her own and shot him in the chest with a low growl of resentment. She had made it just in the nick of time after hearing reports of a woman restrained in the city's southern building, and she tried not to think about the woman's fate if she hadn't made it in time.

Sighing heavily, Natasha tucked her handgun into her waistband of her pants and jogged up the stairs to the roof. Since she was here, she figured that she might as well scour the sector for any more men that were involved in the woman's kidnapping. The sun shined down on the ruined city as Natasha carefully edged towards the roof and flattened herself onto her stomach out of sight of anyone below her. She loaded another round into her gun and positioned herself as a sniper would, her eyes narrowed and watchful.

All was quiet for now.

In the distance just a few miles away, she saw the Red Room still burning as smoke clouded the sky. A swell of pride surged in her chest as a smile tugged at the corner of her lips. 

_They were free._

Well, somewhat free.

They still had to win the fight, _the war,_ but the Black Widows had broken free from the clutches of the rampant KGB and were fighting for the women and children of Moscow that had been oppressed and exploited for decades. Women were whipped and raped in public, tortured and drowned for refusing to surrender their children to the Red Room, for refusing to marry men of the government and willingly fall into bed with them. The gallows and torture chambers still stood, heavily guarded where the government's armed soldiers had set up their base, but the Black Widows _would_ bring it down.

_They had to._

They couldn't lose. They had to save the innocent women and children of Moscow.

Although, Natasha's thoughts had drifted to the start of the revolt, she was still focused and she perceived the steady _hum_ of aircraft overhead. Swiftly rushing back into the building, she stared out the window and watched the massive jet ascend to the ground near the middle of the city where the government's infantry had set up their base.

"Yelena, we got a problem... a _big_ problem." Natasha hissed into her earpiece connecting her to the other Black Widows. Rushing down the stairs and out of the building, she quickly ran back to their own base just a few yards away where women and children had sought safety and were protected by deflected agents of the Red Room. She remained outside, tucked into the shadows with her gun clutched in her hands as she waited to hear from one of her teammates.

"What?" Yelena, Natasha's sister, finally huffed in response, sounding winded as if she had been fighting.

"Look outside and tell me what the hell we're supposed to do about this!" Natasha snapped, squinting her eyes and reading the name of the aircraft.

_United States Armed Forces._

A thousand questions whirled in her mind, but one thing was clear.

America had come to aid the Moscow government in halting the revolution.

They were not on their side.

"Oh, shit." Yelena groaned.


	2. fall in line

_**"it's just the way it is.** _ _**maybe it's never gonna change but i got a mind to show my strength and i got a right to speak my mind and i'm gonna pay for this, they're gonna burn me at the stake but i got a fire in my veins.** _ _**i wasn't made to fall in line."** _

_\- fall in line; christina aguilera_

* * *

  
“We truly thank you for coming to our aid." 

Steve smiled politely as he walked through the base with the commander who spoke English with a thick, Russian accent. Beside him was Sharon Carter who walked with her head held high as men gaped at her. It put him on edge, the way their gazes lingered on his girlfriend, but he presumed the soldiers weren't used to seeing a woman officer and tried to ignore their stares.

The government's base, a bunker underneath the gallows in the video where Natasha Romanoff had almost been executed, was well stocked and organized effectively. However, the soldiers appeared battered and weary from fighting a war they had been losing.

Steve knew the look well.

He had wore it himself. 

The commander led him through the base and into his office. He appeared no worse for wear than his soldiers. "You need to tell me more about how the Black Widows' have been operating and what you know about them." Steve told the commander as the man gestured for him and Sharon to take a seat in the chairs in front of his desk. "If you need our help, clearly things are not working out in your favor."

The commander's eyes seemed to flare in resentment as he spoke. "These woman... there are six Black Widows and dozens of spies, deflected soldiers, and lower-ranking assassins from the Red Room that fight for them. They are deadly, murderous people who feed off pain. We know they have a base where they are holding many of our citizens captive, but it is heavily guarded, and we haven't been able to push through the barrier to save our people. Their leader, Romanoff, I will admit she is very smart. We don't see her much - she is usually a sniper - but we had almost killed her a few days ago until she slipped right through our fingers. She has this stupid phrase... 'I wasn't made to fall in line,' and I don't know who the fuck told her she's allowed to think and speak her mind." The commander said with huffed as he lit a cigarette and took one, long inhale.

Steve frowned.

_Who told her she's allowed to think and speak her mind?_

Were woman looked down upon in Moscow? Is that why the soldiers had been staring at Sharon? He had heard a man say the same thing in the video that Maria had showed him, and it set him on edge. He had thought the Red Room had brainwashed the Black Widows but had they cleared themselves of the abstraction? What were they fighting for if they had already burned the Red Room to the ground?

Before Steve could think too deeply about the questions that spun around in his mind, the commander pulled out a map that he spread onto the table. "We know their base is here." He said, pointing to a southern building of what had once been the prosperous city of Moscow. "Our goal is to infiltrate their base and save our people while hopefully executing these god-awful women."

"Holding the city down hasn't worked for you... they must have some powerful weapons." Steve mused quietly, almost to himself.

The commander appeared vexed at Steve's comment, not willing to admit defeat. "Do not let a Black Widow seduce you into bed." The man smirked, seemingly trying to get back at Steve with a pointed quip.

"We won't have to worry about that." Steve shrugged, taking Sharon's hand and squeezing softly. She smiled at him, and the commander _humphed_ to himself. He and Sharon had been together for almost a year, and she had been by his side the moment he awoke from the ice. He loved her, and he was convinced that no woman could change that. "I will send my troops right into battle to infiltrate the base. With your civilians captured, we need to get to them as quickly as possible." Steve said. It was a simple and straightforward plan, but simple was always better. "We will try to apprehend the Black Widows alive, but we won't sacrifice civilian safety."

The commander hummed in acknowledgment but before he could reply, one of the Russian soldiers burst into the office with an elated expression on his face. "We got one!" He exclaimed, and the commander jumped to his feet excitedly.

"You're in for a treat, Captain!" He smirked and led them through the bunker to stand below the gallows outside.

Steve and Sharon followed quietly, meeting each other's gaze and wondering who they had captured from the rebels. A top of the structure was a teenage girl, no older than sixteen, tied to the post on her knees. Steve's stomach twisted uncomfortably when he saw the whip clutched in a man's hand as he climbed to the platform. "Эта сука застрелила пятерых наших людей!" _[This bitch has shot five of our people!]_ The man shouted as he stood over the girl. The girl was as stoically calm as he'd seen Natasha in the video, and Steve wondered if she had trained them to be so poise.

Steve didn't speak Russian, but he knew the words that she spoke moments before the whip licked at her back. "Меня не заставили попасть в очередь!" _[I wasn't made to fall in line!]_

Steve was startled as the whip lashed her with a loud _crack_. The girl did not even cry out as tears began to stream down her face. Over and over again, the man violently whipped her, but she was deathly silent. Her shirt was torn to shreds like Natasha's had been, blood dripping down her back and onto the wood that was already stained with blood. Steve watched with horror until he felt as though he was going to be sick. Turning away, he rushed back to the Quinjet just a few yards away and locked himself in the private bathroom where he leaned over the sink. No one deserved to be tortured no matter what they had done, especially not a young girl. The sink crumbled under his strong grip, and he stared at himself in the mirror, questioning everything about the mission he had agreed to. How could he fight for those who tortured women... _children_? Wasn't he supposed to stand for all the goodness in the world, even if he stood alone?

He swiftly pulled out his phone and dialed the one person who knew more about the mission than he did.

"Steve? Why are you calling?" Maria snapped as she answered his call on the third ring.

"Maria... I... God, they are whipping this young girl, and I don't know what to think!" Steve spoke hurriedly into the phone, hoping none of his teammates could overhear him.

Maria huffed, not sounding surprised as Steve thought that she'd be. "I said the situation was complicated!" She exclaimed.

Anger flared in Steve's veins. Why was she being so vague? "Explain it to me Maria!"

"Damn it, Steve! Fury has been following this revolution for months. He thinks that the Black Widows are fighting for their freedom as well as the freedom of other women in Moscow. Their people are being oppressed..." She sighed.

Suddenly, all the pieces fell together for Steve, and he realized that _nothing_ was as it seemed. "So we are fighting for the wrong team?" He asked cautiously, wishing that he could drill Fury for all the answers instead of trying to pry them from Maria.

"Go against the President's orders and see how that turns out for us! I tried to tell you how fucked up this is, but you didn't catch on just like a typical man." Maria said. 

"What the hell am I supposed to do then?" He asked.

"Do what you know is right... you are our Captain." Maria said firmly before she ended the call.

Did she want him to go against the President's orders?

Would his team side with their captain or would he stand alone?

Inhaling deeply as the churning in his stomach finally dissipating, Steve strapped on his helmet and grabbed his shield. Even if he stood alone, he would fight for those who didn't have a choice. Even if he didn't have all the answers, one thing had become clear. He was on the rebel's side, and he wished that he had heard their cries for help earlier. Storming out of the Quinjet, he dared to look up at the gallows where the teenager lay _dead_ in a pool of her own blood. He grit his teeth and gripped his shield tighter. He longed to rip apart the man who had killed her, but he had his own mission now. He had to save the people of Moscow before they were murdered in cold blood.

However before he could charge into the fray, Sharon grasped his hand and pulled him aside. "What are you doing?" She hissed, her wide eyes staring up at him. In his azure orbs, she could see his anger, the rage that had consumed him, and she knew no good could come from it.

"I am not fighting for these awful people. We have to defend these women." Steve replied quickly but as he tried to pull away, Sharon held onto him tighter.

"You can't, Steve! We'll have a whole uprising on our hands, and we'll be arrested as soon as we get back to America!" Sharon snapped. "I know it sucks but these women are murderers who deserve what they have gotten."

Steve shook his head, his heart twisting painfully. No one deserved to be tortured and whipped until they bled out. "We have to fight for what is right." He said firmly. Sharon wasn't on his side, but she didn't have to be. He had stood alone before, and he'd do it again for what he believed in.

In his anger, Steve hadn't realized that all eyes had been on him, and the soldiers thought that the battle had begun. Suddenly, they charged towards the southern part of the city where the rebel's base was located, weapons drawn and their faces set in determination.

_This hadn't been the plan!_

"Stop... stop!" Steve yelled repeatedly, but his shouts went unheard over the battle cries and gun shots that had begun. Panic seized his chest, and he charged ahead to the frontlines, demanding the Russian soldiers fall back. However, most of them didn't speak English and didn't heed his demands. "We are not fighting for Moscow's government. We are on the rebel's side. Do not attack!" Steve shouted into his team's communication system, hoping they would comply to his orders.

He turned off his headset as his team began to ask him a hundred questions and focused on defending the base by knocking out as many government soldiers as he could. Rebel fighters charged from the base to defend it, and he was surprised with how well the women fought. He swiftly understood why they had the upper hand, and he hoped the war would be easily won.

He was grateful that it seemed the rebel's understood that he was on their side and fought with him. Each throw of his shield was utterly precise, and each swift punch and kick was virulent that brought down solider after solider until few were left standing. However, his attention was drawn away from the fighting when he heard one of the men begin shouting. "Не такая уж и крутая шлюха!" _[Not so tough, are you now whore!]_ The man exclaimed as he, along with two other men, took down a woman that Steve recognized immediately. 

_Natasha Romanoff._

Two men held her down as another tried to stab her with a knife she narrowly avoided with twists of her body. She was their leader, the flare of the revolution that burned fiercely like a wildfire and the flame that couldn't be doused. _He had to save her._ Throwing his shield with a grunt, he struck the two men holding her down. The other man managed to graze her shoulder with the knife but within the blink of an eye, Steve had bolted over to them and knocked him out with a swift blow to the head.

He was breathing hard and so was she as they stared at one another. Her expression was unreadable but her emerald eyes struck his core, _those damn eyes_ , gazing at him with surprise and gratefulness reflecting in them. She was a hell of a lot more beautiful than he thought she'd be, but he tried not to think about that because it definitely wasn't the time.

He held his hand out to her, hoping she'd take it. She stared up at him but then glanced at his hand, evidently distrustful of the country he represented as Captain America.

"I wasn't made to fall in line." He said firmly.

She laid on the ground for a moment before she finally reached up and took his hand with a soft smile as she heard what he had said.

_Her own words... I wasn’t made to fall in line._

He pulled her to her feet and returned her smile. "You will not fight alone." He told her.

"Neither will you." She spoke in a thick accent that stirred something in his chest. She suddenly leapt forward as a solider charged at him, bringing the man down with an impressive array of kicks and punches.

He fell into stride with her and they fought together, easily predicting one other's moves. He had never had a teammate - much less someone who he'd just met - fight with him so well. It was something that was as almost as breathing, the way his strength complimented her speed. She wasn't strong, but she knew the body's weakest spots, and she was a hell of a fighter.

The rebels, Steve now one of them, defended the base until they were the only ones left standing. Everyone began to celebrate their triumph and only then did he take a close look at Natasha, who seemed to be doing the same thing to him. Her emerald eyes watched him closely, her flaming, red hair framing her features. He perceived the blood shining on her black ensemble from her wounded shoulder, but she appeared unbothered by it and finally glanced up into his eyes.

"I didn't think you would speak English." He quipped, trying to ease the tension between them. He hadn't even wanted to look into her eyes when he heard about who she was but now, he found himself not wanting to look away.

She shifted uncomfortably under his gaze and tucked her gun into her waistband. "I speak nine languages." She retorted, striding away from him and into the entrance of the base that they had fought to defend. He gaped at her as she walked away but swiftly snapped his jaw shut as she glanced back at him. "Are you here to help or not?"

Trying not to smirk to himself, Steve clipped his shield onto the back of his suit and followed the interesting woman into the base.

"We have people who need medical help." She told him as he came to stand beside her. 

He looked around at the hundreds of women and children huddled together for warmth, nurses bandaging battle wounds and holding the hands of those taking their final breaths. It was a sorrowful sight and suddenly, Steve had a thousand regrets. How - _why_ \- couldn't he have seen it all before? Why had he waited so long to stand up for the people who desperately needed help?

"Banner, we need assistance." Steve sighed and radioed for the doctor, hoping his team had heeded his orders and wouldn't attack the base.

"We are on our way to help." Bruce Banner replied quickly, and Steve was relieved to hear that they were on the same side.

Before he could take another step into the building, a young boy ran up to Natasha and grasped her hands. The child stared up at her with wide, fearful eyes and spoke hurriedly. "Мы в безопасности? Нам с мамой нужно прятаться?" _[Are we safe? Do momma and I have to hide?]_

Natasha looked at Steve expectantly but all he could do was shrug bashfully, wishing that he spoke Russian. "He asked if they are safe." She translated. "Are we?"

"How do you say yes?" He asked.

_They were safe._

She pursed her lips, seemingly to think better of her response that Steve was sure would've poked fun at him. "Да, ты в безопасности." _[Yes, you are safe.]_ She told the young boy before she ushered him back to his mother.

"How many people have you lost?" Steve asked as he and Natasha slowly walked through the rows of people.

He occasionally stopped to adjust the blanket of a wounded agent and when a crowd of children ran up to him shouting excitedly, she explained that they knew who he was, and he happily offered them his shield to play with.

She watched the children trot off with the shield, and it took her a while to reply to his question. "Too many. It's been very hard on us. We just managed to burn down the Red Room a few days ago. I know there are women who have been kidnapped and are still out there, but I don't have the resources to find them."

Before he could assure her that his team would help her, a woman walked up to them. She was one of the six Black Widow's that Maria had showed him a photo of and if Steve wasn't mistaken, she was Natasha's sister. Although her hair was blonde, they had similar facial structures and the same, verdant eyes.

"Это не может быть тем, кем я думаю." _[That can't be who I think it is.]_ The woman hissed through her teeth as she faced Natasha, her eyes flaring.

Steve didn't speak their language, but he could tell that she didn't like him.

"Это." _[It is.]_ Natasha replied shortly.

Her sister grumbled under her breath, and Steve smiled cheekily as she turned to glare at him. "Нат..." _[Nat...]_

"Я знаю, Елена. Не напоминай мне." _[I know, Yelena. Don't remind me.]_ Natasha groaned.

"Можем ли мы ему доверять?" _[Can we trust him?]_ Yelena asked.

Natasha nodded without hesitation. "Да. Если нет, я убью его." _[Yes. If not I will kill him.]_

Both Natasha and Yelena laughed, and Steve wasn't sure if he wanted to know what had been said.

There was sudden commotion at the entrance of the base and the three of them turned to look at the American infantry bustling inside. Steve's soldiers and medical personnel went to work immediately, and he watched proudly as they began to treat those that the nurses couldn't, offered water bottles and food to those who needed it, and assured children that they were going to be okay.

Yelena seemed to relax until Sharon Carter locked eyes with Natasha from across the room. "Arrest her!" The American yelled.

However before Yelena could even unclip her gun, Steve stepped in front of Natasha. "What the hell, Sharon?" He growled.

"We gotta' bring back a prize." Rumlow quipped with a smirk, making Steve grind his teeth together. He had never liked the vile man, but he _hated_ him now. "You really think we can get away with the shit you pulled and not bring back a Black Widow for the President?"

"You better watch your fucking mouth." Yelena snapped before Steve could shout at Rumlow himself.

Natasha grasped her sister's shirt to pull her back as she lunged forward with her gun clutched in her hand. "Do not fight in front of our people." She hissed at Yelena. "If I go quietly, you will help my people, and you will only take me. No one else." Natasha then affirmed to the American army.

Steve's heart leapt into his throat. She didn't deserve to be punished; dragged from her homeland and imprisoned in America. She was a hero, someone who had fought for those who couldn't, who had saved lives and ignited a revolt so powerful, they overthrew the Moscow government.

_She didn't deserve this._

"Romanoff, you don't have to do this. We can figure something out." He told her imploringly.

"I must protect my family. I know how these things work, and this is the only way to keep the peace right now. Stay here and make sure everyone is taken care of." She said before she looked at her sister. "Елена, ему можно доверять." _[Yelena, you can trust him.]_

Natasha glanced back at Steve, and their eyes locked.

"You have my word." He said, holding her gaze until she was handcuffed and dragged away.


	3. shut your mouth

_**“right, two, three. shut your mouth, stick your ass out for me. march, two, three. one, two, three. who told you you're allowed to think?"** _

_\- fall in line; christina aguilera_

* * *

  
It was his fucking fault.

The guilt was staggering, threatening to bring Steve Roger's to his knees.

He had fucked up.

_Big time._

He didn't regret his choice to defend the rebels of Moscow and overthrow their barbarous government. He didn't regret staying behind to help the people who desperately needed it, assuring that they would be taken care of even after he left and that the remaining Black Widows wouldn't be arrested. He didn't regret keeping his promise to Natasha Romanoff. However, he regretted not fighting harder for her freedom. He regretted not standing up for her when he _knew_ it was the right thing to do. Now, he had to stare at the Russian, handcuffed in an interrogation room, through a two-way mirror. Her hair was braided down her back, her blue jumpsuit a stark contrast to her pale skin and bruised features. She stared down at her hands in front of her, her eyes heavy with exhaustion as the fight was beginning to wane in her emerald orbs.

He had just returned to New York in a jet Tony Stark had sent to him and after kissing his girlfriend hello, she had led him inside to debrief. "She's escaped three times... nearly killed two of our agents, and she isn't cooperating." Sharon huffed with vexation, her arms crossed tightly over her chest.

"Well of course she isn't cooperating. She shouldn't be here." Steve sighed with the shake of his head, wishing he had control over the situation.

 _It wasn't fair_.

"You know how much I disagree with you." Sharon rolled her eyes.

She turned away from Steve, but he grasped her hand before she could walk away. "I know we're mad at each other, but I love you." He smiled at her, gently squeezing her hand.

"Yeah... yeah. I know." Sharon laughed softly before she pulled back and continued down the hallway.

He watched her walk away before he turned back to the room Natasha was held in. He frowned to himself as Rumlow and two other agents went into the room. "You still won't tell us all the other Black Widow's names, huh?" Rumlow said as he approached her with a smirk.

Natasha looked up at him, her face giving away nothing as to how she felt. She didn't look like the same woman Steve had met. She looked like the woman he had thought she was... a stone-cold killer who had been an assassin for the KGB.

He now knew that she wasn't the person he thought that she was.

"Did you talk to her?"

Steve looked to his right as Maria Hill came to stand beside him. It took him a moment to understand her question. "Yeah, I did. She was kind of... nice." Steve mused. "Funny in a weird, sort of way."

"Did she tell you anything?" Maria asked. She had a binder of paperwork in her arms that Steve hadn't noticed when he first glanced at her.

 _Was Natasha supposed to tell him something?_ "Like what?" He wondered aloud.

"That over the years, she's diverged from her missions for the KGB to kill government officials known for raping and torturing children?" She snapped.

"What?" Steve asked, looking at Maria as if she'd grown two-heads. He knew Natasha had done good in her lifetime, and she'd earned his respect. However, he had thought that most of the heinous things she'd done in her line of work were for all the wrong reasons, and it was just recently that she strayed from the path that the Red Room had made for her.

Maria shoved the binder at Steve, and he began to thumb through the highlighted notes and reports. "Fury and I have been reading through these files for two days straight. Everyone she has killed has been connected with some sort of horrific crime that traces back to the Moscow government. Our senators she killed? They were known for 'living it up' with Jeffery Epstein!" She said quietly so they weren't overheard.

Steve quickly made the connection himself. "Well, I'll be damned." He muttered.

Inside the interrogation room, Natasha refused to even acknowledge the men standing around her, trying to intimidate her. She stared ahead at the wall, her mind numb with exhaustion as she still reeled about the situation she had gotten herself into.

Had she really surrendered herself to save the people of Moscow?

_Of course she had._

She could've tried harder to escape wherever the hell she was. She could've done it and found a way back to Moscow... if only she wasn't so damn tired. She didn't know how much time had passed since she had been apprehended in Moscow and imprisoned in America, whether it had been hours or even days. It was definitely a first for her; not the torture but being in an American high-security prison. She had been in America before but only for a few, short weeks to kill the same men that had tried to help the Moscow government overthrow their revolt; the men that had been senators in the country who hated her.

_God, she was screwed._

They had tried just about every interrogation method that she had been trained to withstand, but she refused to give them any information they demanded from her.

She hoped Steve Rogers would keep his big mouth shut if he had learned anything about her people, but she doubted that he would since he was Captain America. After all, this was his homeland, not hers. However, there was something about the damn man that had sparked an... _interest_... deep within her core. For one of the first times in her life, she had a difficult time understanding someone's motives. He was easy to read, open, and honest. She'd looked into his _slightly_ captivating blue eyes and knew that he could be trusted. However, men like him always had a dark side, and she wondered how long he was going to uphold his righteous act. That is, if she would ever see him again. Apart of her hoped that she wouldn't, but apart of her hoped she would, that he was still the man who had saved her life and would keep his promise to protect her people.

 _Ugh_. She groaned in her head.

Fuck, stupid Steve Rogers and his stupid star-spangled ass. 

She was drawn from her contemplation as the man she had deduced as Rumlow set a bucket on the metal table in front of her and positioned himself over her. "We're going to try something different, Ms. Romanoff. The CIA saves this one for our special guests, and you might not have been trained for this. As soon as you feel like giving up some information, it'll all be over." He declared.

Suddenly, a towel was draped over her head and water was poured over her face.

_She was drowning._

She could feel it in her bones, her lungs burning for air as her body shuddered violently. Her heart began to pound as fear slivered up her spine. Her mouth parted as she tried to inhale, but the towel was sucked into her mouth, and she stuttered audibly. Her head began to spin, her hands trembling as white spots danced across her vision.

"What are all the Black Widows' names?" Rumlow hissed in her ear, pulling the towel away from her mouth so she wouldn't pass out.

She would never yield.

She couldn't.

She would die for her people.

_"I'm Natalia Alianovna Romanova. Number 006. Owned by the KGB."_

_She repeated the phrase over and over again, the words that had been engraved in her brain since she was twelve years old. Her first memory of the KGB was Madame B. immersing her in scalding, hot water that left burns on her skin for weeks. The woman would hold her head down until young Natalia almost passed out before Madame B. yanked her up by her hair. "Say it, Natalia!"Madame B. shouted as Natalia had began to sob._

_Fear had taken a hold of her, fear she'd never known before. Fear she didn't know could exist._

_When she failed to repeat the ten words, Madame B. shoved her back under the water. Natalia began to gasp for air she desperately needed, inhaling the scalding water into her lungs that burned like fire. Madame B. jerked her head up again, giving her the chance to say the phrase she needed to learn until it became engraved in her mind._

_It was a never ending process._

_"I'm Natalia Alianovna Romanova. Number 006. Owned by the KGB." She cried. She could feel burns splitting the corner of her lips and blistering the inside of her mouth._

_Madame B. hummed in approval. "You have a five seconds to catch your breath." The woman said._

_Five seconds passed too quickly before Natalia was being shoved under the water again and for weeks, all she think about were those ten dreaded words and the feeling of drowning._

"Their names..." Rumlow sneered.

"I'm Natalia Alianovna Romanova. Number 006. Owned by the KGB." She said when Rumlow peeled the towel away from her mouth. Each time she repeated it, he growled angrily and water-boarded her over and over again.

For one of the first times in a long time, Natasha was terrified. She couldn't breathe, her lungs burned for her, and she was drowning, overwrought with flashbacks that she had never wanted to relive.

* * *

  
Steve and Maria had stepped into an empty conference room to look over the files that Steve still couldn't believe existed. It made sense, the more he thought about everything, but it was hard to believe that a Russian assassin could have killed for all the _right_ reasons. In hindsight, she had saved thousands of women and children that no one knew were suffering. She had killed hundreds of human traffickers and bombed dozens of clubs that were known for child prostitution. She had blood on her hands, that was a fact. However, so did Steve, and he knew they all had to make sacrifices to save lives.

"We have to get her out of here." Maria mumbled, almost to herself, as Steve re-read a report of Natasha, referred to as Natalia, shooting a military commander who had raped dozens of women and trafficked them to America.

He wondered how all of it had gone amiss, that the government, _his government_ , was so oblivious to the fact that Natasha was a hero who should have never been arrested. They should've never even been assigned the mission to defend the government of Moscow. "How?" He asked absentmindedly, glancing up at his friend and colleague whom he'd worked with for almost two years. He'd never seen her so torn up about something like this before, her hair thrown atop her head in a messy bun and her eyes dark with exhaustion. She had always held herself together so well; she was usually the one reminding _him_ to keep it together.

"We are going to ask her to take a plea deal. She signs a contract, works for us as a spy for a year, and then she returns to Moscow. The government thinks if they can control her, she has a lot of value." Maria explained, digging through the piles of paperwork to give Steve a contract he didn't bother to read.

"You can't control a person like her." He shook his head. "Hell, if she took this plea deal and tried to escape, I just may have to help her."

Sharon would hate him for it, but he knew she'd forgive him eventually.

Maria snatched the contract away him as if he were to rip it apart. "You couldn't... she wouldn't. If she breaks any part of the contract, all resources are cut off from Moscow and the rest of the Black Widows would be hunted down." She said.

Anger flared in his chest. "I told her I wouldn't let that happen." He huffed. He always kept his word, but the government made it difficult when they had so much power over him. He had fought for freedom - _their freedom_ \- but he didn't get any himself.

That's how it always worked, wasn't it?

"It's what we agreed on, Captain." Maria sighed. She looked away from him as her phone buzzed with a notification. She gasped suddenly, startling Steve. "Are you fucking kidding me? Fury said they are water boarding her!" Maria shouted, slamming her phone down on the table as her and Steve leapt to their feet.

They rushed back to the interrogation room, and Steve burst inside, anger flaring in his chest as he saw the men surrounding her.

"That's enough!" He shouted, startling them. They leapt away from her and yanked the towel off her head.

She was gasping for her breath, her eyes closed as she trembled violently. He could hear her teeth chattering, and he shoved past the men to unlocked the handcuffs as Maria came into the room with towels and another jumpsuit for her to change into. He avoided looking at the men so he wouldn't send his fist flying through their faces.

"Get out." Steve snapped, turning around as Maria helped Natasha stand to her feet.

"We gotta' make sure she doesn't try to escape again." Rumlow retorted. However, he didn't dare to contend with Steve any further.

"Get the _fuck_ out." He hissed, grasping onto the back of their necks and shoving them out of the room. He left with them, turned the cameras off inside the room, and stood outside, guarding the door.

It all had happened so fast for Natasha.

One moment, she was drowning in her flashbacks, and the next moment her head had been yanked up and Steve Rogers was bursting into the room like a bull in a china closet filled with delicate glassware. A deep-seated chill in her bones had replaced the red, hot fear roaring through her, and she was left feeling helpless, weak, and pathetic.

_Utterly pathetic._

"Here." The woman said, helping Natasha out of the chair. Her legs shook violently, and she quickly wrapped a towel around herself. "I'm Maria Hill, by the way."

"It's nothing I haven't been through before." Natasha spoke thickly. _That was a lie._

She had never been tortured like that, and she wasn't sure how much she could tolerate if they did it again.

Maria helped her out of her soaking wet jumpsuit and if Natasha wasn't so damn cold, she would've been flustered about a stranger helping her strip. Quickly drying herself off, she pulled on the dry jumpsuit and wiped off the chair before she sat down again. She tried not to think about her racing heart and how her throat had tightened painfully.

"When was the last time you ate?" Maria asked. To Natasha's surprise, she didn't put the handcuffs back on as she stepped back to look at her.

Looking back, Natasha wasn't sure when she'd last ate. She had gone days without eating in the Red Room and although, her stomach had been growling, she hadn't noticed it. "I really don't know." She admitted.

"I'll be back in a few." Maria said tersely, turning around and striding purposefully to the door.

"Thanks." Natasha spoke quickly. She truly meant it.

Before Maria left, she turned back around and smiled at Natasha. "I got you, girl." She quipped, making Natasha smile.

Steve waited outside the door until Maria came out. "She needs to eat." She grumbled. Her eyes then locked on Rumlow a few feet away, and she stormed up to him, beginning to scream about prisoner rights as she called him the most creative names Steve had ever heard. He tried not to smirk to himself as he flicked the cameras back on. Inside the room, Natasha bit her lip as she heard Maria.

She already liked the woman.

Steve slowly walked into the room, but he could tell that Natasha was purposely avoiding his eyes. He knew that he had to pretend that he wasn't entirely on her side; he couldn't spark suspicion in the people in charge of him because her contract could be swiftly reinstated. However, he had to let her know that she wasn't alone in her fight, that her beginning in America wasn't in a maximum security prison, _that she was so much better than that._ He approached her from behind, watching her shoulders tense as he leaned over her. "We are going to get you out of here. I promise there is people on your side." He told her in a soft whisper. He glanced down at her, perceiving her eyelashes flutter and the way she squeezed her fingers together. On her right wrist, he noticed the identification numbers 006 tattooed directly below her thumb. The numbers were scarred as if she'd tried to burn the tattoo off, but he knew he couldn't linger any longer in the room to ask her what they meant and if she had tried to remove them herself. Although, he could assume the numbers meant that she was the sixth Black Widow. "When I slam my hand down on the table, act like I threatened you." He told her, knowing he had to put on a show in case anyone was watching the cameras.

She tapped her index finger on her arm, as if she was saying 'okay,' and Steve slammed his

fist down on the table as if he'd just threatened her. She jumped visibly, and he left the room with his shoulders pulled back, knowing he, Maria, and Fury would do the right thing together.

_As a team._

Later that night, as Natasha signed away a year of her life to an organization called S.H.I.E.L.D., she knew that she had done the right thing for her people, no matter the cost.


	4. your body & your soul

_**"listen closely 'cause no one told me but you deserve to know that in this world, you are not beholden. you do not owe them your body and your soul.”** _

_\- fall in line; christina aguilera  
  
_

* * *

  
"Be careful, baby. Don't trust anything she says." Sharon said imploringly.

She was pressed against Steve as he held her tight, every soft curve of her body pressed to his firm, vast muscles. She usually wasn't so apprehensive about him going on missions, but this time was different.

_Everything was different._

Natasha was his partner now.

Never in a million years did Captain America think he would be working with a Russian assassin - turned spy. If anyone would've told him that in the past, he might've suggested they take a trip to a mental hospital.

"I know, Sharon. I love you, okay?" Steve hummed, his hand curving along her waist as he leaned in and kissed her lips gently.

Natasha and Maria watched from beside the Quinjet, Maria grumbling in vexation as Natasha adverted her eyes. There was something about the sight of Steve holding the blonde that made her stomach twist uncomfortably, but she tried not to think too hard about it.

"If you shot them, I might not arrest you." Maria mumbled.

Natasha tried to muffle her laugh, but it ended up sounding like a snort, and it made both her and Maria giggle. It was nice to have a friend, if Natasha would call Maria that. She had been released from the maximum prison two weeks ago and was living with Maria in her lavish apartment that she knew was equipped with dozens of alarms and under continuous surveillance. However, it wasn't as bad as Natasha thought it'd be. As utterly annoyed as she was with being monitored 24/7 - frankly she was surprised the CIA didn't make her wear an ankle bracelet - her and Maria got along well and often spent their evenings watching movies, eating ice cream, and gossiping when Maria was actually supposed to be educating Natasha about S.H.I.E.L.D. and her new 'job' as a spy.

Finally, after what felt like an hour of the couple kissing, Natasha heard Steve's heavy footsteps approaching them, and she turned around to climb into the Quinjet without acknowledging him. She knew that she probably should've; he had saved her life, stayed behind in Moscow to take care of her people, and she owed him. _Big time._ He was also her partner but that was another issue in its own entirety. However, she couldn't shake the feeling she'd gotten when she saw him with Sharon. "Are we set to go, Maria?" She asked before she shut the doors of the jet.

"Yes. I'll see you both tomorrow. Try not to kill each other." Maria said with a smirk. 

Steve chuckled, bidding his friend goodbye as he climbed into the jet before Natasha decided to shut the door on him.

She had never flown a Quinjet before nor had she ever been in such an extravagant aircraft with plush, leather seats and high-tech weaponry that she could hardly wrap her head around. She was supposed to be the pilot and prove to S.H.I.E.L.D. that she was worth their while... that her people deserved the country's help. It was unfair and cruel to her people, but Natasha would wait to tell off American politicians after Moscow had been rebuilt, and the United States government wasn't looming over her head and looking over her shoulder.

"You' sure you can fly this thing?" Steve asked, sounding every bit like the Captain he was.

"I might crash it just to spite you." Natasha said tersely, sitting down in the pilot's seat and adjusting her headset. She had read about the jet, but it was nothing like actually grasping the controls in her hands as the engine rumbled underneath her. Power surged through her just like power roared through the Quinjet.

_Oh, this would be fun._

She heard Steve chuckle quietly and just as he sat down, Natasha sent the jet into the air and nearly knocked him out of the co-pilot's seat as she accidentally jerked the wings to the left.

She steadied the jet and tried to focus on the feeling of it gliding through the air as Steve grumbled beside her. "Oh, hell. You're going to kill us, Romanoff!" He said, swiftly buckling himself in and staring ahead fixedly as if they were to go down at any moment.

She rolled her eyes, quickly figuring out how to balance the wings as they ascended in altitude. "It's fine... we're fine." She laughed. Although as she thought more about his reaction, she remembered that he had been frozen in ice after a plane crash. For a brief moment, she felt bad for him and then she recalled the power of the Quinjet all in the palm of her hands, and she realized that she was having too much fun to care.

"You know, I told Maria that I thought you were nice, but I just might have to take that back." Steve mumbled. He seemed to have relaxed as he tilted his head back and glanced at her.

She tried not to shiver under his gaze as she kept her eyes ahead, wondering exactly what he was thinking, even though she knew what he was talking about. "Yeah, she told me you thought I was funny too." She mused. She was surprised when Maria told her that Steve had mentioned that. She had never thought of herself as nice or funny and hearing that Steve - _Captain America_ \- had said that put a warm feeling in her chest. Although, he probably didn't think she was either of those things after she'd brushed him off and poked fun at his fear of crashing.

"Oh..." He said. If Natasha wasn't mistaken, he sounded embarrassed. "Maybe we should set this thing to autopilot." He mumbled, quickly changing the subject.

She quickly shook her head, reaching altitude and settling back in the leather seat. "No, this is too much fun. Go do your work, симпатичный мальчик." _[Pretty boy.]_ She said with a smile. She could call him a multitude of nicknames in Russian, but he wouldn't know what a single one meant. She could, at least, hold that over his head, while he and his country dangled her freedom right under her nose.

"I'm going to learn Russian just to spite you so you won't be able to talk behind my back." Steve quipped, although he didn't really mind.

It was nice to see Natasha smile once in a while.

* * *

  
The warehouse was eerily quiet, and Natasha was on edge as she led Steve through the shadows to the core of the building. For their first mission together, they had been tasked with disabling a warehouse's surveillance system (which she found to be ironic), but Steve had refused to tell her the background of the mission. All he had told her was that terrorists had gotten their hands on weapons they shouldn't have, and she had grumbled with vexation as he'd given her a map and told her to figure out the best way to the surveillance room. It felt as though the weight of the mission was on her shoulders, but she knew that was Nick Fury's intention. She still wasn't sure how she felt about that man, even though he had helped her understand the contract before she made the decision to sign it.

Tucking her gun to her chest as she heard the sound of boots on the concrete floor, her and Steve tucked themselves against the wall. It wasn't their job to arrest the terrorists, and it wasn't their job to kill them either; they had to stay hidden. "Just stay here. I'm going to try and go in without being noticed." Natasha whispered to him. She could feel the heat radiating off him as he stood close to her, and she glanced back at him as he hummed in acknowledgement. _He was standing too damn close._ It made her heart leap into her throat and her stomach twist in a way that had nothing to do with the mission. She needed to focus, but it was hard to with a man like Steve beside her. She noticed his azure eyes sparkling in the low lights, the soft dusting of freckles across his nose, and the arches of his face that resembled that of a Greek God. She was one of the few Black Widows who hadn't slept with a dozen men to complete a KGB mission; she wasn't who anyone thought she was. However as a woman, she could surely appreciate beauty, but she hadn't felt such strong feelings for a man. She knew, however, that her feelings were far from appropriate, especially because he was dating Sharon Carter, the woman who had her arrested.

Shoving her gun into the holster on her hip, she turned away from him and ignored the way her heart raced. Slinking along the shadows, Natasha eyed the surveillance door just a few yards away. Two guards stood in front of it, but Natasha knew she wouldn't have a problem taking them out. She knew, however, that she would have a hard time being quiet enough to not draw attention to the scuffle. Inhaling sharply, she charged forward and with two swift kicks to the men's heads, they were unconscious on the ground. She hoped no one had heard them collapse and slipped into the room. Their technology was relatively advanced, but she wouldn't have a problem hacking into it. Working quickly, her fingers flew across the keyboard and opened their network. It was easy to figure out where to type in the code S.H.I.E.L.D. had given her before she hacked into their system, rewired the commands, and shut it down.

Just as she turned to leave, five armed guards burst into the room. Before they could begin shooting at her, she charged at them. Like a spider played with its prey, she took them out with stealth, combat moves engraved in her brain.

As the last man collapsed, Steve Rogers suddenly burst into the room like the hero he was made to be. His shield clanged loudly against the doorframe and more guards began to file into the room as they heard the noise. He took out two guards with his shield as Natasha fired a round from her gun that brought down the rest.

"Great! Now we need backup and medical." She huffed, glaring at Steve with fire blazing in her emerald eyes. She hadn't wanted or needed his help and if he hadn't come and made as much noise as humanly possible, they wouldn't have had this mess on their hands.

He ignored her as he radioed for the rest of their team, and Natasha crossed her arms over her chest, wishing she could sink through the floor because _her_ mission had failed. Even if it wasn't necessarily her fault, it reflected on her, and she was never supposed to fail.

* * *

  
"I had it!" Natasha finally snapped as her and Steve stepped off the elevator that led to their hotel room. "You shouldn't have jumped into the fight."

"You really don't get it yet. You don't fight alone." Steve snapped back.

He sounded as exasperated as Natasha was, even though she didn't think that he had the right to be. He was the one who had entirely fucked up their mission, and Natasha was fuming with anger.

As they walked down the hall, silence settled between them. It was so thick with tension that she swore she could've slice it with her knife. She walked ahead of him to their suite and once they reached room, she swiftly unlocked the door and yanked it open with plans to relax in a bath with a bottle of wine... or vodka. However, she was ataken back as she stepped inside and saw that they had been assigned a room with two beds pressed against each wall. "I have to share a room with you?" She frowned.

"Trust me, Romanoff. This is the last thing I wanted to do." Steve sighed with the shake of his head.

"Go book another room then." She hissed through her teeth. She had always been skilled at masking her emotions, but she was tired and entirely vexed with her new 'partner.'

"I can't and you know why." He replied shortly.

24/7 surveillance.

She growled under her breath, tossing her bag aside and shutting herself in the bathroom. She tore off her black catsuit and ran a bath for herself as she tried not to think about how homesick she really was. She knew that everything would change when they overthrew the KGB, but she hadn't envisioned her entire life - _everything she'd ever known_ \- would be torn away from her.

Inside the suite, Steve sat down on one of the beds and sighed heavily as he combed his fingers through his tousled hair. He was too proud to admit it to Natasha, but he knew that he was the reason why their mission had gone haywire. He should've just stepped back and trusted her - _his partner_. If he wouldn't have charged into the fray and started an unnecessary fight, maybe he and Natasha wouldn't be arguing. He knew she didn't consider him a friend, but he didn't want to be stuck in a hotel room with her in tense, awkward silence.

He could hardly believe he had to share a room with her in case she tried to escape. Even if she did, he'd probably let her go.

Before he had time to completely wither away in the guilt that consumed him, his phone rung with a S.H.I.E.L.D's notification, and he wondered if Sharon was calling to check in on them. He pulled out his phone and huffed as he saw who was calling.

 _Rumlow_.

"What?" Steve sighed as he answered the call. As much as he would've liked to ignore it, he knew that if he had, he would hear an earful from Fury later.

"Did you ever figure out the other Black Widows' names?" Rumlow asked.

Anger flared in Steve's chest, and he resisted the urge to hang up on the cruel man who had unjustly water boarded Natasha. Just as he thought about how frightened she had looked, she came from the steaming bathroom looking every bit like a normal woman he had never imagined her as. His breath caught in his throat, and he tried not to stare at her creamy, long legs and toned thighs where the hem of her shorts reached. Her face was free of makeup, and she used a towel to dry her hair that had begun to curl at the ends. As she reached up, her sweatshirt rode up her stomach and exposed the arch of her hipbones. Before his imagination began to run wild, he swiftly remembered why he shouldn't even be looking at her, much less wondering if her skin was as soft as it appeared to be.

_Sharon... his girlfriend!_

"Captain?" Rumlow said, drawing him from his contemplation.

His anger swiftly returned. "No, I don't know anything about them. Don't ask me again." He retorted before he ended the call.

He could feel Natasha's eyes on him, and he glanced up at her as she sat down on the other bed across the room. "You aren't going to tell them all about my people? The girls said you met them all." She asked.

Of course, she had been eavesdropping. Sometimes, Steve forgot she was one of the best spies and assassins in the world, especially when she appeared to be so _normal_.

"Of course not. It may not seem like it, but I'm on your side. Plus I don't think we could handle five more Black Widows. Especially your sister, Yelena. That woman threatened to shoot me so many times..." Steve chuckled to himself. Evidently, Natasha had been communicating with the other Black Widows, but he wouldn't dare call her out on the breach of her contract because she should've never had to sign it in the first place. He already felt guilty about screwing up their mission.

She was silent for a few more moments before she spoke again. "So your girl isn't going to kill me for sharing a room with you?" She teased.

He knew she was trying to soften the tension between them. "No. I don't think Fury mentioned this part to Sharon." Steve chuckled. He hadn't even known they'd be sharing a room until the morning of the mission.

She hummed, falling silent again as she tucked herself under the covers and laid her head down on the pillow. 

Steve knew he had to say _something_. "Listen, I know we spent most of the day arguing but as I told you, I'm on your side. I hate this too, but the government has all the control."

"Yeah, they seem pretty controlling." She muttered quietly.

"You don't even know... well maybe you do." He mused.

Natasha sighed, rolling over onto her side to look at Steve. "Tell me so I can understand." She said. She wasn't sure what made her say it, the words that hung in their air between them as Steve tried to figure out what to say. Maybe she needed the reassurance that he was really on her side, that her people mattered to him, and he was more than a solider.

Or maybe she just needed reassurance that he wouldn't murder her as she slept that night.

He was quiet, and Natasha was beginning to regret asking him to open up to her, until he finally spoke. 

"I was never forced to become Captain America, and I don't regret it. However after I took the super-serum, I felt like - still feel like - I owe America my life after they made me who I am. Every time they ask me to do this, that - _this_... share a room with a Russian assassin who could probably kill me in the blink of an eye - I feel like I have to do it no matter what, or who, it costs me." Steve said, leaning back on his arms as he looked at her.

She caught his gaze and felt her cheeks flush with color. She hadn't known what to expect when she had asked him to tell her about who he was, but she hadn't expected a deep, intimate conversation that struck her to her core. "You didn't feel obligated to take the serum?" She asked because she sure as hell felt obligated to sign the contract.

He shook his head. "In a way, no, but I felt obligated to change. I knew I wasn't good enough as a skinny, asthmatic boy, and I was going to die in combat. I figured if I was going to die defending my country, I might as well be able to save some lives as an actual solider before kicking the bucket." He chuckled. "Before I took the serum, I used to be short and very sick... got' my ass kicked constantly."

"Yeah, I know. We learned all about you in the Red Room in case we were ever assigned to kill you." Natasha quipped.

If she hadn't been looking at him so closely, she wouldn't have noticed his eyes widen ever so slightly. "Thanks, Romanoff. That makes me feel great about this whole situation." He mused.

Her stomach twisted with nerves as she thought about what to say to him. He had opened up to her, and a part of her wanted him to know about her, who she was, and who had made her into a woman who was feared by so many. For one of the very first times, she didn't want someone to be afraid of her. She knew Steve would never accept who she was, but she wanted him to trust her as her partner. "Believe it or not, I wasn't supposed to be a Black Widow." She said quietly as she glanced down and traced the numbers on her wrist. "I was never the strongest, fastest or smartest. I was just the luckiest. I was an assassin for the KGB but I got smart, started adjusting my missions without the KGB realizing it, and started shooting the wrong people. The KGB thought all my missions were successful."

"You shot the right people." He pointed out. 

She shrugged. "Yeah, I guess that's true."

"How'd you get the tattoo if you weren't a Black Widow?" He asked curiously.

She was grateful that he wasn't judging her. She could perceive that he didn't want anything more from her, that he wasn't trying to use her words against her or turn her into someone she wasn't. He just wanted to know her as Natasha Romanoff, not the Black Widow. "I was 'promoted' to a Black Widow just before I killed my handler, Madame B.. Being a Black Widow gave me access to everything I needed to destroy the KGB. So technically, I am the sixth Black Widow that graduated the Red Room, but I'm also the eleventh assassin to graduate." She explained, pushing down the covers and lifting the hem of her shirt to show him the 011 tattoo on her hip. "These damn things don't come off. I've tried." She mused as Steve's eyes widened at the sight of the scars around the tattoo. "Not the entertaining story you were expecting, huh?" 

"I think your story is pretty fascinating. Much more interesting than mine." He shrugged.

She could've swore her heart skipped a beat. "I think you're interesting. No fears, no scars, but a lot to tell... a lot of life experience... nothing you can't do."

She would be lying if she said she wasn't envious of him.

"There are things that I can't do!" Steve exclaimed.

She rolled her eyes. "Okay, like what?"

He paused. "I can't get drunk." He said as if it was an affliction. 

"That doesn't count. It has to be something like... not being able to swim." She replied, wondering if he'd catch onto what she was saying.

Of course he did. "I can swim. Why? You can't?" He asked with his eyebrows raised, appearing genuinely surprised.

"Congratulations, Steve Rogers. You know my dirty, little secret." She mused.

God, she hoped he wouldn't use it against her.

"Seriously?" He murmured.

He sounded distant, and she wondered if he was thinking about her reaction to being water boarded. She had tried to act stoically still just as she had been trained to do, but her heart had been racing and she had been terrified. For a moment, she thought about telling him how scared she had been when Rumlow had evoked flashbacks she tried so hard to push down, but Natasha didn't think she could trust Steve that much. "Yeah. I never had to learn as a sniper or Black Widow and most of us don't know how to swim." She said. "They liked to... never mind." She shook her head. _They liked to drown us as a punishment._ "Anyway, everything is frozen in Russia. There is no where to swim even if we wanted to."

He was quiet for a while and then he spoke, surprising her. "One thing is that I don't know how to stop. If that makes sense? I always feel obligated to step in like I did today, even when it just makes thing worse, and I'm sorry."

She wasn't even sure what to say. She hadn't excepted an apology from him but now that she had one, she was left feeling guilty because he was just too damn _good_. "I suppose I can forgive you this time." Natasha smirked, using humor to mask her feelings. "I would apologize for being a bitch but that's just who I am."

They both laughed, and she rolled out of bed to grab her bag.

"I hope you don't feel like you owe America or S.H.I.E.L.D. anything. You are nothing like me, and you never should've been put in this position." He said as she dug through her bag.

"You never owed them your body or your soul, Steve." She replied quietly, glancing back at him. Their eyes locked, and her heart thrummed in her chest.

"Neither did you." He said firmly.

She turned around and noticed his shield resting against the wall beside her bag. From where he sat behind her, he could see that she was looking at it, and he wondered what she was thinking about. "It's not going to blow up. You can touch it." He teased.

She rolled her eyes, but she smiled as she reached out and ran her finger along his shield.

As he watched her, he wished that he could suddenly read minds.


	5. catching feelings

_**"got me running wild in fantasy like you won't believe. i caught a glimpse of what i failed to see and that's all i need. i don't wanna let more time slide. i'll trade in a thousand nights for just one with you."** _

_\- catching feelings; drax project_

* * *

  
God, he had needed this.

Steve Rogers had needed to lose himself in something - _someone_ \- until he could hardly remember his own name. He wanted, no _needed_ , to get the red-headed Russian out of his head and another women was a great distraction.

But two was always better than one.

Sharon was straddling his waist, sliding herself down onto his cock, as Lillian straddled his face, and he leaned up to stroke his tongue over her clit. He had one hand on Sharon's hip as she began to ride him and another hand on Lillian's thigh. Their moans went straight to his core, pleasure twisting up his spin as his cock pulsed deep inside Sharon. He listened to their moans, losing himself in the way their bodies moved over him, the sounds of their kissing as they made out while they rode him, in sync with one another. He could hardly remember how he'd gotten himself into the situation that most men could only fantasize about. He hadn't expected Sharon to convince him into letting Lillian join them in the bedroom, but he certainly didn't have any regrets. He remembered the saying 'you learn something new everyday' and he was learning all about women that very night.

He closed his eyes and lost himself in the pleasure that overwrought him in powerful surges as he sucked and licked Lillian's pussy until she was _right there_. He knew Sharon was close to her orgasm from the way her legs shook by his hips, and he tried to thrust up into her without moving Lillian as she came around his tongue and her cries filled his ear.

In a moment that struck him to his core, he envisioned Natasha Romanoff.

He wondered what she would sound like as he tipped her over the edge of her orgasm. Would she have that infamous smirk she got whenever she was planning something particularly risky as she rode his cock? Would she arch and tremble when he teased her, her toes curling into the sheets as she guided him right where she wanted him? Would she scream his name or would she ride out her orgasm in quiet gasps?

A part of him hoped she was a screamer. 

He was suddenly pulled back to reality as Sharon orgasmed around him and dragged him over the edge with her. His cum filled the condom in spurts, and he arched underneath them. "Fuck." He groaned, but it came out muffled as Lillian ground her wet pussy against his face. He tried to focus on the beautiful women with him, one even being his girlfriend, as they came down from the orgasms. His heart was pounding in his chest, even as Sharon and Lillian slid off him and laid on either side of him. He felt entirely guilty about envisioning Natasha - his partner with S.H.I.E.L.D., of all people - but he didn't dare speak up about it now. His mind was spinning and not from the sex as he excused himself and tugged on his boxers as he made his way into the bathroom.

He turned on the sink and splashed cold water on his face, willing himself to pull it together. He had never wanted to be unfaithful to Sharon, and it wasn't fair to Natasha if he thought about her in a way that wasn't utmost professional. However, a part of him knew that it wasn't just lust, that he didn't just want Natasha's body. There was something about her that drew him in, _everything_ about her that he couldn't get off his mind, and he found it ironic that he was praying to God after having a threesome, but he desperately needed guidance. 

However deep in his heart, he knew that all he wanted was Natasha.

_He would trade in a thousand nights for just one with her._

* * *

  
"Sharon, I'm sorry, but I don't know what you want me to say." Steve sighed, running his hands over his face.

He wasn't even sure what his girlfriend was upset about this time, but he was trying to understand so he could fix whatever he had done. Lillian had just left Sharon's apartment where the two women had promptly fallen asleep while Steve had stayed up all night questioning his relationship. Everything had seemed fine when Sharon awoke until she started giving him the cold shoulder as he had began making them breakfast.

"You just don't get it, Steve! Something was off about last night." Sharon shouted, startling him.

He never liked to fight with her, but lately it seemed that Sharon had to take her anger out on someone, and he was always around to be her punching bag. He had never minded in the beginning because he wanted to support her, but she was exhausting him, and he could only carry her burdens, on top of his, for so long. As he stood there listening to her yell at him, he wondered if their problems really were worth fixing, _if they could even be fixed._ He didn't want to lead Sharon on and since Natasha had come into his life, nothing had been the same. Even if he knew that he could never be with Natasha, it wasn't fair to Sharon if he was thinking about another woman. "Do you see a future together?" He blurted out. He turned off the stove and turned around to look at her as she glared fiercely at him from across the kitchen.

"Excuse me?" She said slowly, but she was fuming with anger.

"I just... things haven't been right between us and I don't know if we should stay together if our days don't get better when we see each other. Ya' know, it's - like - why should we be together if we aren't happy?" He spoke carefully, stumbling over this words and feeling as though he was walking on shards of glass. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt Sharon, but he wasn't sure if there was a way to let her down easy.

Sharon took a step towards him, and he took a step backwards until he hit the countertop. If his stomach wasn't twisting with nerves, he would've laughed at the irony that Captain America was backing down from a fight. "Do you see a future with me?" She hissed. "Did you sleep with that Russian slut?" She asked. "Because you've been different since you were paired as partners."

Steve frowned, shaking his head. Did she really not trust him? He had told her that they shared a hotel room because he didn't want any secrets between them, but she had said that she had been okay with it. "No, absolutely not. I just don't think we should stay together if all we do is fight." He said quietly. His heart ached, but he knew it was for the best because even if he didn't love Sharon anymore, he wanted her to be happy. 

"Are you seriously breaking up with me? After all we have been through?" She shouted.

He flinched as she threw a mug at him. He leapt aside as it arched towards him and shattered at his feet. "I'm sorry, Sharon." He said, avoiding the glass on the floor. He leaned down to begin cleaning it up because he knew Sharon never really meant to hurt him, but she stormed up to him before he could begin sweeping the glass aside.

"Get the fuck out!" She shouted.

"Yes ma'am." He said, leaving the glass on the floor, hurriedly gathering his things, and bustling out the door that Sharon slammed behind him.   
  


* * *

  
"Oh, shit!" 

Natasha could hear Maria shouting in the kitchen as her and Wanda Maximoff tried to cook dinner. She had returned from her training session with Nick Fury a few hours ago and finally had the chance to sit down on the couch and catch up on her new favorite show, The Office. She was trying to relax, but it was hard to hear the television over Maria and Wanda bustling about in the kitchen as they tried not to burn the building down with their cooking.

A few days after her first mission with Steve, Maria had introduced her to the Scarlett Witch, and the three of them had quickly become friends that Natasha had never really had. She enjoyed their company, and it was nice to be able to go out with the girls for a few drinks, come home tipsy, and fall asleep in her bed as she tried her hardest not to dream about the super-solider whom she was having a hard time hating. Steve Rogers made it impossible for her to hold any sort of grudge against him with his stunning, azure eyes that regarded her so genuinely and his kind, unforgettable words that made her heart thrum. She hadn't seen him since their debriefing of their mission nearly a week ago, but she found herself looking forward to when they were assigned the next one just so she could talk to him. She hated the feelings he gave her, but she hated the distance between them.

She huffed with a vexed sigh as she was so conflicted and threw herself down onto the couch, willing herself to get it together and think about anything but Steve-fucking-Rogers. Maria and Wanda had seemed to have figured out the oven as the kitchen grew quiet and just as Natasha was beginning to focus on The Office, her phone went off with a _ding_. She knew it wasn't Steve texting her, but a part of her hoped that he was. She disregarded the disappointment that twinged in her chest as she opened her phone and saw that Sharon Carter had messaged her. She had never talked to the woman before, mostly because she had been the one who had her arrested, but she wondered if the text had something to do with S.H.I.E.L.D..

✉️ _SC: I can't believe you have the guts to come into this country, who could've given you the death penalty, and screw around with men who don't belong to you. You could at least have the decency to keep your legs closed._

"What the hell?" Natasha said aloud, wondering what in the world the woman was talking about.

"What?" Wanda asked, peeking her head out from around the doorframe.

Natasha shook her head, waving her away. "Nothing." She said quietly, typing a quick response.

✉️ _NR: I have no idea what you're talking about but ok 🤷‍♀️_

As she set down her phone, she realized it might not have been the best thing to say, but she was too tired to really care why Sharon Carter was so angry with her. She hadn't slept with anyone in almost a year and even if she had hooked up with someone in America, it wasn't any of Sharon's business.

She had Steve, after all.

If he was Natasha's man, she would definitely be occupied with other things that involved him and no one else.

She tucked her hand under her head as she watched the television but suddenly, the fire alarm began to go off, and she nearly jumped out of her skin. She leapt to her feet and ran into the kitchen that was already clouded with smoke. Maria and Wanda were swatting at the alarms with kitchen towels, and Natasha shoved on an oven mitt to pull out the lasagna that was burned to a crisp. She coughed and waved the smoke away that clouded in her face. The fire alarm finally shut off, but her ears were ringing, and the expressions on Wanda and Maria's face was almost comical.

"Doesn't it smell delicious?" Wanda joked, making them all laugh.

"Maybe we should just order pizza." Maria then quipped.

Natasha and Wanda quickly agreed.


	6. never seen stars this bright

**_“caught up in a dream that i just thought was passing through, colored in with vivid memories of me and you. on a moonlit night, i've never seen stars this bright."_ **

_\- catching feelings; drax project_   
  


* * *

_  
"You are unbreakable, Natalia."_

_Madame B. stood so close to her, Natalia could feel her cold breath on the back of her neck. "You have no place in this world but here, apart of the KGB." She told her imploring._

_Natalia's hand shook as she clutched the handgun, her eyes flicking back and forth to the man in front of her and Madame B. standing beside her. The man had a sack over his head, but she could hear his cries as two Red Room guards held him down on his knees. "Shoot him. He hurt you." Madame B. repeated. "Remember who you are."_

_"I'm Natalia Alianovna Romanova. Number 011. Owned by the KGB." She said instinctively, the words engraved in her brain just like her handlers had wanted._

_Her heart was pounding, her stomach was twisting with fear, and her was heart breaking apart in fragments because Madame B. was right._

_He had hurt her._

_He had betrayed her trust and raped her in that dingy motel room. He had made her feel helpless, weak, and used. He was supposed to be her partner, another Red Room assassin who was supposed to guide her on her very first mission. She was only fifteen years old and had once admired him for all the kills under his belt. Now, he was supposed to be her first kill, one of many she would add to her own belt._

_"Do it now." Madame B. demanded. "Or we shoot you. A life for a life."_

_Natalia knew that she had to do anything to survive._

_She looked away from the man as she aimed the gun at him and squeezed the trigger. The gunshot rang out loudly, piercing the air and making her ears ring. The single bullet struck the man between the eyes, and he collapsed as blood began to seep through the sack and pool at Natalia's feet._

Natasha awoke from the flashback with a startled gasp, sitting up so quickly that her head began to swim.

"Блядь." _[Fuck.]_ She sighed, rubbing her eyes before she slowly got out of bed. Her legs felt weak, her knees shook ever so slightly, and her training suit stuck to her sweaty skin. She hadn't planned to fall asleep in the middle of the afternoon after a grueling training session with Wanda but as soon as her head had hit the pillow, she was _out_. Her holster was still attached to her hip, but she didn't feel like taking it off quite yet. She was still on edge, the vivid flashback shattering her resolve. It whispered to the demons in the depths of her mind to come forth and drag her back down with them.

She wouldn't let them.

Not this time.

She tried to clear her mind just as she'd always done after flashbacks that haunted her even as she slept, but it was never that easy. 

She slowly wandered down the hallway with her feet dragging, and she couldn't even envisage what her hair looked like since she had forgotten to unbraid it. As she turned the corner to the kitchen, she saw a flash of movement by the refrigerator and her instincts kicked in. She drew out her gun, aimed upward just as she had been trained to do, and squeezed the trigger.

"Oh! Ow! Fuck!" A man began to shout.

Holding her gun out in front of her, she turned the corner, and her eyes narrowed as she glowered at the shirtless man in _her_ kitchen who had been drinking _her_ vodka. "Who the hell are you?" She growled.

"What the fuck!" The man shouted again, holding his arm where her bullet had struck him. The glass vodka bottle had shattered on the ground, and his blood splattered the refrigerator behind him.

Natasha hooked her finger around the trigger but before she could fire a round at the man, Maria began to yell. "Natasha! Oh my God! Don't kill him!" She said, running into the kitchen with bed sheets wrapped around herself.

Natasha quickly realized what was going on.

"You should've told me you had someone over..." She mumbled, tucking her gun back into her holster as her cheeks flushed with color. Embarrassment surged through her, and she suddenly wished that she could sink into the floor.

"Sam, are you okay?" Maria asked, rushing up to the man as she grabbed a handful of towels and pressed them to the wound. He wasn't bleeding profusely, and Natasha hoped the bullet had only grazed him.

He nodded slowly, holding the towels to his arm as he quirked his eyebrows at Natasha. "Nice to meet you." He chuckled sarcastically.

"I would be pissed that you were drinking my alcohol but since I shot you, I'll let it slide." She replied shortly, stepping behind them to start cleaning up the shards of glass.

"You need stitches, but I don't have a medical kit. Let me call Steve." Maria sighed after examining the wound. She stepped around Natasha and out of the kitchen.

"Put some clothes on!" She shouted as Maria made her way back to her bedroom. She heard her laugh, but she hardly registered it because a part of her hoped that she'd be seeing Steve. It had been weeks since they had last talked, and although they were supposed to train together, she had been informed that Steve had requested time off. She wondered what happened but as much as she would've liked to find out why, she respected him too much to do that.

He had always respected her.

Sam stood to the side awkwardly, and she could feel his eyes on her. "I'm Natasha." She said tersely, breaking the tense silence between them. She felt uneasy under his gaze, even though she knew he was only trying to figure her out.

"Yeah, I know. I've heard a lot about you from Steve... I'm Sam Wilson." He replied.

She hummed in acknowledgment, glancing up at him in his boxers. At least he wasn't naked like Maria had been. "Are you a friend of Captain America's?" She asked.

He nodded. "You could say I'm his right-winged man." He replied.

"Are you Maria's flavor of the week as well?" She then asked. Her friend had never mentioned Sam Wilson before, although, she'd heard of and met a few of Maria's hookups as they were sneaking out of the apartment at three in the morning. She assumed it was the first time Sam had been over to their place and most likely the last since she'd shot him. He probably thought she was Maria's crazy roommate although, maybe she was.

She was - for sure - the paranoid roommate.

"I... I don't know." He chuckled, evidently not expecting her to ask such a blunt question. "We'll see how long she keeps me around."

Just then, Maria returned to the kitchen, and Natasha was relieved to see she had put on a tee-shirt, as well as leggings, and had even brought sweatpants for Sam. "Steve will be here in a few with a medical kit so we don't have to go to the hospital." She said, guiding Sam over to the couch and grabbing a few more towels for his arm.

"I can honestly say this is a first for me." Sam mused from the couch.

Maria laughed and made her way back into the kitchen to help Natasha clean up. She glanced up at her friend and smirked as she noticed the hickeys below her jaw. "You mi-" She began to say, but Maria cut her off.

"I know... I thought you were supposed to be training this afternoon." Maria quipped.

She laughed. "It's six o'clock!"

At least she hadn't been home to hear Maria and Sam have their fun through the paper thin walls.

"Time flies when you're having fun!" Sam said from the couch, making Maria blush as she glanced at her watch.

Natasha watched her reaction, perceiving how different Maria was around Sam. She couldn't remember ever seeing her friend blush or look so... _happy_. She was practically glowing, and Natasha felt entirely guilty about ruining their evening. She was quiet as she scrubbed the floors and tried to think about when she could get the hell out of there.

They finished cleaning up the glass and wiping up the blood just as there was a knock at the door. Maria got off the floor to answer it as Natasha finished sweeping. As soon as Steve stepped into the doorway, he began to double over with laughter as he looked at Sam on the couch. Natasha glanced at him from where she was in the kitchen, a smile tugging at the corner of her lips just from hearing him laugh. He looked good - _stunning_ \- his leather jacket and blue jeans fitting him just right and his wind-swept hair that Natasha longed to run her fingers through. It was the way her heart thrummed when he noticed her that made her stomach twist with nerves. His laughter died down, his eyes staring at her intently, and she glanced away from him, feeling uncomfortable under his gaze. She knew she looked awful with her messy hair, dirty training suit, and her face free of makeup.

She didn't need him to reminder her.

"It's not funny dude." Sam snapped, breaking the tension between them.

Steve shook his head, walking over to his friend and setting the medical kit beside him on the couch. "It is. I feel bad Natasha wasted a bullet on you though." He joked.

"And our vodka." She mumbled almost to herself, glancing at the broken bottle in the trashcan. It was her last one from _home_ , a place she had never thought she'd miss but as the days wore on, her resolve had worn thin.

Maria shrugged, sitting down beside Sam as she began to dig through the medical kit to stitch his arm. "Call Yelena. I'm sure she'll ship us another one." She said casually as if Natasha wasn't breaching her contract with the United States government by contacting her sister.

"Maria!" Natasha hissed, glancing at Steve and Sam on the couch. She didn't know what would happen if any of the government officials found out that she was breaking her contract, but she knew it wouldn't be good, and her people might not get the help they so desperately needed. She wouldn't be able to live with herself if she was the reason why Moscow was never able to rebuild.

"You know, I would never say anything to anyone." Steve said quickly, reassuring her that she could trust him.

She trusted him... she didn't doubt anything he had told her. However, she'd just met Sam Wilson and even if Steve and Maria trusted him, she didn't think that she could herself. "Yeah but..." She said quietly, glancing into Steve's eyes and then looking at Sam who was entirely oblivious to what she was saying.

"I'll kick his ass if he does." Steve said firmly, knowing exactly what she was talking about without her having to say it aloud. Their partnership was still new and complicated, but she liked that they understood each other without having to say as much. Sometimes all she had to do was give him one look, and he knew what she was getting at.

She smiled at him, a silent thank you that he took warmly.

"Why don't you two go get us dinner?" Maria suggested.

 _'Hell no,'_ Natasha thought to herself. She didn't think that she could stand being alone with Steve, even if it was just for a few minutes. He was looking at her differently, like he was seeing her for the very first time, and she didn't know what had changed between them, only that something was there that hadn't been there before. "I can go. Just let me clean up." She mumbled, putting the cleaning supplies away and then washing her hands. As she made her way back down the hallway, she began to untangle her hair and try to comb her fingers through the thick curls.

"I'll go with you." Steve called after her, and she sighed quietly.

"Okay... just wait a few minutes." She replied before she shut her bedroom door. Swiftly stripping of her uniform, she shoved on a pair of leggings and a sweater before taking a comb to her hair and hoping it would suffice. When she returned to the kitchen, Sam was up on his feet as if she hadn't just shot him, his arms around Maria's waist as they conversed with Steve. He smiled at her as she stepped into the doorframe, and she hooked her bag over her shoulder. "What do you guys want?" She asked.

"Steve's got our order." Maria replied.

Natasha looked away from them as she leaned back into Sam and headed to the door with Steve following behind her. They made their way down to the lower level of the apartment building but as she went to pull out her keys to the rental car Fury gave her, he stopped her. "Do you want to walk? The diner is just up the road." He told her.

It sounded as if he'd rather walk so she willingly agreed. They fell into comfortable silence, and she tried not to let her mind wander as they walked down the street to Maria's favorite diner.

"Why did you shoot him?" Steve asked, startling Natasha.

"What?"

He shrugged. "You' thought someone was breaking in? But it's really not like a Black Widow to be afraid of an intruder..." He said.

She scrambled for any sort of excuse, her mind in a whirl as she tried to come up with something to say. It was as if he could read her like an open book, that he already knew her too well, and her years of training on how to conceal her emotions had flown out the window. "I had just woken up." She said flatly, hoping he would let it go. However, he was Steve Rogers and of course, he wouldn't. He may have had her figured out, but she knew more about him than he'd ever know about her.

"Woken up from a nightmare?" He asked as they reached the door to the diner. He opened the door for her and as she walked past him, she purposely stepped on his foot as she gave him a pointed look.

He was quiet as she stepped forward to place their order but being the gentleman he was, he paid for their food, and they stepped into a corner, out of the way of the bustling waitresses and their customers.

"I'm sorry for pushing." He mumbled as he nudged his arm into her side. "We all have nightmares."

She rolled her bottom lip between her teeth, biting back a smile as he apologized to her. It was a relief that he cared - that he'd acknowledged her past and could relate to the nightmares that plagued those with histories like their own. It was a feeling that warmed her from the inside out, and it had nothing to do with his body heat she could feel from how close they were standing to one another. "It's fine. It's kinda' what we do... so why haven't you been coming to train?" She asked, glancing over her shoulder to look at him. She could smell his cologne that would have any girl swooning, the soft arches of his face and eyes that told her more than his lips ever would. She hoped that he would be honest with her although, she wasn't sure if he could lie, even if he wanted to. He couldn't to her, at least.

_He was a terrible liar._

"Did you miss me?" He teased.

"Absolutely not." She laughed, scrunching her nose. "I'm just sick of getting my ass handed to me by Wanda."

Even a Black Widow couldn't take down the Scarlet Witch with her potent powers.

"If you really want to know, Sharon and I broke up. She asked that I take some time off work." He said. Natasha glanced back with a frown, and he knew what she was going to ask. "I have no clue why she wanted me to take time off. I did it so I wouldn't get yelled at." He chuckled.

"Oh, I'm sorry." Natasha said. She was surprised as he and Sharon had seemed to be entirely in love with one another before she and Steve left for their mission. A part of her wondered what had gone wrong, and a part of her was relieved that she could check out Captain America without feeling guilty. Love was for children; he never could be hers but that didn't mean a woman couldn't admire a 'specimen' like Steve Rogers.

"Don't be. It's a relief." He told her, but their takeout was ready before she could think of something to say.

They each grabbed a bag and began the walk back to her and Maria's apartment. The sun was beginning to set, painting the sky in a stunning array of colors. People were still out and about in Washington D.C. as it seemed the world never really stopped turning there. Children were laughing, adults clanking their beers with a cheer, and teenagers hanging around trying to act years older than they actually were. "I'm still not used to all this." She mumbled almost to herself, but Steve heard her loud and clear as he looked at her. "In Moscow if we wasn't on a mission, we were training in the Red Room. Women weren't allowed out in the city after a certain time, and it wasn't worth the risk because it came with consequences of public torture and execution that no one wanted to endure." She explained solemnly. "More often than not, I fell asleep listening to them screaming." She didn't know what made her open up to him, but he listened intently and he knew when to push for more out of her.

This wasn't one of those times, however.

"You fit in like you're one of us, but I guess that's what you've been trained to do." He replied after a few moments.

"My accent is getting better." She laughed. She would never really be the carefree American that she was envious of but sometimes, in moments like these, she didn't want to be one of them because she wouldn't have met Steve.

"Yeah but don't change too much." He teased, gently nudging her in the side again, careful not to jostle the food he was carrying. "We fought. A lot." He then said. "Sharon and I. It was just so hard to deal with when I didn't know what she was mad about half the time."

She glanced up at him, knowing he deserved better than that. "Well if we're going to keep our partnership from crumbing, I promise to try and not pick fights as much as I have been." She said, meaning every word.

"It's not you that's always picking fights. Pinky promise we will try not to argue as much as before?" He smiled at her. It was the kind of smile that stole the breath from her lungs, a carefree, boyish smile that yanked her heart right out of her chest.

_Oh, she was so fucked._

"Okay." She laughed, entwining her finger with his in a silent promise. 

_Both Steve and Natasha planned to keep their word, and though the moon and the stars were just beginning to shine in the sky, he swore he’d never seen them so bright._


	7. that arizona sky

_**"that arizona sky burnin' in your eyes. you look at me and babe, i wanna catch on fire. it's buried in my soul like california gold. you found the light in me that i couldn't find."** _

_\- always remember us this way; lady gaga_

* * *

  
"Oh my God, Steve."

Natasha laughed as he nearly spilled their drinks in his lap as he tried to shift the car into drive with one hand and hold the steaming, hot mugs in the other. She quickly took hers from him as he pulled away from the drive-through window and settled back into his seat.

She brought the mug to her lips, and he looked at her as he took a drink of his own. "Do you like it?" He asked as she took a sip. 

She tried not to make a face so she wouldn't hurt Steve's feelings. However, the espresso shot was stronger than anything she'd ever had. It sunk into her stomach like a shot of vodka, only it was seven in the morning, and no one wanted vodka that early.

Not even her.

"Erm..." She mumbled, drawing the mug away from her lips as she furrowed her eyebrows.

"Here." He laughed, handing her his mug as he took hers. "You'll like that." He told her.

She took a sip of his steaming coffee and sighed as the sweet, delicious cream touched her tongue. "Yeah, this is good." She hummed.

They were on their second mission as partners and had found themselves with extra time on their hands as Fury hadn't given them the clearance to carry out the strike on the terror organization operating in Arizona. In their free time, Steve was determined to show her the 'American culture' as he had called it. She didn't mind; it was fun, and she was coming to enjoy spending time with him since they had promised not to argue as much as they used to. So far, both of them had kept their word, and Natasha found it easier than she thought it would be. He was very likable when she wasn't trying to find reasons to hate him.

"Maybe we could hand out free drinks to the terrorists and talk them into putting the handcuffs on." He joked as he pulled out onto the road and continued to the highway. They had a long drive ahead, but he didn't think that it would be so bad with Natasha by his side and the radio playing softly in the background. Not to mention, Arizona was beautiful with mountains and sandy plains stretching as far as the eye could see.

He wasn't complaining one bit.

"I may have some drugs in my bag we could slip into their drinks." She smirked in response to his quip.

He rolled his eyes with a chuckle.

It was hard to look left when she was on his right, her knees tucked underneath her as she leaned towards him. He tried to keep his eyes off her as she thumbed through files and occasionally pulled out her phone to text a response back to someone, but it was hard not to look at her and admire the soft arches of her face and red hair that seemed to glisten in the sunlight. As the time wore on, he could tell she wasn't reading the pages anymore and her mind was starting to wander. "You should take a nap. I know you didn't sleep last night." He said, breaking the silence between them. He was glad it wasn't awkward anymore.

"Why? Were you watching me last night?" She teased, putting away the files for their mission before she tilted her head back and looked at him.

He shrugged. He wasn't sure if it was a good idea to bring up what he was about to, but he figured it was worth trying. "I heard you leave in the middle of the night." He said. He hadn't been asleep like she had thought. He knew one of the reasons why they were partners was because S.H.I.E.L.D. thought he was one of the only ones who could stop her if she tried to flee. However, S.H.I.E.L.D didn't know he would let her go, that he wouldn't keep her from leaving because he knew she'd return just like she had that morning. She wasn't selfish; she knew she had to stay to help her people in Moscow and like every hero in the book, she would make sacrifices to save them.

"Why didn't you stop me?" She asked.

For one of the first times, he had caught her off guard. Her voice was steady, but he noticed the way she shifted in her seat and looked away from him. "I figured you had to be seeing someone important." He explained. It hurt that she _still_ didn't trust him to not double-cross her and inform the government that she was breaking her contract. However, he tried not to take it to heart. He knew she'd been betrayed just as much as he had, and her trust wasn't easily earned but that didn't mean he wasn't going to try.

"Well, I guess I owe you for saving my life by not turning me in." She mused.

"There's a chance you might be in the wrong business if you think your partner would rat you out." He said, smiling as she relaxed into her seat again.

For a long moment, she was quiet. Then she spoke, and her question struck Steve to his core. "If it was the other way around, and it was down to me to save your life and you be honest with me, would you trust me to do it?"

_Did he trust her?_

He hadn't known her for very long, but he knew one thing about her... she wasn't who he had thought she was and in his eyes, she was the hero of her story. "I would." He said firmly. She was his partner and even if they hadn't gotten along in the past, he knew she'd never leave him behind or let him fight alone in a battle he was losing.

It just wasn't who she was.

He heard her sharp inhale, the surprise that flashed across her face before she swiftly concealed it. He wondered how she saw herself; if she thought her ledger was red with blood or if she knew how good of a person she was. He didn't think it was the latter from the way she looked at him, seemingly so shocked that he trusted her with his life.

"If you want to know, I saw my sister. I don't know how she was able to get here, but I had to see her." She told him, but he wasn't surprised. He figured it had to be someone she wasn't supposed to be seeing.

"I understand but that's risky. Next time I'll help you out and make sure you don't get caught." He replied. He meant it too. He would never keep her from those she loved after her life had been ripped out of her hands and her freedom was dangling in front of her nose. If he could help her see her family, he would. He knew Maria and Wanda would as well if they weren't already; he had a funny feeling they were the ones who had helped Yelena into America to see her sister.

"Captain America wants to help me break the rules?" She said teasingly, smiling a smile that stole the breath from his lungs.

_She was entirely breathtaking._

"Sometimes they are made to be broken." He said, taking the chance to glance at her, only to find that she was already looking at him.   
  


* * *

  
Steve Rogers sat in the jeep down in the valley, the tracking screen pulled up on his phone as he monitored Natasha. He was helping her navigate the underground tunnels that led into the building where the terrorists were operating, and he found himself on edge with how many land mines and traps there were. He trusted Natasha, but it was a different story to trust himself and the technology to keep her safe. He would never be able to live with himself if she got hurt... or worse. She had so much to live for, and her life was in the palm of his hands.

He couldn't fail her now.

"Go right." He told her as she reached a division in the tunnel. A blinking, red light on the tracking screen in the left juncture told him there was a land mine just a few yards ahead of her, making his stomach twist with nerves. If one of the mines detonated... well, he couldn't even think about that.

He heard her grumble through their earpieces, perceiving the sound of her sloshing through water. "It's wet!" She whined.

"Water or a land mine, Nat..." He mumbled, watching her signal turn down the right tunnel as he had directed. 

She was quiet for a moment, and he wondered what she was thinking about. She was almost to the base of the building, and he hoped he wouldn't lose her signal. It appeared that was the last of the mines, but who knew what else could be lurking in and around the building.

"Yelena calls me that." She said after a long pause. She was quieter now as she entered the building, her voice hardly a whisper that he even strained to hear.

"Do you hate it?" He asked. All she had to do was turn off their security systems and wait for him to join her inside where they would apprehend the terrorists together. It was supposed to be easy, something she could do in her sleep, but their missions were always dangerous, even more so with them being split up.

"No... I'll talk to you later, soldier. Keep an eye on me." She said.

"Always." He replied, setting the phone down when he lost her signal and tilting his head back. She had him wrapped around her finger, his heart in his throat as he thought about how truly and utterly _fucked_ he was. She was his partner; they couldn't be anything more but nothing less. He couldn't envision her in bed while having sex with other women nor could he envision walking her home after a date. He couldn't envision kissing her lips and holding her close; falling asleep with her and untangling himself from her in the morning to make her breakfast. _He couldn't._ The lines couldn't be blurred between them, and he knew that she didn't want him either. Why would she? She was stunning and exceptionally kind, never his to love or even think about.

He sighed, feeling impatient as he waited for her signal to pop back up on his screen. When it finally did, his earpiece crackled and her voice came though. "Okay, let's go." She said, letting him know it was time for the second phase of their plan. He got out of the car, hooked his shield onto the clasps of his uniform, and followed the same route Natasha had taken. As he emerged from the tunnel into the base of the dark building, he ran into something - _someone_ \- and lunged forward to take out whoever he had collided with.

"Don't hit me, Rogers!" Natasha whispered harshly, grasping onto his hands as he raised them.

He quickly relaxed. "Sorry." He chuckled softly, lowering his hands as she let them go. "Do you know where they are?" He asked, referring to the terrorists. They knew there were seven of them, but there could always be more lurking in the shadows that S.H.I.E.L.D. hadn't known about. 

"I already got three." She smirked at him.

_Oh God._

She was entirely captivating.

He followed her through the building in silence, willing himself to focus on anything but how beautiful she looked. They passed three unconscious men she had handcuffed and drugged, and she seemed to know where she was going as she took the lead. They walked down a long hallway and when they heard voices, they flattened themselves against the wall. Their eyes met for a moment, and he grasped her wrist that wasn't clutching her handgun. He tapped her three times: _1...2...3..._ and then they surged forward together to take down the four men who had yet to notice them in the dark. They hadn't had the chance to train together since Steve had been forced to take time off work but just like the very first time in Moscow, they fell into stride together. She ducked as he landed a hit, he stepped aside as she brought them down, and at the end of it all, they were the only two left standing like it was always supposed to be.

He handcuffed them while she drugged them just enough to keep them unconscious until backup arrived to take the men to prison where they would spend the rest of their lives.

"That wasn't so bad." He mused as he took a step back to catch his breath. Beside him, she was just beginning to catch hers.

"I should check to see if there are any others." She said. 

"Be safe, please." He sighed. He knew if anybody should search the building for rouges, it should be her. He wasn't a spy; he was too loud, and they would hear him coming from a mile away.

In the dim lighting, he saw her roll her eyes. "Are you... of all people... telling me to be safe?" She asked.

"Yes, Natasha Romanoff." He teased.

"Whatever, Steven Grant Rogers." She quipped, waving him off as she walked away. He watched her go before he turned to look at the men lying at his feet, shaking his head to himself.

It was almost ten minutes later when their backup arrived to apprehend the men, and they were just beginning to wake up, mumbling blearily as they began to realize what had happened. He headed outside as S.H.I.E.L.D. agents loaded the seven men into the van, and he was already sweating under the sweltering, Arizona sun. However, he knew if he returned to the jeep, he might lose contact with Natasha who was still inside the building, and he didn't want to risk that.

"There is another team on their way to start the investigation. Are you coming with us, Captain?" An agent asked after they finished loading.

He shook his head. "My partner is still finishing up. We'll meet you back at base." He replied.

"See you in a few." The woman said, tipping her hat at him before she got into the van and drove off.

He waited outside the building and drank the rest of his water, resisting the urge to tell Natasha to hurry up. He'd surely spark an argument if he did and that was the last thing he wanted to do after a successful mission.

Suddenly, there was a loud _click_ , and he felt a shift in the air. He smelled smoke and fuel, adrenaline beginning to course through his veins as his senses heightened. He didn't know what was wrong, but he could feel a deep seated fear in his bones.

_BOOM!_

He was thrown several yards from the building as a bomb detonated under his feet. It took him several seconds to realize what had happened but just as he began to gathering his bearings, another one went off close by. He lay on his back, struggling to breath as blood he didn't realize was his own soaked into the ground. He stared up at the Arizona sky, hoping - _praying_ \- Natasha would make it out alive, even if he didn't.


	8. i’ll be your soldier

_**“i know you don't believe it, but i said it and i still mean it. when you heard what i told you, when you get worried i'll be your soldier."** _

_\- soldier; gavin degraw_

* * *

_  
'What a way to go,'_ Steve thought to himself.

He could feel the life seeping out from his body, blood pooling underneath him as he bled out from a puncture wound in his chest. His entire body was shaking, and his ears were ringing; he couldn't hear a damn thing, but he couldn't feel anything either. Everything was on fire around him, debris and ash falling around him as he lay on his back, unable to turn over and shield himself from the burning debris. He'd never felt so helpless in his life, his vision darkening around the edges as fire licked at his feet and legs.

At least he wouldn't feel himself being burned alive, he thought to himself bitterly.

As if she was an angel that heaven had sent him, Natasha was suddenly by his side. With strength he didn't know she had, she dragged him away from the fire and used his shield to protect them. He didn't know how she had found him or gotten through the fire, and he couldn't hear anything she was saying to him, but it didn't matter because _she was there_. If her face was the last thing he saw before he died, he could go peacefully. As another bomb was launched towards them, she threw his shield, keeping the device from exploding near them. She caught the shield easily as it ricocheted back to her and positioned herself over Steve protectively as she tore off the top half of her uniform, leaving herself in a sports bra, to bandage his wound as best as she could.

"Na-" He groaned, his chest heaving as he tried to breathe through the blood in his lungs.

She hushed him soothingly, cradling his head in her lap as she pushed his sweaty hair out of his face. "Stay with me, okay? Keep your eyes open, милая." _[Sweetheart.]_ She told him.

He blinked up at her blearily. He could see her lips moving, but he couldn't hear what she was saying. He flexed his fingers, his hand trembling as he reached for hers. She took it quickly as she gazed down at him, her eyes wide with fear and adrenaline. He squeezed her hand with the strength he had left and mustered the vigor to speak. "Get ou-out of here. You're g-going to get hu-hurt." He gasped, his eyes fluttering and his lips trembling as he could feel the darkness slowly engulfing him. The fire was growing bigger and roaring louder; her chance to escape the flames was narrowing with every passing second.

"I won't leave you." She shook her head, adjusting his shield over him and shifting his head in her lap.

He wanted to tell her to go before she got hurt, even if it meant leaving him behind. However, he couldn't speak through his gasps, and he squeezed her hand again, hoping she'd understand what he was trying to say.

She did, but she merely shook her head and leaned down to kiss his forehead.

He couldn't stop his eyes from fluttering closed, the darkness consuming him in waves.

* * *

  
When Steve awoke, it was under decidedly better circumstances.

The pain in his chest was still staggering, but fire wasn't licking at his legs, and he _wasn't_ paralyzed. Before he even opened his eyes, he knew he was in a hospital from the smell of aseptic and the steady beeping of a heart monitor. He was wrapped in bandages and warm blankets, soft music playing from somewhere in the room. It took a few moments for his mind to catch up with everything and for him to remember what had happened but when he finally did, his eyes snapped open and he tried to sit up.

 _Natasha_.

He had to make sure she was okay.

_She had saved him._

She hadn't left him to burn in the fire, protecting him more than his shield ever had. She had to be okay because he wouldn't know what he would do if she wasn't.

"Relax, Steve."

He recognized her voice immediately as she carefully pushed him back onto the bed. In his panic, he hadn't even noticed her sitting in the chair on his bedside, and his eyes locked with her emerald green orbs as he sighed with relief. His chest burned with the sharp exhale, but it didn't matter because she was okay, and she wasn't lying in a hospital bed like he was. He reached out for her hand, and she fit her fingers between his own without hesitation. "You jinxed it." He mumbled, his voice dry and his throat parched. 

"What?" She asked, lifting a cup of water to his lips. He gingerly took a few sips, and she set it back down on the bedside table. As she leaned over him, he noticed the burn on her cheek and her hands. He knew there were more; she had ran through the flames to get to him, and his heart twisted painfully as he thought about what she had gone through to save him. He longed to draw her close to him, to tug her onto the bed and hold her as he whispered how grateful he was for her. In that moment, however, he had to settle for holding her hand, but it was more than enough to keep him grounded to reality.

"You asked if I trusted you to save me." He slurred, his mind still working through the haze of the drugs to string together his words. He wondered how much they had drugged him and how injured he had really been. He couldn't remember ever feeling so sluggish and uncomfortable. The super-serum could heal him in hours, but he was still human, and it was a stark reminder that he wasn't as untouchable as he thought he was. 

"Oh, I didn't even think about that. Next time I'll say that I won't save you." She teased, scooting her chair closer to the bed.

He smiled. "But I know you will." He said, suddenly feeling overwhelmingly tired as his eyes quickly grew heavy.

"I'll be your solider... now get some rest." She told him, and he swiftly fell back asleep as he clutched onto her hand like a lifeline.

"Damn, he didn't even notice me." Bucky laughed.

She reluctantly looked away from Steve to smile at his friend seated on the other side of the bed. They had been sitting together for over an hour waiting for Steve to wake up from surgery. She had just met his childhood best friend, Bucky Barnes, who had a metal arm she found entirely fascinating, and it was awkward in the beginning. To him, she was just a random woman refusing to leave his friend's side - but they had began to converse, and Bucky realized exactly who she was, and Steve had even mentioned her to him. "I'm sure he'll wake up again soon." She assured Bucky, rubbing the back of Steve's hand with her thumb as she reached out to brush his blonde hair off of his forehead.

"And then he'll look at you and forget all about me." Bucky mused.

"That's not true." She laughed.

Bucky's response was the mere roll of his eyes and a chuckle as he leaned back in his chair comfortably, silence settling between them.

Natasha tried not to think about how vulnerable Steve looked lying in the hospital bed, her mind still reeling from everything that had transpired in the last twelve hours.

Their mission had gone haywire all in the blink of an eye.

The S.H.I.E.L.D. agents who had been on their way to the terrorists' base for the investigation had driven off the marked road and unintentionally activated an integral of underground bombs surrounding the building. Although, she had disabled the security systems, the only smart thing the terrorists had done was devise a fail-safe structure of explosives separate from the base's technological complex. She had felt the floor shake underneath her just as she was finishing her search for rogues, and she'd broken through a window when she saw Steve thrown by the blast. Burning debris surrounded him, but she hadn't felt anything as she had ran through the fire to get to him. The panic that had overwrought her when she saw him bleeding from his chest had been terrifying, and she couldn't remember ever feeling so scared. She had cradled his head in her lap, protecting him with his shield and her body as best as she could while holding pressure to his chest and pleading for their backup to hurry.

She knew that she had feelings for Steve Rogers, but she hadn't known they were so strong she was willing to give her own life to save his. He said that he trusted her to save him, and she would again and again no matter the cost. She was covered in second-degree burns, and her ankle was sprained from jumping from the window, but it paled in comparison to Steve's injuries. She was grateful, however, that the super-serum was already starting to heal him, and he was looking better by the hour.

"I need to run back to my place for some overnight stuff." She said with a sigh, breaking the silence between her and Bucky. She didn't want to leave Steve's side, but she knew that she wasn't thinking rationally and if she wanted to stay longer, she had to get her things from home. A doctor had checked her wounds and prescribed painkillers, but she desperately needed a shower.

Bucky hummed in acknowledgment. "I'll make sure he doesn't try to escape." He joked. "I think Sam is on his way too."

She nodded, letting go of Steve's hand and getting up from the chair. She stared at him for a moment, longing to kiss his forehead _just because_ , but she decided not to in front of Bucky and limped out of the room before she changed her mind about leaving. As she walked down the hallway to the elevator, she pulled out her phone to update Maria on Steve and let her know that she was stopping by the apartment. Suddenly, someone bumped into her and sent her phone skidding across the floor. "Seriously?" She muttered when she looked up and saw Sharon Carter, of all people. She was tired and sore; she didn't want to deal with the woman who already hated her.

"You need to leave." Sharon stated flatly, blocking the hallway.

Natasha weighed her options.

She could shove through Sharon and ignore her, or knock her out cold like she had always wanted to do. As much as she would've liked to give the woman a particularly nasty uppercut, she knew that if she did, she wouldn't be allowed to return to the hospital to see Steve.

"I am leaving." She grumbled, picking up her phone and pushing past Sharon to continue down the hallway.

It was what Sharon said next that made her turn around.

"And don't return."

Natasha frowned. "Excuse me?" She laughed in disbelief. "You have no right to tell me that I can't visit Steve. Aren't you his ex-girlfriend, anyway?" She snapped.

"Do you remember who controls you? Your supervisors, and I am one of them. I am telling you that you're not allowed to return to the hospital because you're the reason Steve got hurt." Sharon said, pulling her shoulders back as if she could intimidate Natasha.

"Alright, Carter. Listen closely, and don't pretend like you give a fuck about Steve. Your team was the one who got him hurt after they drove off the fucking road. _Your_ team under _your_ orders. I care about that man more than you ever have, and there's a reason he broke up with you. I saved his life, and I'd do it again, so tell me, what have you done for him other than make his life a living hell?" She hissed, glaring at Sharon as her eyes flashed with anger.

"Don't pretend like you belong at his side. We all know who you really are." Sharon snapped. "I'll make sure you won't even be allowed in this building and if we find you in his room, we'll send your ass right to jail and take away the resources we've given Moscow."

Natasha turned and continued down the hallway, flipping Sharon off as she walked away. She could hardly wrap her head around what she had said, but a part of her knew she had to stay away from Steve until he was released from the hospital. It made her heart ache as she thought about not being by his side as he recovered, but Moscow needed America's resources, and she had to do everything she was told so they wouldn't be taken away. 

In her heart, she knew Steve would understand.

As she left the hospital, she wished more than anything she would've just knocked Sharon out.

* * *

  
When Steve awoke for the second time, the fog had cleared from his mind. He didn't feel as drugged, and his eyes weren't as heavy. The pain in his chest had lessened, and his eyes fluttered open, quickly adjusting to the dim lighting in the hospital room.

"Baby, you're awake."

He frowned as hands cradled his face, and he gazed up at Sharon hovering over him. He muffled a groan, turning his head as he looked for the person he really wanted. "Where is she?" He asked hoping Sharon would know who he was referring to.

Her eyes flashed with annoyance, and she stood from the chair beside the hospital bed. "She doesn't care about you, Steve. She left." She stated flatly.

"Yes she does." He sighed, letting his head fall back onto the pillow. He didn't doubt Natasha and although, he knew she didn't feel the same way about him, he knew she wouldn't leave him. _He knew she cared._

To his relief, Sharon abruptly left the room, and he closed his eyes, hoping Natasha would have returned by the time he woke up again. Before he drifted off to sleep, there was another voice.

"On your left."

Steve smiled as he looked over at his friend, Sam, sitting on the couch across from the bed.

"Oh... hey." He chuckled, rubbing his bandage as pain fluttered in his chest when he laughed.

"Sharon threatened Natasha that if she didn't leave, she'd withdraw resources from Moscow." Sam explained. Steve opened his mouth to speak, but his friend cut him off. "I already called Maria and texted Natasha. She'll be here soon. Just relax, man."

"You and Maria, huh?" He mused. He'd known that Sam and Maria had been hooking up for a while, but he'd thought the flame would fizzle out by now. "Do you love her?" He asked.

"God, Steve." Sam chuckled, rubbing his hands over his face. He definitely hadn't been expecting that question, and it was evident that Steve had struck him speechless. "I want her more than just physically like you want Natasha... that much I know." He said.

"It's not like Romanoff and I." He shook his head, using her last name as if he would be able to scorn his feelings for her. _The thing was, he didn't want to._ He wanted to tell his friend about Natasha and how she made him feel; her smile, her laugh... he wanted her, only he couldn't have her. "You can have Maria. I can't... it doesn't work like that." He said flatly.

Sam opened his mouth to respond but swiftly fell silent as they heard footsteps outside the hospital room.

"Romanoff, I will be honest. I doubted you once upon a time." Steve heard Fury say.

There was the scuffle of boots and a soft laugh that made Steve's heart thrum. "That's sweet." Natasha said sarcastically.

"I will never doubt you now. Thank you for stepping in when you needed to... for saving Rogers. If it was up to me, you wouldn't be stuck in this contract." He replied.

"It's not terrible here." She mused.

Her and Fury finally stepped into the doorframe, and Steve sat up as he looked at her. She smiled, a smile that stole the breath from his lungs, and the heart monitor began to alert to his increasing pulse rate.

Fury laughed, and Sam stood from the couch. "I'm going to get a snack. I'll be back." Sam chuckled, patting Steve's hand before he left the room.

Natasha dropped her bag in the corner of the room and strode to Steve's bedside. He reached for her hand, not caring who was watching because _she was there_ just like she had been when he needed saving. She brushed her thumb over the top of his hand, as if to say, _'you’re awake.'_

He sighed as he glanced at the burn on her cheek and gave her a look in response, a look that said _'you shouldn't have saved me'_ but she merely shook her head and squeezed his hand.

"I guess I made the right decision to make you two partners." Fury said.

"Yeah, I'd probably be dead if you didn't." Steve joked. It was as if a sudden weight had been lifted off his shoulders, even though his body ached more than ever. 

He hadn't even had the chance to speak to S.H.I.E.L.D's doctor, Bruce Banner, since he'd awoken, but he could hardly envision the extent of his injuries. However as if on cue, the doctor strode into the room with a clipboard in his hand and a stethoscope around his neck. "How are you feeling, Steve?" Bruce asked.

He knew the man as a doctor and friend, but not as the Hulk. He couldn't remember the last time he had transformed into the 'big, green guy,' and the brown hair and kind eyes were who he knew best. "I'm okay." He replied softly. He actually felt like he'd been hit by a truck, but he wouldn't say it aloud because he didn't want anymore drugs that clouded his mind.

Bruce began to examine him and check his vitals as he gave Steve the rundown. "You have a few third-degree burns, but those are healing nicely, and your incision is starting to scab over. I want to keep you here for a few nights to be safe but overall, you're recovering well, and I can confidently say that you'll pull through." Bruce said teasingly.

Fury hummed in acknowledgment, his arms crossed over his chest as he stood in the doorway. He was a spy - one of the best at concealing his emotions - but Steve knew he cared about his entire team. "Any brain damage?" He asked jokingly.

Bruce laughed, shaking his head. His eyes then settled on Natasha, and he smiled at her. "Bruce Banner. We've met, but I'm sure you don't remember." He said.

"I remember you were the doctor who treated my people in Moscow." She replied, shaking his hand politely. "Thanks for that."

"You're welcome," he murmured, his eyes lingering on her before he looked away to speak to Fury about Steve's recovery.

Hours later, after everyone had left and the hospital had quieted down as the moon hung in the sky, it was just Steve and Natasha. He was trying not to fall asleep as she laid on the couch and watched television.

"I'm freezing." She sighed abruptly, swinging herself off the couch and heading to the closet to find more blankets.

As she passed the bed, he caught her hand. "Come here." He mumbled tiredly. 

She giggled softly, a sound he hardly recognized as hers, and climbed onto the bed beside him. He drew the blankets over her, keeping a respectful distance between them, and her eyes quickly fluttered closed as his did as well.


	9. take me as i am

**_"nothing you say wouldn't interest me. all of your words are like poems to me. i would be honored if you would take me as i am. i want you to look right in my eyes, to tell me you love me, to be by my side. i want you."_ **

_\- is that alright; lady gaga_

* * *

  
Bruce Banner had one hand on the wheel, his other on his thigh as he drove down the long stretch of Mississippi highway. Golden fields and thick forests stretched for miles as far as the eye could see, the morning sunlight reflecting off the road and his sunglasses. The radio played music in the car, an artist even he knew - Lady Gaga - belting out songs he could probably sing from the bottom of his heart.

He had never taken Natasha Romanoff as a fan, but she had surprised him in more ways than one. If he listened closely, he could hear her humming softly as she scrolled through her phone, her knees pulled up to her chest and a pillow tucked under her lower back. He was surprised she hadn't fallen asleep from how vexed she had seemed when he stopped by her apartment to pick her up for their mission. Her eyes were still heavy with exhaustion, and her sweater was big and bulky even though it was already 70 degrees out and the temperature was rising. They were still a few hours out from the base they were meeting Steve Rogers and Wanda Maximoff at, but he didn't mind their flight to Mississippi or the drive, and it wasn't awkward. He had come to know Natasha as a friend from how much time she had spent in the hospital with Steve and their conversations during the unplanned flight and road trip. She wasn't supposed to have been assigned a mission after she'd just returned from one last night, but he knew Fury wouldn't have put her back out in the field if the mission wasn't significantly important.

"Do you have any song requests?" Natasha asked, glancing away from her phone to look at him.

He shook his head with a soft chuckle. He doubted that she would like any of the music he listened to.

She switched songs a few times before deciding on one and settling back in her seat. Just as comfortable silence settled between them, her phone began to ring shrilly. She scrambled to turn off the ringtone and quickly answered the call.

"You look terrible."

Steve Rogers said to Natasha over FaceTime. She rolled her eyes, balancing the phone on her knees in front of her. "I'm going to kick your ass when we get there. How far out are we, Bruce?" She asked.

"Probably three hours." He estimated. He was still surprised with how close Captain America and the Russian assassin had become. It was always Steve _and_ Natasha, a augmented friendship forged through hardships; two, entirely different people who had come together to save lives - and one another. He knew they weren't anything more than friends because as far as he knew, Steve had taken the opportunity to get to know twenty-first century women without any strings attached. Despite all the time Natasha had spent in the hospital with him, he'd never seen them do anything more than hold hands and share a bed with plenty of space between them. As far as Bruce was concerned, Natasha was single, and he didn't have to feel guilty about the feelings he was developing for her.

"You have time to prepare then." She teased him.

"I'll make sure I get you coffee first so you'll have the energy to punch me." Steve quipped over the phone.

She laughed, a sound that made Bruce's heart skip a beat. "Yeah, you might have to do that, Rogers." She yawned. "I should've stayed one more day in Quebec. Fury wouldn't have been able to drag me out on this mission." She mumbled.

"We can say you got sick." Steve suggested.

"I'll confirm it as the doctor." Bruce then said, making them both laugh.

"You just have to operate today and then tomorrow you can spend the day in the hotel room sleeping and stealing my sweatshirts." Steve said.

Bruce had wondered whose sweater she had been wearing.

Natasha mindlessly twisted her fingers in the hem of Steve's sweater, a smile tugging at the corner of her lips. "I like the sound of that!"

* * *

  
She was alive...

_Madame B.._

The woman who had tortured Natasha for years, training her to be a cruel assassin for an organization who cared for nothing other than their own interests.

She had survived...

Natasha had thought that she had killed her. She remembered killing her in her office, the bullet piercing her chest as she shot her from a rooftop just minutes before Natasha burned the Red Room down. She had figured if the woman didn't bleed out from the gunshot wound, she would surely die in the fire. _But she hadn't._ Somehow, someway, she had survived. Not only was she alive, but she was recruiting young girls for a new Black Widow program that she was trying to receive funding for.

Natasha clutched the file she'd stolen from the office in her trembling hand. S.H.I.E.L.D. had known something was amiss with the Missouri governor and _this_ had been it... a man willing to hand over thousands of dollars to help build a Red Room in Germany. She was trying to focus on the mission even though her mind was spinning, and she felt like she was going to be sick. She had to get out of the building _now_. She still had to of completed her part of mission because she had a duty to America, because she was devoted to Steve Rogers. However, all she really wanted to do was find Madame B. and torture her like she had tortured Natasha as a young girl. She wanted to wring every once of life from that _damned_ woman, like she had wrung every once of faith from Natasha.

Her boots clanked loudly against the staircase she swiftly ran down. She didn't have to worry about being heard; her side of the building was empty but even if it wasn't, she didn't care about being found. _Let them come._ She was so angry and upset she would've took out anyone she came across with a bullet to the head. She was done giving mercy to those who hurt others... _done_. She wasn't an angel; she was a Black Widow and widows never forgot or forgave.

She ran down the hallways to rush outside where she could hear Wanda intricately constructing an invisible blockage around the building so it would be untraceable to satellites.

"Tell Rogers I'm leaving. My part is done." She told her friend. "I have everything downloaded on the flash drive."

Wanda frowned, glancing at Natasha but keeping her focus on her task all at the same time. Wanda could see the anger in her eyes, the _dread_ , and all Natasha had to do was show her the photo of Madame B. outside the White House, and Wanda understood immediately.

"Everything I've done will have been a waste if this woman lives." She said harshly. Her throat tightened, and she felt like crying but even then, she was too proud to let tears fall.

"Дерьмо. Ты уходишь сейчас?" _[Shit. Are you leaving now?]_ Wanda asked, switching to Russian in case there were others listening.

Natasha wanted to slam her foot on the ground, scream... cry. She wanted to tear apart the file and pretend she had never of found it, that she never found out Madame B. was alive because everything had been fine. _She had been happy._ Now, her world was crumbling around her, and the violent revolution in Moscow she had started - the revolution that had killed so many of her friends - had been for nothing if Madame B. was constructing another Red Room. "Я не могу никуда идти из-за этого контракта!" _[I fucking can't go anywhere because of this contract!]_ Natasha exclaimed.

"Christ, Nat. Just go back to the hotel, okay? Rogers will understand, and we'll be done soon." Wanda said, trying to sound reassuring although Natasha could hear how anxious she was.

The hotel was just a few blocks away from the office they had been working to infiltrate, and Natasha made it there in record time. She grabbed her bag out of Bruce's car, checked into the hotel, and threw herself down onto the bed after taking a hot shower. She desperately needed to talk to Yelena, but she knew the call would surely be traced. There wasn't even anything they could do because America had such an unyielding hold on her freedom and her peoples' future. She grabbed the photograph of Madame B. outside the White House, a cunning smile on her face as she had stared into the camera. Natasha looked at her eyes, the eyes that had glinted so maliciously as she beat Natasha into submission, drowned her over and over again until she panicked whenever she was submerged in water, and turned her into a monster.

She couldn't let the Madame B. torture anymore girls; she didn't want to see them turn out like her.

She set down the photo as the door to the hotel room opened, and she looked up as Bruce stepped inside. She was too tired to tell him that she didn't feel like talking, but she figured it was pretty obvious as to how she felt.

She sat up as he lowered himself beside her and was utterly shocked as he drew her into her arms and hugged her. She definitely hadn't thought they had reached this level of friendship, but she wasn't about to punch the man who could turn into the Hulk in the blink of an eye. "Where's Steve?" She mumbled, her cheek against his chest.

"He'll be here in just a second." Bruce said, his hand rubbing circles on her back that most people would've found reassuring.

Only Natasha wasn't most people.

When the door opened again, she pulled away from Bruce and jumped to her feet when she saw Steve. She rushed towards him and into his waiting arms that drew her close, holding onto her tightly. _This she found reassuring._ This man, the man she had come to adore entirely. Her heart thrummed, and her arms tightened around his neck, wanting to lose herself in everything that was Steve Rogers because nothing else seemed to matter when she was with him.

"I got your coffee." He murmured, brushing his lips over her hairline. "It's probably cold now, but I'll heat it up."

She laughed, despite the tears blurring her vision, and grabbed onto the collar of his shirt, not wanting to let him go. She was surprised he wasn't wearing his uniform, but she wasn't complaining because she could feel the ridges of his muscles and press even closer to him. "I don't know what to do." She murmured. She pulled back to look at him, the world seeming to fade as he gazed into her eyes and brushed his thumb over her hip. She hadn't seen him in almost two weeks because she'd been on her own mission in Quebec but even that felt too long without being able to see him.

"I think I know someone who can help. He's only an hour away." Steve said. He grabbed her bag on the floor and hitched it over his shoulder as if they were just going to walk out and leave everything behind.

"What about the mission?" She asked, shaking her head. They had a duty to S.H.I.E.L.D., an obligation to serve the organization and America. As much as she would've loved to leave with Steve and find a way to kill Madame B., it didn't seem possible no matter what Captain America had up his sleeve.

He cupped her jaw, and her breath hitched in her throat as she leaned into his touch. "This is more important... _you_ are more important." He told he imploringly. 

_She could've kissed him then and there._

"Steve..." She breathed. For a moment, she forgot that her world was crumbling just by staring into his azure eyes. However, they were both startled when Bruce cleared his throat, and they pulled away from one another.

"We really just have to do paperwork. Bruce, you and Wanda can go home tonight." Steve sighed, reluctantly uncurling his arm from around Natasha.

She felt the loss of his touch immediately, the chill that settled in her bones that she tried to ignore as she mustered a smile. "I'll see you later." She told Bruce before she left the room as he and Steve began to talk. As she left the suite, she saw Wanda walking towards her in the hallway. "Steve and I are leaving. You and Bruce get to go home." She told her friend.

"Really?" Wanda asked, sounding pleasantly surprised. "Where are you guys going? Is he whisking you off to some five star hotel while I'm stuck road tripping-it to the airport with Bruce?"

Natasha laughed, shaking her head. "That'd be nice, but I have no idea what Rogers' plan is. Just be careful, okay?" She said, lowering her voice. Madame B. had just as many connections as S.H.I.E.L.D. did. She wouldn't hesitate to go after Natasha's friends to get to her, to slither her way into S.H.I.E.L.D. operations and rip their roots from the ground. She was a vile and cruel woman who Natasha should've killed long ago.

Wanda took her hands, squeezing them gently. "I will, I promise. I know this is hard for you, but I'm glad you have Steve. I just hope that you won't be taken away from him because he cares about you more than anything, so you need to be careful... now more than ever."

"I don't know what's going to happen." Natasha replied quietly. Her friend's words made her heart twist painfully and her throat tighten.

_He cares about you more than anything._

"No one knows what's going to happen, but remember you're not alone in this fight, and you have _literal_ superheroes who will back you up." Wanda laughed, pulling her in for a hug as Steve and Bruce came from the hotel room with their bags packed. "Damn, I didn't even have the chance to shower." She then said as she let Natasha go.

They bid one another goodbye, and Steve followed Natasha out to the car that he and Wanda had rented, opening the passenger door for her and setting their bags into the backseat. "Where are we going?" She asked. She trusted him to take her anywhere, but the curiosity was killing her.

"I have a friend... Clint Barton. He's a retired spy who did a lot of undercover work in the KGB." He explained. He started the engine, drove out of the parking lot, and onto the seemingly never ending highway.

The sun was already beginning to set, embellishing the sky in a vivid array of colors, but she couldn't appreciate its beauty with something as ugly as Madame B. on her mind. "Retired?" She repeated.

"Yeah. He's living the good ol' life here in Missouri." He said casually as if she was a family-friend of the Bartons'.

"Surely he nor his wife would trust me around their children." She retorted in disbelief. Black Windows were infamously known throughout the world, her reputation tainted and her ledger dripping blood. Even if she had been murdering those involved in horrific crimes to make the world a better place, she still had a hand in torturing them for information and killing anyone who got in her way.

"Sure they will! You're very trustworthy and if you don't feel comfortable, we can always stay at a hotel." He assured her.

She couldn't help but shift closer to him, reaching for his hand and entwining her fingers with his. Heat unfurled through her core as he pressed their palms together, and he glanced at her with a handsome smile tugging on the corners of his _oh-so_ kissable lips. She momentarily forgot how to breathe because she didn't deserve him; his kindness and trust. However, she didn't think she'd ever be able to let him go, and she was honored he took her as she was.   
  


* * *

  
Natasha's eyes were heavy with exhaustion by the time Steve pulled onto the gravel driveway that led to a charming house nestled in the woods. She felt _slightly_ envious of Clint Barton because he had a family, which was something she could never have. However, when Steve was by her side, she didn't think she'd need anything - or _anyone_ \- but him.

Only she knew eventually that she'd have to say goodbye.

As he shifted the car into park, he squeezed her hand before getting out. He began to walk to the other side to open her door for her, however before he could, two children ran from the house. They were screaming 'Uncle Steve' excitedly and leapt into his arms as he kneeled down to hug them. She hesitantly got out of the car, feeling more nervous than she'd ever felt on a mission for S.H.I.E.L.D.. She felt as though she was intruding on something she wasn't supposed to be apart of, something so pure that she shouldn't taint with the blood on her hands.

Steve stood as he noticed Natasha and took her hand as she pressed to his side. Her stomach twisted with nerves, but she smiled down at the little boy and little girl who gazed up at her with wide, curious eyes. "Cooper, Lila... this is Natasha. She's a very good friend of mine."

"I saw you on TV!" Lila exclaimed excitedly, bouncing on her heels.

"Oh, God." Natasha mumbled under her breath, knowing whatever the child had saw surely wasn't anything good. 

Steve chucked as he heard her and kissed her forehead.

"You saved Moscow; all the kids and woman there!" Cooper said.

"I-" She began, shaking her head, but she swiftly fell quiet as a man, evidently Clint Barton, and presumably his wife, came from the house. In the woman's arms was a bundle of blankets, a baby boy just a few months old.

"Just good friends, you say?" Clint smirked at Steve. The two men embraced as Steve rolled his eyes, and then Steve kissed the woman on the cheek before pressing another kiss to the baby's bald head.

She could've swore her heart melted then and there. Who knew Captain America and babies would make her swoon?

"I'm Laura Barton, and this is Nathaniel." The woman smiled as she caught Natasha's eye while Clint and Steve began to talk. "I'm so glad you two could make it, and I'm so honored to meet you."

"The honor is mine. Evidently Steve is very close to your family." Natasha said, feeling at ease as they graciously welcomed her into their home.

Cooper and Lila were buzzing with excitement as Laura and Clint quickly showed Natasha around their house and the next thing she knew, Clint was setting Nathaniel in her arms as she sat down at the dining room table.

 _Oh_.

She'd never held a baby before, but she wasn't sure if she ever wanted to let him go. Cradling him to her chest, he stared up at her with innocent, blue eyes and latched onto her finger as she reached up to adjust his blanket. "Ты такой милый." _[You're just so cute.]_ She cooed, tucking him even closer to her as his eyes began to flutter sleepily.

She'd caught Cooper and Lila's attention as they heard her speak Russian, and they ran over to the table, pleading for her to teach them a few words.

"You' ready for a family, now?" Clint teased Steve, gently nudging him in the side.

His friend had evidently caught him staring at Natasha, but he shouldn't have been surprised. After all, Clint was a retired spy, and spies noticed everything. "She's pretty great, isn't is?" He mused, combing his fingers through his hair as he dragged his eyes away from her. He looked at Clint and Laura, who were smirking at him while they made dinner. Steve was trying to help, but they continued to push him away and insist that he was their guest. "I wish she wasn't going back to Moscow... well, that sounded wrong." He sighed.

He wished that he wouldn't have to say goodbye one day.

"I know what you mean." Laura laughed, shaking her head. "But you never know how things will play out. Does she know how you feel about her?" She asked openly.

He was glad that Natasha was distracted by Lila and Cooper and wasn't listening to their conversation. "No." He sighed. He couldn't even deny his feelings for her anymore. Seeing her in Bruce's arm had struck a nerve, and he'd wanted to kiss her in front of Bruce just to show him that he was hers to love. He had no right to be jealous but he was, even though she wasn't his to love and never would be.

"You should tell her although, she's probably got half of it figured out already." Clint replied encouragingly. "She hasn't ran for the hills yet which is a good sign!"

Steve chuckled, drawn to Natasha as he turned back to her and sat down beside her at the table. She smiled at him, a smile that took his breath away, and he mustered one of his own, wondering what he'd done to deserve her in his life. She shifted in her chair, careful to not wake Nathaniel, and leaned against Steve's side as he drew his arm around her.

_Just friends._

He had to remind himself of that throughout the evening. 

After dinner, he was sitting on the living room floor playing games with Cooper, Lila, and Laura, while Clint and Natasha sat on the couch with Nathaniel. If he listened closely, he could hear them talking about the KGB, and he hoped that Clint had information that could help her find Madame B..

"Steve, what's your favorite number?" Cooper asked, drawing him from his thoughts, as the young boy adjusted something on the game board. Frankly, Steve wasn't sure what was going on and what the goal was, but he was just happy to be back with the kids who never failed to make him smile.

He pretended to think for a moment, but he already knew what his answer was. "Six... eleven is pretty cool too." He said. He heard Natasha choke on her wine and began coughing. He tried not to chuckle as she cleared her throat and nudged him in the back with her foot.

"Natasha has a number six tattooed on her wrist!" Lila exclaimed.

"Really? That's funny." He smirked, glancing back at her.

Later that night, Natasha was trying hard not to fall asleep while lying in the guest bedroom her and Steve were sharing. The Barton's didn't have an extra bedroom since they had built Nathaniel's nursery, but she wasn't about to make Steve sleep on the couch. They'd shared hotel rooms plenty of times before and even a bed when he was hospital. However, this felt intimate on a whole other level, and she knew they were crossing lines that they shouldn't because when Steve came from the en suite and laid down beside her, all she wanted to do was lay in his arms and lose herself in him entirely.

"Goodnight." She mumbled sleepily as he pulled the blanket over them, heedful to keep plenty of space between them.

"Night, 'Tasha." He said softly, longing to close the distance between them.


	10. feel no hurt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> merry christmas. have a safe and happy holiday!

**_"tell me how to be in this world. tell me how to breathe in and feel no hurt. tell me how could i believe in something..._ ** **_i believe in us.”_ **

_\- us; james bay_ **_  
  
_**

* * *

  
The morning sunlight was peeking through the curtains, casting a soft glow across Natasha's face as she slowly awoke from her peaceful slumber. It took her a while to finally open her eyes, surrounding by warmth and feeling as though she was untouchable. She couldn't remember ever feeling so safe and sleeping so deeply. As her eyes fluttered open, and she blinked the sleep from her eyes, she realized why. In their sleep, her and Steve had closed the distance between them. Their legs were tangled, her back was pressed against his chest, and his arm was around her waist. She could feel his soft breathing on the back of her neck, his nose nuzzled into her hair as he held her close. She didn't dare move, not wanting to shatter the peaceful moment between them. She lay there quietly, listening to his breathing that almost lulled her back to sleep. She didn't ever want to leave the comfort of his arms, the way he held her so close even as he slept.

She didn't believe in spiritual matters or soulmates. She didn't believe in higher-powers or heaven and hell. She did, however, believe in Steve... that maybe, _just maybe,_ she could've had a future with him in a different lifetime; in a life where she wasn't a Black Widow and he wasn't Captain America. She tried not to think how unfair life was as she lay in his arms, but it was hard not to when all she wanted to do was turn around and kiss him.

She sighed heavily, tucking herself as close to him as she physically could with a smile tugging at the corner of her lips when she felt his arm tighten around her. She figured that she might as well enjoy it while she could. She closed her eyes as he shifted behind her, evidently starting to wake up. She hated herself for ruining the moment, but she was entirely relieved when he didn't move away. Instead, he nuzzled his nose against the back of her neck and drew his finger across her hip absentmindedly.

She couldn't pretend to be asleep forever.

"Morning." She mumbled, her voice still groggy with sleep, even though she had been awake for a few minutes.

He froze behind her, his breath hitching in his throat. "I didn't realize you were up." He stammered out, realizing she had been awake the entire time, and he'd been caught.

"Mhm..." She hummed, burying her face in the pillow as he pulled his hand away and sat up slowly. She resisted the urge to pull him back to her as she turned over to face him, tucking her hand under her cheek as she looked up at him. "I'm not getting up yet." She mumbled. She didn't even know what time it was, but she was too warm and cozy to get out of the bed... a few more hours of sleep wouldn't hurt. Heaven knows she needed it.

He chuckled, running his fingers through his tousled, blonde hair. The sunlight reflected in his captivating, azure eyes, and Natasha had to remember how to breathe as she looked at him, wondering how anyone could be so handsome in the morning light.

Meanwhile, he was wondering how Natasha could be so beautiful.

He was still flustered that she had been awake before him. He had never slept so soundly before, his arms wrapped around her and their legs tangled as they slept. He didn't remember waking up in the middle of the night and pulling her close nor did he remember her moving closer, but it had felt so right. He longed to lie back down with her, to pretend the sun was setting instead of rising, but he knew it'd be awkward since they were _just friends._

He sighed as he reluctantly dragged himself out of the bed and into the en-suite to freshen up. When he came back out, Natasha was curled up on his side of the bed with her face in his pillow, already fast asleep. He smiled to himself, his heart thrumming in his chest as he looked at her.

_If only he could wake up with her every morning._

* * *

  
When Natasha awoke two hours later, she felt more well rested than she had ever been before.

She stretched with a dramatic groan, blinking the sleep from her eyes and glancing at the clock on the bedside nightstand. It was already 10:30am, and she was surprised the Barton's household was so quiet. She had expected to be awoken by Cooper and Lila jumping on the bed or, at least, hear them giggling and running around the house. She slowly untangled herself from the blankets and got out of bed, drawing the blinds open before brushing her hair and freshening up in the en-suite. She wished that she'd awoken with Steve like she had earlier, but it made getting out of bed a _hell_ of a lot easier without him. She lazily dragged her feet as she slowly began to make her way through the quiet house, wondering where everyone was.

Surely Madame B. hadn't found her already...

Panic set into her bones, her heart racing and her stomach twisting with fear at the very real possibility. She didn't have her gun on her, but she was suddenly light on her feet and slinked around the corner to the kitchen, ready to _slaughter_ anyone who dared to harm the Barton's and Steve.

Then she noticed the back door was open, and she heard the radio playing in the backyard. She sighed with relief, the tension leaving her shoulders as she realized that no one had actually been murdered, and Madame B. hadn't found them. She pushed the door open and tried not to stare when she saw Steve swimming in the lake behind the house. Suddenly, it felt a lot hotter than when she first stepped outside. She took off her sweater, leaving herself in a tang-top as her teeth sunk into her lower lip. He was every woman's fantasy, water dripping down his back, his muscles flexing with every small movement he made as he swam. She longed to lick every drop of water from his skin and have her wicked way with him, feeling his powerful arms hold her so gently as she sucked and nipped at his soft lips. 

_Oh, god._

She desperately needed to focus and stop fantasizing about Captain America like every women did.

She wasn't special; she didn't deserve him. 

"Where is everyone?" She asked, sounding more flustered than she had meant to as she got his attention.

He turned in the water to look at her, propping his arms up on the wooden deck and looking at her as she sat down beside him, taking off her socks and dipping her feet in the warm water. "Clint and Laura took the kiddos' to the mall so you could sleep in." He told her. 

"Well that was... sweet. They definitely didn't have to do that." She mused, watching the water ripple around them. She tried not to look at Steve too long or she might have started to drool. He was entirely breathtaking, a man who was beautiful inside and out.

He leaned his chin on his arms, openly staring at her and making her feel so abashed that sweat began to drip down her back. "Are you going to get in?" He asked, pausing for a moment before he quickly spoke again. "Oh... I forgot about that, I'm sorry." He said, his cheeks flushing softly as he remembered that she couldn't swim. It was her dirty little secret, something she had told him long ago on their first mission as partners. "I mean, I will teach you but don't feel like you have to... ah- forget I said anything." He stumbled out, shaking his head to himself.

"I suppose as long as you don't drown me." She smirked playfully.

_Was she really going to get in the water with him?_

She trusted him with her life; she knew he'd never hurt her, and she had to get over her fear at some point in her lifetime, especially if she was going to face Madame B. again.

Surely looking at Steve would be enough of a distraction.

His eyes widened in surprise as she slid off her sweatpants, leaving her in tight spandex. He, nonetheless, respected her as a woman and kept his eyes on hers as she slowly slid into the water beside him. She adjusted her tang-top rubbing against her skin uncomfortably, her bare feet sinking into the sand as water lapped at her stomach. It wasn't so bad or as frightening as she thought it was going to be... the water was warm and soothed her muscles.

"You can take your shirt off if you're comfortable with that. I don't mind." He said, awkwardly running his fingers through his hair as she tugged at her tang-top again.

She shook her head, boldly looking up at him. "Too many scars. I said goodbye to bikinis a long time ago." She mused. She tried not to think about the ugly scars that were visible to him, the whip lashes, burns, and bullet wounds that would never fade. Meanwhile, he was flawless, unmarked in more ways than one.

"Yeah, I bet you look terrible in them now." He teased sarcastically, grasping onto her hands and gently guiding her deeper into the water.

She let him, focusing on the feeling of him holding her hands instead of the water and the haunting flashbacks that came with it. Suddenly as the water reached her breasts, panic seized her in its entirety. He stopped before she could say anything, meeting her eyes and assuring her silently that it was okay. She sighed, trying not to think of Madame B. drowning her over and over again until she knew those damned ten words... _I'm Natalia Alianovna Romanova. Number 011. Owned by the KGB._

Steve drew her from the dark corners of her mind by wrapping his arms around her hip, lifting her up and keeping her further above the water. She grasped onto his shoulders, leaning into him as he bared her weight. "You'll have to relax." He told her as if it was that easy.

For a moment, she thought about just getting out. It was utterly embarrassing for Steve Rogers, of all people, to see her so vulnerable, but she quickly remembered how much they trusted one another as partners, that it was about so much more than her pride.

"Are you okay to go deeper?" He asked.

"Just... just don't drop me." She breathed, hoping he couldn't feel her hands shaking on his shoulders.

"I won't let you go." He promised. He only took a few more steps before he stopped and pulled her into his arms, holding her above the water and keeping her feet off the ground. "You need to relax." He implored again.

She found it more comfortable to wrap her arms around his neck, pressing against him as he held her with an arm around her waist. If she wasn't so scared, she would've blushed at the intimacy of their position. She could feel every ridge and curve of his muscles, how he breathed slowly and the way his broad chest rumbled when he spoke. It was the perfect distraction, but it wasn't enough for her to entirely forget the flashbacks that had poisoned her mind for years. "I was drowned. A lot." She blurted out. "As punishment, as an interrogation tactic, and as a way for my handler to get her point across." She figured she could, at least, explain to him why she was scared out of her mind. "They never taught us to swim because drowning was their most 'successful' method."

"Shit, Nat... we don't have to do this." He said softly.

"I want to. How am I supposed to face _her_ if I can't do this? I was so close to breaking when Runlow was water boarding me, but I can't break. I have to do this." She stated firmly.

He wrapped both arms around her, holding her as if it was the simplest thing in the world. "Baby steps, okay? I understand why you want to do this, but you can't learn how to swim overnight." He replied.

She hummed in acknowledgment, resting her head on his shoulder. He didn't push her for more, staying rooted in one spot and holding her as she trembled against him because he understood, _because he cared._ She quickly relaxed in his arms, closing her eyes and feeling how weightless she was in the water. Eventually, she stopped shaking like a leaf and loosened her paralyzing grip on him. He kissed her forehead, a move that surprised her, but had her nuzzling even closer to him. She wasn't ready for him to let her go although, she didn't think she'd ever be ready. In his arms, her world righted itself, and she could breathe in and feel no hurt.

"I'll move a little deeper." He told her but didn't make any move to let her go.

She nodded against his shoulder, utterly relieved that she wasn't stricken with panic when water lapped at her upper back, soaking the ends of her hair. She naturally began to kick her legs to keep herself afloat, even though he was holding her.

"See, you've got it. Although, you're unusually quiet." He chuckled, running his hand up her back, causing a pleasant shiver to coarse through her.

She rolled her eyes playfully. "I'm concentrating." She murmured before she gasped in surprise as he kicked off the ground, gliding through the water with her. He only did it once, holding her firmly against him - _protectively_. When he straightened, she found herself giggling. "It's not so bad." She laughed with relief. Although, she wasn't swimming because Steve was holding her, she was in the water and hadn't scummed to a panic attack. It was a minor victory but it was a victory, nonetheless. 

She lifted her head from his shoulder, and the air began to sizzle and crackle as her eyes met his. Her heart skipped a beat, his lips _right there._

"Can I kiss you?"

His question didn't surprise her; the tension between them was so thick that a knife couldn't slice through it. They both felt it, and Natasha knew that they had waited far too long to act on it.

"I was really hoping you would." She said with a smirk, leaning into him as he closed the distance that had been between them for far too long.

Their lips fit together like the last missing puzzle piece to her heart.

His hand cupped the back of her neck as she tangled one of her hands in his hair, the other cupping his jaw. "Tasha'..." He breathed against her lips as she pulled back, only to hook her legs around his hips and kiss him deeply. She could've swore she saw fireworks behind her closed eyelids, heat pooling into her core as they kissed like the world was ending. However, it felt like hers was just starting with each caress of his lips against hers, every time he inhaled sharply and gently squeezed his arm around the arch of her lower back. She boldly ran her tongue along his lip, and he opened his mouth to her, brushing his tongue against hers in return. He angled his head just right, sucking her bottom lip into his mouth as he caressed her lip with his tongue. She moaned softly, a sound that surprised even herself, and tightened her legs around him. All she wanted was to lose herself in Steve until all she could think about was him, and she came pretty damn close until she felt lightheaded and had to pull back to catch her breath.

He gazed at her as if she hung the moon and all the stars. She couldn't help but smile, leaning in to kiss his nose adoringly and making him laugh. "I've been telling myself we're just friends for so long, I thought' I would only be able to dream of kissing you." He said, reaching up and tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear.

"I've wanted to be more than friends for so long. It killed me to see you with Sharon." She sighed, remembering the jealously she had felt when he had been dating that vile woman. However, he was in her arms now, and she would enjoy it while it lasted.

He kissed her gently - _adoringly_ ; a soft kiss that told her how much she meant to him. "I hope this isn't bad timing, but can I ask you out on a proper date? Not just eating in the car on missions." He chuckled.

Her heart sank, and his did as well when he saw the smile fall from her face. "You know we can't. I'll be kicked out of your country in seven months and much sooner if the government finds out a Russian assassin is with their solider, Captain America." She explained. She felt like crying, even though she couldn't remember the last time she'd cried.

Life wasn't fair, and it was never simple.

"I understand." He said, and her heart shattered as he looked at her with sadness reflecting in his azure eyes. "Nothing I say will change your mind?" He asked.

"I'm not rejecting you, Steve. I want you, I really do, but I can't. I have to protect my people and just as importantly, I have to protect you." She murmured, pressing her forehead against his and imploring him to see the truth. She lo-... adored him, but they couldn't be together in this lifetime.

"Protect me from what?" He asked, closing his eyes as he tried to engrave the memory - _the feeling_ \- of Natasha into his mind, a memory he would never forget.

"Everything that I am." She whispered.

He opened his eyes to stare into her stunning, emerald orbs. "Everything you are, I love and want."   
  


* * *

"So you two kissed, but she's afraid the government will kick her out of the country if they find out you're dating?" Clint asked for clarification, taking a swing of his beer as he leaned back in his chair. He stared out at the lake for a moment, enjoying the quiet moment on the porch, before he spoke again. "It makes sense."

"Clint, you were supposed to tell me that we could figure a way around it." Steve grumbled.

He had dragged his friend out on the porch to tell him what had gone down that morning while Laura, Natasha, and the kids were distracted with baking cookies. He was still trying to figure out a way to pick himself off the floor. _He had kissed her._ He had kissed the woman he had been falling for, a woman he adored like no other, and told her how he felt. He had held her and helped her get over her fear of the water, _but he couldn't have her._ He couldn't wake up with her every morning and make her breakfast. He couldn't worship her body every evening and surprise her with kisses throughout the day. He couldn't help her see that her scars were beautiful, that her story was as well, and she was the hero everyone wanted - _the hero he needed._ He had to let her go, to feel her slip right through his fingertips because she had asked him to, and he would do anything she asked, even if it meant walking away.

"I don't know, man. You could try and keep it a secret but unfortunately, people are going to find out one way or another. It sounds like Natasha doesn't want to take that risk." Clint sighed. "I feel for you. I know she loves you, and I've never seen you like this. You smile so much when she's around, I sometimes wonder if you're the joker."

He couldn't help but chuckle at the joke. "I don't think she loves me but-"

"She loves you. I see the way she looks at you and how she leans into you. I know you feel the same way. I think you just gotta' remember that life works out the way it's supposed to. Even if you can't be together now, there is always the future." Clint said.

"So much wisdom..." Steve mused, however, he took his friend's words to heart.

_There is always the future._


	11. my future in your eyes

**_"we are still kids, but we're so in love, fighting against all odds. i know we'll be alright this time. darling, just hold my hand. be my girl, i'll be your man. i see my future in your eyes."_ **

_\- perfect; ed sheeran_

* * *

  
"Oh my God, Steve..." Natasha moaned. 

She pressed her face into the pillow, her back arching as his hands worked their magic. Heat curved down to her core, her toes curling into the leather couch as she tried to muffle the sounds he drew from her.

"Geez, 'Tasha. You're so tight." He mumbled, leaning over her while being careful not to crush her with his weight.

His hands worked the knots in her shoulders, trying to relieve the tension that made her ache and sore.

Who knew Captain America would be so good with his hands _and_ his tongue.

_Fuck._

_Fuck her and fuck him._

She groaned internally, trying not to think of their kiss at the Barton's a few weeks ago. They had agreed to remain friends, no matter how much it was killing her. She could hardly look at him without wanting to jump his bones. Even on their last mission, she wanted to climb into bed with him and pretend they were a normal couple with normal lives.

Who knew a Black Widow would struggle to control herself around Steve Rogers?

She desperately needed a distraction, but she didn't want anyone else. She couldn't think of anyone she wanted, anyway. For a moment, she had thought of Bruce Banner because he had definitely been checking her out, but her feelings for Steve were too strong. She would never be able to have her way with another man and not think about him. Heaven knows she might even moan _Steve's_ name which would surely lead to an incredibly awkward conversation.

"You're going to be sore tomorrow, you know that right?" He said as he slid his hands down her shoulders and pulled away from her. He sat back on the couch as she rolled over onto her back, adjusting her - well, his - sweatshirt that had fallen off her shoulder. "Hopefully not too sore too dance."

She gave him a pointed look, making him chuckle. She had come over to his apartment to watch a movie, not listen to him pester her about the gala Tony Stark was hosting that evening... the one she was _definitely_ not going to. "I don't have anything to wear." She shook her head, trying every excuse in the book, but Steve was a stubborn, _stubborn_ man.

"I'm sure Pepper could find you something." He mused, taking a swing of his beer that probably wasn't cold anymore. "That woman can shop like no other."

She shook her head, sitting up slowly. Her arms felt like liquid, and she leaned back against the arm of the couch. She could be just as stubborn.

"Please, Nat. You'll make it a hell of easier to bare." He whined, practically begging.

She raised her eyebrows at him. "Steven Grant Rogers." She said firmly, trying not to laugh as he swiftly fell silent, and his eyes softened like a puppy who had just been scolded.

He scooted closer to her and laid his head in her lap, staring up at her with his baby blues that always took her breath away. _Oh_ , how could she say no when he was looking at her like that? Would it really be so bad if Steve was there with her? "I'll go for an hour." She huffed, reaching over him to grab her phone on the table and text Pepper about a dress. 

He cheered dramatically but didn't move his head from her lap. She didn't mind one bit.

✉️ _NR: Hey Rogers convinced me to go to Tony's thing tonight. Do you have a dress I could borrow? Sorry it's so last minute_

_✉️ PP: OMG! I'm so glad you're going! I have lots of dresses you would look great in_

Natasha's phone began to blow up as Pepper sent her pictures of dresses. There was one that caught her eye; a long, navy dress that was a similar color to the blue vibranium on Steve's shield. It had off-the-shoulder sleeves and a slit up the side of it. It would cover the whip-lash scars on her back, and she could use makeup to cover the old bullet wound on her shoulder. "What do you think?" She asked Steve, showing him the photo.

"I think you'd look terrible." He smirked, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

She rolled her eyes, playfully smacking his shoulder. "I hate you." She grumbled, trying to shove him off her lap. 

He didn't yield, turning over onto his stomach and laying across her legs as he looked up at her. "You would look stunning in anything." He told her imploringly.

She tried to pretend she wasn't blushing like a schoolgirl as she repeated in her head that they were just friends.

* * *

  
The bright lights were dazzling, sparkling against the marble floors in the Stark Tower. The ballroom was stunning, decorated classically, and well known artists sung their songs upon the massive stage as couples swayed together on the dance floor. Natasha had been trained to blend into the crowd, faking an accent and flirting with men who glanced her way. This time, however, she stuck out like a sore thumb. Everyone knew who she was, the red-headed Russian that most of the country hated. She was used to the spiteful glares, but she was grateful for those who smiled at her, those who whispered their thanks to her as she strode past them. Her black heels were inaudible over the sound of the music and the chatter of the crowd, her blue dress silently brushing against her ankles and her hair braided loosely thanks to Pepper. She knew she looked good, that her body caught the attention of many men. However, she knew that she was only a pretty face in the crowd. Underneath her dress were dozens of scars and stories no one wanted to see or hear.

She made her way through the ballroom, stopping to say hello to those she knew. She soon found herself caught up in a conversation with two S.H.I.E.L.D. technicians but when she saw Wanda amongst the crowd of unfamiliar faces, she quickly excused herself. As she came up behind Wanda, she slid her arm through hers and smiled as her friend turned to look at her. "Nat, you made it!" Wanda said excitedly.

"Yeah, I'm going to need a few shots after all this." She teased, noticing Bucky Barnes standing just a few feet away. His tie matched Wanda's red dress, and she raised her eyebrows.

Wanda blushed softly, and Natasha laughed, playfully winking at her. "If he hurts you, I'll kill him. We could electrocute him since he has that metal arm..." She teased.

"We will kill him together." Wanda said, leaning close to Natasha as she mumbled under her breath.

They both laughed and drew back from one another. Wanda grasped her hands, making her swing back and forth as she implored her to dance. Natasha tried to pull back, but Wanda refused to let her go and laughed as Natasha threw her head back, groaning with vexation.

"Капитан Америка такой же большой, как выглядит?" _[Is Captain America as big as he looks?]_ Wanda asked in Russian so no one understood what she was talking about.

It took a moment for Natasha to realize exactly what she was referring to but when she did, she gasped. "Мы не трахались!" _[We didn't fuck!]_ She exclaimed. "Но быть «просто друзьями» - отстой. Он такой дразня, и он этого не осознает." _[But being 'just friends' sucks. He's such a tease, and he doesn't realize it.]_ She complained. She couldn't even envision how handsome he looked in his suit that night. It would probably look even better on the floor.

"Ladies, might I remind you I was trained by the KGB and speak just as many languages as you?" Bucky said, startling them both.

Natasha's cheeks flushed with color, knowing his friend would surely tell Steve what she'd said. Would it really be so bad? He already knew how she felt about him, anyway.

"Привет." _[Hi.]_

She turned around on her heels as she heard the man himself - _Steve_ \- come up behind her and say the one Russian word she'd taught him. She bit her lip and laughed as she looked up at him, wondering how someone could be adorable and sexy all at the same time.

Steve noticed Bucky smirk from the corner of his eye, and he quirked his eyebrows at his friend. "I'll tell you later." Bucky mouthed.

Steve turned back to Natasha, his fingertips twitching with the urge to draw her close. She had stolen the breath from his lungs the moment he noticed her from across the ballroom. There was never a time she wasn't the most stunning woman in the world, never a time when he didn't want to kiss her and hold her, to tell her how flawless she was. It didn't matter if she was relaxing on the couch wearing his sweatshirt or dolled up in a dress. She was brilliant in more ways than one, and he felt like the luckiest man in the world to be able to even talk to her. "I just gotta' say, you look beautiful, 'Tasha." He choked out. He suddenly felt like the sickly, asthmatic teenager who had no idea how to talk to girls.

She had a way of doing that to him.

"Thanks, Rogers. Are you going to spin me around the dance floor?" She asked, her emerald eyes sparkling in the light.

"If you're not too sore." He smiled cheekily.

He held out his hand to her, and she took it without hesitation as she led him onto the dance floor. He slowly drew her into his arms as the song ended and another began. There was a cheer from the crowd as the singer stepped upon the stage, but he didn't care enough to see who it was because Natasha was in his arms and that's all that mattered. He held one of her hands, his arm around her waist, and she rested her other hand on his arm as she laid her head on his chest. His heart thrummed like the very first time he'd met her, and he felt _home_. No matter where he was - where they were - in her arms, he was complete in ways he had never been before.

_'I found a love for me. Oh darling, just dive right in and follow my lead. Well, I found a girl, beautiful and sweet. Oh, I never knew you were the someone waiting for me.'_

The song spoke to him as he listened to the lyrics. He couldn't help but press a kiss to her forehead, and she gently squeezed his hand.

_''Cause we were just kids when we fell in love, not knowing what it was. I will not give you up this time, but darling, just kiss me slow, your heart is all I own and in your eyes, you're holding mine.'_

He could hear her singing softly, and he wondered if he was dreaming because he surely didn't deserve a moment as perfect as this.

_'Baby, I'm dancing in the dark with you between my arms. Barefoot on the grass, listening to our favourite song. When you said you looked a mess, I whispered underneath my breath but you heard it, darling, you look perfect tonight.'_

The world seemed to fade around him as he glanced down at her, and she lifted her head from his chest to look into his eyes.

_'Well I found a woman, stronger than anyone I know. She shares my dreams, I hope that someday I'll share her home. I found a love, to carry more than just my secrets, to carry love, to carry children of our own.'_

As much as he longed to kiss her then and there, right in the middle of a crowded gala, he remembered that they were just friends.

_'We are still kids, but we're so in love, fighting against all odds. I know we'll be alright this time. Darling, just hold my hand. Be my girl, I'll be your man. I see my future in your eyes.'_

She laid her head back down on his chest, and he tightened his arm around her. He saw the future in her eyes, one where she was his girl and he was her man.

_'Baby, I'm dancing in the dark, with you between my arms. Barefoot on the grass, listening to our favorite song. When I saw you in that dress, looking so beautiful. I don't deserve this, darling, you look perfect tonight.'_

She always looked perfect...

_'Baby, I'm dancing in the dark with you between my arms. Barefoot on the grass, listening to our favorite song. I have faith in what I see. Now I know I have met an angel in person, and she looks perfect. I don't deserve this. You look perfect tonight.'_

He sung the last chorus to her while rubbing mindless circles on the back of her hand. She deserved to hear that she was perfect, an angel he didn't deserve but one he didn't think he could live without. He heard her sharp inhale, and she looked up at him again with something reflecting in her eyes that he couldn't quite put his finger on. She let go of his hand to cradle his face, and he thought that she was going to kiss him. He wouldn't have pulled back; heaven knows he had been dying to kiss her again, but he had to have her consent.

However, he would always be left wondering if she had actually been leaning in to kiss him because someone placed their hand on her shoulder to get their attention. He felt Natasha tense, the smile dropping from her face, and Steve protectively tugged her closer to him, only to realize who had came up behind her.

Bruce Banner.

She stepped away from Steve, squeezing his hand assuredly as she let him go and smiled at Bruce. It felt as though she had ripped his heart out of his chest as he watched her take Bruce's hand when he reached out to her. Another song began, and he stepped out of the way as they began to dance. He tore his eyes away from them, wanting to sink into the floor because his heart was bleeding, and he wished that he had fought a hell of a lot harder for her.   
  


* * *

✉️ _NR: I'm training if you're bored  
_

_✉️ SR: It's almost midnight. Why are you still up?_

_✉️ NR: Can't sleep. Just figured I'd offer_

Steve frowned as he read her text. She had never been so short with him, and he figured something had to of happened that put her in such a sullen mood. He didn't know what it could've been, but he read between the lines; she wanted company. Or a punching dummy. Nonetheless, he would be whatever she wanted - _or needed_ \- him to be.

He rolled out of bed, tugging on sweatpants over his boxers and a tee-shirt before he grabbed his jacket and headed out the door. The roads were empty as he rode his motorcycle to the S.H.I.E.L.D. training headquarters a few blocks away from the Stark Tower. Tony had been kind enough to book many of them hotel rooms so they wouldn't have to drive back to D.C. that night, but he didn't know where Natasha was staying or he would've picked her up. He parked his motorcycle and headed into the building, making his way through the training facility. He found Natasha on the lower level already beating fifty shades of red into a punching dummy. She was dripping with sweat, her hair pinned back and her bare feet bruised from never ending kicks. She had to of been working out for at least two hours; he had never seen her so... _exhausted_. She had left the gala soon after her dance ended with Bruce, and Steve wondered what had happened after that.

She'd known he was there the moment he stepped into the doorway, but she didn't turn around to look at him.

"Why don't we get coffee or something?" He suggested as she lowered her fists. Something was bothering her, and maybe he could draw it out from her over a steaming mug of her favorite chocolate mocha.

She shook her head and turned to face him. He noticed that her hands weren't wrapped, her knuckles bruised and bloody from punching the bag. His heart twisted painfully; he hated to see her like this. "Let's go." She said firmly, sliding between the ropes of the ring.

He sighed, throwing down his bag and walking to the sparring ring because it wasn't worth arguing with her. He wondered if she had a bad dream; if the demons in her mind were trying to drag her down to the dark depths with them. He just wished that she would talk to him, that maybe... just maybe... he could help her. He slid between the ropes of the ring, lazily raising his arms and spreading his feet for their spar.

She had never come at him so hard. 

He found himself merely blocking her punches and kicks, unable to get in a hit of his own as he stumbled backwards until the back of his knees hit the ropes surrounding the ring. Even though he was Captain America, Natasha Romanoff sure knew how to kick his ass. She stepped away from him, allowing him to regain his balance, but he saw her eyes flash with anger, and she turned around abruptly.

_What the hell was going on with her?_

He raked his fingers through his hair, wishing he could understand what was going through that pretty mind of hers. "You can talk to me, you know. We're partners, and I thought we were friends." He sighed.

"You _thought_ we were friends?" She hissed, turning around to glare at him.

Well, that had certainly been the wrong thing to say.

He tried to think of something else to say, his heart pounding in his chest as she stared at him. "I'm sorry. I just don't understand what's going on."

"It's not your fault, Steve." She sighed, backing down from an argument that had been simmering between them. "I don't mean to take it out on you."

Then to his utter surprise, her face crumbled, and she began to cry. She covered her face, turning away from him, and he quickly came up behind her, drawing her to his chest. She turned in his arms, still covering her face with her hands as she pressed herself against him. "I'm sorry." She sobbed, and he soothingly ran his hands up and down her back.

"Don't apologize, love. I'm here for you; I'm not going anywhere." He told her imploringly. He tried to think back on what had upset her, but there was only one person that came to mind. "Who hurt you?" He growled, anger suddenly consuming him in it's entirety. "Was it Bruce? I swear to God, I'll kill him."

It didn't matter if he was the Hulk or not. Steve wouldn't let him get away with hurting Natasha.

She shook her head, sniffling quietly. "It's just bad memories. I don't know why they came up tonight, but they did... probably because I danced with Bruce when all I wanted to do was kiss you." She laughed through a sob.

_So she had been leaning in to kiss him..._

He sat down on the floor, pulling her down with him and into his lap. He drew her hands away from her face and cradled her jaw to press his forehead against hers. They closed their eyes, and he longed to take the pain away from her, even if it was just for a moment so she could feel free. He didn't know how long they stayed like that, but he didn't care because he would've stayed with her all night if she had wanted him to.

Eventually to his utter relief, her tears began to cease, and she pulled back to look at him with glassy, emerald eyes.

"This is better than fighting." He murmured. She looked more like herself despite her flushed cheeks and soft sniffles.

"Yeah, it is." She laughed, wiping her eyes. “Wanna’ get coffee?” She asked.

He couldn't help but smile as he heard his favorite sound in the world. “With you? Always.”


	12. lay back & let go

_**"stay here 'til sunrise. i wanna know you like it's the last time i'll ever hold you. girl every detail, leave it up to me, lay back and let go. you don't even have to say anything."** _

_\- to a t; ryan hurd_

* * *

  
"Shield? Earpiece? Helmet?" Natasha asked, biting back a laugh.

She was watching Steve fumble around his hotel room, searching for the things he needed for their upcoming mission. Usually it was her who was rolling out of bed at the last minute, and Steve was urging her to hurry up. Their roles were reversed this time, and she was trying not to laugh at him because they were already running late - _very late._ Bruce, Sam, and Maria were already on their way to their assigned base at the old, German military fort, and it was their biggest operation yet... hunting down Madame B.. Natasha was trying not to overthink it; she had a team of superheroes on her side, and her sadistic handler couldn't touch her anymore. They knew that she wasn't in Germany anyway; their mission was to simply arrest the men who had subsidized money towards the new Red Room Madame B. was trying to build.

 _'Get in and get out,'_ as Fury had said. 

"Can you check my bag for my earpiece? I can't find it." Steve asked, peeking his head out from the bathroom as he was pulling on his uniform. His blonde hair was sticking out in every which way, ruffled and tousled, and his red, white, and blue ensemble was wrinkled and crooked. Natasha couldn't hold back her laugh this time as she leaned down and unzipped his bag.

"I hear you!" He called teasingly. "You told me to hurry!"

She smiled to herself, digging through his bag and trying to find the expensive, little earpiece he should've put back in the Quinjet where it belonged. She frowned as her hand closed around something soft, and she pulled out a small, velvet box. The saying went that the curiosity killed the cat, but it may have killed the spider as well because she couldn't stop herself from opening the box, even though she knew she wouldn't find the earpiece in it.

However, she definitely wasn't expecting to find a piece of jewelry.

It was a small, silver bar necklace with the words, 'I wasn't made to fall in line.' There were three colored diamonds in the right hand corner... _red, white, and blue._

"Shit... you weren't supposed to find that." Steve said with wide eyes as he came from the bathroom and saw Natasha holding the necklace that he had been mustering the courage to give her. He stomach twisted with nerves, and he felt as though his world had been yanked out from underneath him because this had never been the plan.

She stood to her feet, clutching the box in her hand. She turned to look at him, her eyes meeting his, and he could've swore his heart stopped beating in his chest. "Is this for me?" She asked slowly.

He nodded. "I wanted to give it to you at the perfect time, but I guess now is a good time too." He choked out. A thousand questions whirled through his mind in that moment but there was only one that really mattered. _Did she like it?_ "I was up all night yesterday talking to Yelena and Maria about what I should get you." He said, explaining why he had awoken so late that morning.

"Why'd you get it for me?" She asked. Her emerald eyes were glassy, and his stomach fluttered with nerves. He couldn't read her facial expression, and he suddenly wished that he could read her mind.

"Because sometimes I think you need reminded that you are the strongest woman to ever walk this planet, and America owes you so much because you're the symbol of strength we all needed." He said easily. "You deserve everything - the world - which I can't give you but that doesn't mean I'm going to stop trying."

In the blink of an eye, she was rushing up to him and wrapping her arms around his neck. "I love it!" She gasped. She nearly knocked the breath out of him, and he laughed as he wound his arms around her, pressing his face into the crook of her neck. He relished in the smell of her lavender lotion and closed his eyes, longing to lock the hotel suite and forget about the world because Natasha was all that mattered. However because she mattered so much to him, he knew he had to suit up and help her bring down Madame B..

She pulled away from him and carefully took the necklace out of the box before handing it to him. She turned around and held her hair to the side as he put it on her, brushing a soft kiss on the back of her neck. He heard her sharp inhale, the way her eyelashes fluttered as she tilted her head back against his shoulder. "We should really get going. I think I have an extra earpiece in my bag." She breathed.

He nodded slowly.

She was right. No matter how much he wanted to kiss her, he didn't want to hear an earful from Fury next week because they had been late, and Maria, Sam, and Bruce had been forced to wait for them.

If he kissed her, they might not even make it out of the hotel room.

She stepped away from him, and he let her go no matter how much he longed to pull her back to him. She glanced at him from over her shoulder, smiling _that_ smile that stole the breath from his lungs. He returned her smile, following her out the door and trying not to trip over his own feet as he admired her.

She looked good from the front _and_ the back.

* * *

  
Bullets whizzed past Natasha's ears as Maria retaliated with her own fire from where they hid behind a wooden desk that wasn't going to protect them for much longer. Natasha was desperately trying to reach Steve, Sam, or Bruce for backup, but their communication system was down because the mission had gone haywire all in the blink of an eye. It was supposed to be an easy mission, but they were S.H.I.E.L.D. agents, and agents never had it easy. The building they were infiltrating had been armed with dozens of security systems and when Bruce had accidentally tripped one, guards had stormed the building in a fury. Maria and Natasha had been cornered in an old, dusty office, and they didn't know where the rest of their team was. The sun was setting outside, the seemingly abandoned building in the forest darkening by the minute as shadows crept across the creaky floorboards.

"We are so fucked!" Maria groaned over the ringing of the gunshots. She reloaded her gun, but a piece of wood splintered off the desk and knocked the gun out of her hand, sending it skidding across the floor.

Natasha swiftly threw aside her phone and peeked over the desk as she drew out her own gun and began firing. They were significantly outnumbered, and she was trying to look for something - _anything_ \- they could use to even their odds. However, everything in the room was old and rotten that surely wouldn't hold up in a fight. She ducked down after she fired a few bullets, her heart racing and panic slivering up her spine. She had stared death in the eye many times, but this time might be the last because she didn't know how her and Maria would get out of this one.

"'Tasha!"

She heard Steve yell her name through their earpieces as the connection came through and just as relief flooded through her, she was startled as his shield was thrown through the window. The glass shattered and flew everywhere, raining down upon her and Maria, but she hardly felt it as she rolled out into the open. One of the guards landed a lucky shot, a bullet grazing her right shoulder, but she ignored the pain that twisted down her arm and grabbed Steve's shield. She held it out in front of her and Maria ran to her side, shooting at the guards from over the shield. Bullets ricocheted off the vibranium as Natasha held it the way Steve had told her to during training. She felt potently powerful as the guards dropped one by one as Maria's bullets hit their mark. They made it through the doorway, the gunfire finally ceasing as the last guard was shot and collapsed on the floor.

Natasha still didn't let her guard down, but she was finally able to catch her breath and became cognizant of the blood trickling down her arm. "Are you okay?" Maria asked, glancing at her. Her eyes were wide with adrenaline and she was panting harder than Natasha. Maria hardly went on missions with them; she was typically the brains behind the entire operation, but in no way was Maria out of practice.

"Yeah I'm fine. We just need to get out of here and figure out what's going on." She sighed, plucking at the strands of her uniform that had been torn.

They slowly crept along the hallways, listening closely for any movement as they made their way to the lower level.

"Rogers... Wilson... Banner... where are you?" Natasha hissed under her breath into her earpiece. Her and Maria were almost to the door, but they didn't want to stumble outside into a battle with the few bullets they had left. She could fight with Steve's shield but not like Captain America himself.

Suddenly, the door was yanked open, but Maria recognized the flash of red instantly and put her hand on Natasha's shoulder as she raised her gun.

"Having fun?" Sam Wilson asked with a smirk as he stepped into the doorway.

"What's your definition of fun?" Maria huffed, reaching for Sam's hand as she stepped out from Steve's shield that Natasha lowered.

She smiled as Sam slung his arm over Maria's shoulder and pressed a loving kiss to her forehead. They were finally 'official' as Wanda had said, and Natasha couldn't be happier for them. Although in that moment, all she wanted to do was get the _hell_ out of there.

"My definition of fun? Us... an empty hotel room... you..." Sam murmured to Maria for her ears only.

However, Natasha heard him, and she looked over her shoulder to glare at him. He chuckled, and both her and Maria rolled their eyes.

They stepped outside and as the adrenaline dissipated through Natasha's veins, she became aware of the pain in her shoulder. It was only a graze, but she was still going to be sore.

"Rogers wants us to go back to base and regroup. He was on the phone with Fury and isn't too happy about what he found in the building." Sam said, leading Natasha and Maria to the side of the building where Steve and Bruce were talking quietly.

Natasha had a thousand questions - like why no one had come to their aid - but when she looked closely at Steve, she forgot everything and could only focus on him. His back was to her, but his shoulders were slouched, and there was something about him that she perceived, something that made her heart twist because it was evident that he was in pain. "What's wrong?" She asked hurriedly as she dropped his shield and jogged up to him. "Are you hurt?"

He quickly turned around to look at her as if he just realized she was there. To her utter surprise, he tugged her into his arms and ran his hands up and down her back. "What happened? Your shoulder..." He said, pulling back to examine the bullet wound before he kissed her forehead.

She frowned, looking away from Steve to glance at Sam as she silently asked why he was acting so... _desperate_. Sam merely shrugged in response and she sighed, cupping Steve's face in her hands. "I'm fine. We're fine. Let's go back to base where you can get your shit together." She told him imploringly. A thousand questions were still whirling around in her mind but this time, they were about Steve and what the hell had happened while her and Maria had been fighting the guards.

_What he had found._

During the entire car ride back to their hotel in the small, German city, Steve dotted over her shoulder no matter how much Natasha insisted it was only a graze. She was partly annoyed with him but partly concerned about what had happened and why he was acting so despondent. Her and Maria had booked a room together while Sam, Bruce, and Steve were sharing a suite but as soon as they arrived and checked into their rooms, Steve was pulling her into the bathroom of her and Maria's suite to stitch her shoulder. She let him unzip her uniform and carefully clean the wound as silence settled between them. However, she knew it was only a matter of time until he opened up to her and told her what the hell had happened.

Although, she was the one who broke first.

"Why weren't Maria and I sent backup? You knew we needed help." She said, sounding as angry as she felt. She stood abruptly, knocking the medical kit onto the floor as she turned on her heels to face him. Her emerald eyes burned with fury, and she glared down at him with her hands on her hips.

He met her eyes and guilt struck her breathless because he looked so _broken_. She dropped her hands from her hips, taking a step closer to him. It appeared the weight of the world was on his shoulders, but she would willingly bear some of the burden if it lessened his pain.

"I had sent Bruce in as backup while Sam and I were at the Quinjet trying to fix the connection for the earpieces, but I shouldn't have left... Bruce didn't want to turn into the Hulk, and he didn't go into the building to help you and Maria like I thought." Steve mumbled.

_As if she didn't already have enough reasons to dislike Bruce._

"So, you had thought we had backup..." She said aloud.

Steve nodded quickly. "I should've made sure Bruc-" He began, but she cut him off with the shake of her head.

"It's not your fault." She sighed. She mustered the courage she didn't know she needed and stepped forward to where he sat on the edge of the bathtub. She stood in between his legs, her hands cupping his jaw gently. He turned his head and kissed her wrist causing heat to unfurl through her palm. She closed her eyes, leaning down to press her forehead against his. "Sam mentioned you found something." She murmured, breaking the comfortable silence that had settled between them.

His hands tightened on her hips, and she pulled back to look at him. However, he avoided her gaze, looking at the necklace he'd given her that hung around her neck. Her stomach twisted with anxiety as she wondered what he could've possibly found.

"Videos." He said shortly. 

She frowned, wondering why he was so torn up about videos. "Are you going to tell me what the videos were?" She asked. She ran her fingers through his tousled, blonde hair, and he leaned into her hand.

"You." He finally replied.

"Me?"

He nodded, drawing her closer to him. "Yes. They were Red Room videos." He murmured. He stood to his towering height and stepped behind her, peeling back her uniform.

_Her scars._

It all clicked in her head. The Red Room was notorious for their videos, exploiting women and children for money and fame. "They're just scars. I can't even feel half of them anymore." She said softly. For a moment, she was taken back to the Red Room, the men videoing her punishments and getting off on her pain.

He sighed, pressing a loving kiss to the whip lash scar below the arch of her shoulder. She didn't feel it because of the nerve damage, but she wished that she could. "You should've never had to go through that." He told her imploringly. "You deserve so much better. I swear, I will kill every single one of them. I should've never even thought about fighting on their side, and I'm so sorry."

"Steve, stop." She shook her head, turning around and cradling his face. "My fight is not your fight." She told him, reaching up on her toes and pressing a kiss to his lips. It was fleeting, a mere caress, but it spoke everything that she could not. "My scars are not yours to feel."

"I will fight for you." He said. "For those who you love and those you fight for." He murmured, kissing her lips again. He was firmer, more insistent, imploring her to believe him.

She kissed him back, trying to pour every ounce of emotion into her touch. After a few moments that had her head spinning and heart pounding, she boldly reached behind her and unzipped her uniform, letting it fall to her hips as he unzipped his own ensemble. He turned on the shower and pulled her back to him as she pressed her hands against his chest and slid them down his abs. She had never thought she'd be here in the arms of the man of her dreams and kissing him like the world was ending. She had told herself repeatedly that she couldn't have him, that he wasn't hers to _love_ , but it was all she really wanted to do. It wasn't just about sex, the lust... it was something so much bigger than that, something more than she could ever understand.

His hands caressed her teasingly, his fingertips brushing across her skin and leaving a trail of goosebumps that sent chills up her spine. He reached behind her and touched the clasps of her bra, pulling back to look her in the eye. "May I?" He asked. His azure orbs stared into her own, his pupils dilated and his breathing heavier than hers. 

She nodded and as he slid her bra off, she tugged his boxers down his hips. She didn't reach for his length as much as she longed to pleasure him. She knew it wasn't about sex; this was about taking care of one another. She took her panties off, and they stepped into the shower together. He stepped behind her, and she shuttered as he kissed her shoulders. She felt the ghost of his touch across the scars on her back and for a moment, she felt ashamed. He was untainted, untouched by ugly marks that would stay with her forever. However, she knew that even though she couldn't see his scars, he had them, and they ran deep. "I've said this before but everything you are, I love." He told her as he kissed every one of her scars. In some places, she felt his touch and caresses. In others, she had to imagine it. Her eyes were closed as the warm water ran down them, and Steve eventually turned her around, leaning down on his knees and kissing the scars on her stomach.

She combed her fingers through his hair, leaning back against the wall as she drew him up to her and kissed him again. "You mean everything to me. I adore you." She whispered against his lips.

"I adore you even more." He smiled. He pulled back and kissed her nose, making her laugh. He reached for the soap and began to wash her body as she did the same to him. It was the most intimate moment of her life, more intimate than lying down with a man and pleasuring him. It was something so simple but something she would remember forever because Steve wanted to take care of her. He didn't just want her body, but he loved her for who she was, even the marks she thought of as ugly and because of that, she wasn't afraid to love him back.   
  


* * *

  
Later that night, Natasha lay awake as Steve slept beside her, his arms around her hips and his breathing soft against the back of her neck. She was entirely content, feeling safe despite the chaos of the day and the looming threat of Madame B.. It was only nine o'clock but the moment Steve had carried her to the bed and tucked himself around her, he'd fallen asleep while she texted Maria staying in the suite next to them. She felt guilty that her and Steve had thrown off their rooming arrangements however, she wasn't quite ready to let him go. 

_✉️ MH: Sam and I were hoping to have sex tonight. We may just book another room and pay for it on our own so you and Steve can have that one. Bruce can have his own_

_✉️ NR: Were you planning to have sex while I was sleeping?!_

_✉️ MH: We were going to be quiet!!! 👀_

_✉️ NR: OMG I hate you lol. I can wake Steve up in a bit and we can switch rooms so you don't have to get your own as long as you and Sam don't have sex in the bed beside me 🙄_

_✉️ MH: Honestly Sam and I want to get our own room. Don't worry about it and enjoy your night with Steve. He was a mess about everything earlier_

_✉️ NR: Thank you Maria. Goodnight_

_✉️ MH: Night Nat_

She smiled to herself and set her phone down on the nightstand. As she shifted, he groaned and tightened his arm around her. She hushed him softly and reassuringly squeezed his hand that lay below her breasts. Just as her eyes began to flutter sleepily, the door adjoining the team’s suites opened, and she had to resist the urge to snap at whoever had come in.

Of course, it had to be Bruce.

"Hey, I have the reports from today." He said, his eyes wide with surprise as he looked at them in bed together.

"You can just put them on the table." She said softly, hoping to not wake up Steve. "Goodnight, Bruce."

She didn't want for his response as she turned over in Steve's arm to face him. When she heard Bruce leave and the door click shut, she kissed his lips before she laid her head down by his chest and fell into a deep sleep, dreaming of a time when Steve could be hers to love. 


	13. all that you got

_**"don't need no hold up, taking control of this kind of moment. i'm locked and loaded, completely focused, my mind is open. all that you got, skin to skin, oh my god. don't ya stop, boy. somethin' 'bout you makes me feel like a dangerous woman."** _

  
_\- dangerous woman; ariana grande_

* * *

  
The waves crashed along the coastline, the soothing sound of the ocean almost lulling Natasha back to sleep. She lay awake in the morning sunlight in Steve's strong arms, her heart thrumming as he twirled her hair around his finger, his broad chest rising and falling steadily against her back. The sun was just rising over the horizon, but they'd been awoken by laughter as some of their teammates were already heading to the beach because they were on _vacation_. She had never thought she'd get a vacation, of all things, under her contract with S.H.I.E.L.D., however, Tony Stark had offered the team an all-expenses-paid trip to his beach house in Florida, and it was an offer she couldn't refuse. Steve was supposed to be on a mission with Bucky and Sam. She hadn't seen him since they'd left Germany three weeks ago, however, she'd awoken in the middle of the night to him sliding into bed with her and pressing a kiss to the shell of her ear before they fell asleep in a tangle of limbs.

She'd never show it, but she was ecstatic that Steve, Bucky, and Sam were able to join them in Florida. Heaven knows they needed a vacation, and she would be lying if she said that she wasn't excited to be back in Steve's arms _where she belonged._

"How'd the mission go?" She asked. It was the first thing she'd said to him, but she figured that she might as well say something - _anything_ \- because, although, the silence wasn't awkward, there was tension between them, and she _hated_ it. They were somewhere in limbo, neither dating nor friends nor enemies. She knew that they needed to take a step back from one another, but he had to be the first one to do it because she didn't think she would be able to when all she wanted was him. She longed to wake up in his arms and start the day with a kiss, to end the night with him smiling at her and pulling her closer every time she shifted away.

"Do you really want to hear about the mission?" He asked, his fingers stilling in her hair.

"Honestly... no. I was just being polite." She shrugged. "Unless you want to talk about it."

He chuckled, but his laughter died down as she turned around to face him. There was something in her emerald eyes that struck him to his core, that took him back to their time in Germany when he'd stripped her bare and kissed her scars. He'd never felt so much _love_ for someone before, for every mark on her skin, every smile she smiled, and every word she spoke. On the jet to Florida, Bucky had mentioned that Natasha only had four months left in America and for a while, it was all Steve could think about because how was he supposed to say goodbye to her? He knew that he needed to tell her how he felt, that he couldn't let her go without pouring his heart out to her, but how could he even put such strong feelings into words? "I missed you. A lot." He murmured.

 _Lame_ , he thought to himself.

"I'm glad you guys could come." She said quietly.

His gaze unintentionally flickered down to her lips and God, he wanted to kiss her because it was always like breathing for the very first time. It was almost as if she read his mind as they leaned into one another, although, he didn't know who made the first move. It didn't matter because her lips were on his and all he could think about was Natasha. He tangled his fingers in her hair, their lips moving in sync and their tongues caressing one another's. Heat unfurled in his core, and he felt it all the way down to his toes. He was in the palm of her hands, wrapped tightly around her finger and when she pushed him onto his back, he moved easily and laid below her as she straddled his hips. He slid his hands up her back, feeling her toned muscles flex under her tee-shirt and her soft, warm skin that he longed to kiss. "You are stunning." He whispered against her lips.

He felt her smirk, the little smirk he loved, and he tilted his head back as she sponged kisses down the column of his neck. He was trying to hold still underneath her because his cock was hardening by the second, and he didn't want to pressure her into something she wasn't absolutely certain about. However, she was relaxed above him and tugging at the hem of his shirt for him to take it off, and he was more than willing to give her everything; _all of him._

Her hands sought out his bare skin, running her fingertips across his chest and down his abdomen. "I want you." She whispered, nipping at his earlobe. His length ached and twitched, his hands tightening on her hips. "I want more than just sex but right now, I think I need you. Is that okay?" She asked.

A woman had never asked for his consent. Granted, he could've overpowered them and pushed them away if he was uncomfortable with the turn of events, but there was something about Natasha seeking his consent that told him everything he needed to know. "I'm certain I need you." He told her, sounding as desperate as he felt.

She pulled back and slid down his body, gliding across his unbearably hard length. He squeezed his eyes shut, one hand gripping the sheets as the other rested on her shoulder. He felt her position herself between his legs, and he realized what she was going to do. "Tasha,' you don't have to." He choked out as she tugged his boxers down his hips. His length rested on his abdomen, precum leaking from the tip and pulsing with heat. He did his best to hold still, but his hands were trembling, and it felt like his first time all over again because it was surely a new awakening to be with the woman he loved.

"I want to. It's my turn to touch you." She said. Her hand wrapped around his cock, and he jumped as pleasure struck his nerve endings, twisting down his spine and curling his toes. "My God, I want to do this. You... fuck, Steve. How lucky am I because you are mine?" She hummed before her lips wrapped around his cock, and he swore she sent him straight to heaven. Maybe she was heaven because she was surely an angel with a _wicked_ tongue. "I won't lie and say I haven't fantasized about tasting you just like _this_." She said before she took him into the back of her throat, drawing up slowly as she stroked him with her tongue.

He tried to breathe through the intense pleasure and heat, and he forced his eyes open because he wanted to watch her. Carefully drawing her hair away from her face, he could've came then and there as she peered up at him through her eyelashes. "My God, Natasha." He groaned, his heart racing. She sucked and licked his length, holding his stare until he couldn't keep his eyes open any longer. He combed his fingers through her hair, keeping his hips still and focusing on the feeling of her lips around him, her hands caressing his abs. The ball of heat in his core tightened with every touch of her tongue, and he was embarrassingly close. _So close_. "I'm going to cum, love." He gasped, trying to pull away from her because he didn't want to force her to take him down her throat. However, she dug her fingernails into his hips and held him there under her spell, bobbing her head, sucking and working her mouth around him until he arched off the bed, her name on his lips like a prayer as he orgasmed and she swallowed all that he gave her.

It took him a while to stop trembling, gasping for his breath as she kissed up his body and laid her head on his chest, listening to his pounding heart. There was a bang on the wall, but he hardly registered it as their irritated teammates in the room next to them.

"You are incredible." He said after finally coming back down to earth.

"Only for you." She giggled, sounding cocky and entirely pleased with herself.

He'd be damned if he wasn't going to rock her world like she'd rocked his.

Gently guiding her off him, he rolled off the side of the bed onto his legs that were still shaking and shoved off his boxers. She smiled at him as she sat up and turned to face him, tugging her shirt over her head and throwing it somewhere behind him. She wasn't wearing a bra, and he was already getting hard again just by looking at her. "You okay?" He asked, even though her body language said that she was. _He had to be sure._ She nodded eagerly, leaning back and sliding off her shorts. She wasn't wearing panties either and a strand of his control snapped. Grasping her legs, he tugged her towards him at the end of the bed. As he did so, he leaned down and draped her legs over his shoulders. She was right where he wanted him, and he had to lean back to admire her glistening pussy. "So, so beautiful." He hummed, bowing his head and kissing her folds with an open mouth. She was already wet and tasted like heaven; he'd never be able to get enough of her.

She laid on her back, one hand in his hair and the other over her head as she stared at the ceiling, trying not to make a sound because they weren't in an empty house and those in the next room over had already heard her giving Steve a blowjob.

He was slow at first, licking her gently until he became more insistent, sucking and nibbling at her clit. Her hips jerked from the pleasure, and he wrapped his arms around her, pinning her down as he wrapped his lips around her clit, sucking and licking at the same time. She gasped, twisting and arching in his arms, her legs tightening over her shoulders. _Right there_ , he thought to himself. He listened to her faint moans, the way she began to pant and grip at his hair as she tried to anchor herself to the earth. However, he wanted her to let go. He wanted her to cum and cum again until her legs went numb because she deserved to feel nothing less than beautiful and powerful. Wrapping one arm around her hips, he brought his other down and thrust two fingers inside her, pumping them slowly.

"Ой ебать!" _[Oh, fuck!]_ She cried loudly, and he smirked as he licked at her clit, her pussy tightening around his fingers.

_That's what he wanted to hear._

He was so focused on her that he forgot they had neighbors in the next room over.

He leaned up on his feet, pumping his fingers more vigorously as he sucked her clit. She was so hot and tight, her pussy fluttering around his fingers as she moaned with every flick of his tongue against her. He knew she was close to her orgasm, her cries growing louder and louder, her pussy tightening and tightening. He pulled his fingers from her and thrust his tongue inside her, moaning at the taste of her sweet silk.

"Steve, _oh, oh,_ Steve!" She cried, and he grasped her legs, keeping her legs over his shoulders as she trembled and shook. "О Боже... Steve!" _[Oh, God...]_ She nearly screamed as she orgasmed, and he moved his head with the roll of her hips, flicking his tongue against her walls and tasting her cream. He let her legs go as she came down from her high, pulling back to not overstimulate her nerves. He still had to learn her limits, when to pin her down and keep going or when to stop. However, he would have plenty of time for that and now wasn't the time.

He let her legs slide off his shoulders, and she slid closer to him at the end of the bed, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him down to her. However, they were both startled as there was banging on the wall from the room next to him, their neighbors evidently vexed.

"Shit. I kinda' forgot about them." He chuckled as she looked up at him, pursing her lips as she tried not to laugh. He kissed her softly, and she hooked her legs around his hips.

"I need you." She murmured.

"You have me. Forever." He told her, and she reached down to guide his cock to her pussy. His tip slid between her soaking wet folds, and he watched as she closed her eyes, her lips parting as she inhaled sharply.

He paused before he thrust deep inside her, his eyes rolling to the back of his head as he grasped at the bedsheets. "Natasha." He breathed, and she moaned wantonly in response. She was _so_ tight, and he began to pull back as he became concerned that he was hurting her.

"Don't you stop." She gasped. "Take me... I'm yours."

He kissed her lips, slowly drawing his hips back before he thrust inside her again, reaching a spot inside Natasha she didn't know she had. Her eyes rolled to the back of her head, and she kissed him deeply, inhaling sharply through her nose and raising her hips to meet his slow, deep thrusts. She dug her fingernails into his shoulders, urging him harder. He groaned against her lips, his cock moving in and out of her pussy easily from how wet she was. With every thrust, his lower abdomen ground against her sensitive clit causing heat to pool into her stomach and twist down her spine. She longed to cry his name, to show him just how much pleasure he gave her but the neighbors... she had to settle for biting her lip and moaning softly.

"I never thought I'd have you like this." Steve said through gritted teeth, trying to hold back his own moans.

Her eyes were heavy with pleasure as his cock slid through her soaking, wet walls, striking that spot inside her _that_ her trembling underneath him. "Now, you can have me all you want." She gasped, and she meant every word. He groaned in response, grasping her thighs and hitching her legs over his arms. He split her wide open, and she was so sexed up, stuffed full of his thick cock that her mind was spinning wildly. Her toes curled, the heat in her core nearly unbearable because she felt like she was going to burst, only she wanted the moment to last a hell of a lot longer. She loved the feeling of him pressed against her, skin to skin, feeling like a dangerous woman because she felt so beautiful and powerful. It was as if his intention was to make her feel that way.

"Is it inappropriate for me to ask you out right about now?" Steve breathed through a moan, sucking at her pounding pulse. He was sure to leave a mark and soothed the bite with his tongue.

She threw her head back, eagerly exposing her neck to him. "No but have you forgotten I'm already yours?" She teased, sounding breathless. God, she was close. _So close._ Her pussy was fluttering around his cock, and she knew he was close too. She could feel cock pulsing deep inside her, his heart racing in his chest and his skin slick with sweat.

"I'm yours just like you are mine." He moaned. His hips slammed against hers, harder and deeper, until she cried out his name, and he pressed his lips against hers, quieting her voice. Her silk dripped down their thighs, the sound of sex and muffled moans filling the room. Her pussy tightened around his cock, and she slid her legs over his broad shoulder, encouraging him even deeper. Their eyes rolled to the back of their heads as they clung onto one another, moving in sync because they were made for each other.

Then, they were right there.

 _Together_.

Their worlds blended together, his hips stuttering against hers as her walls clamped around him, fluttering and massaging his cock until he came deep inside her. His hot cum soaked her walls, sending her over the crest of her orgasm. She could've screamed with how hard she came, every muscle in her body tensing before she let go entirely. Heat diffused through her, all the way down to her toes, and her legs went numb, shaking over his shoulders. Her mind went blank, centered around the pleasure he had given her as they gave one another everything they had. It was minutes later when they finally returned to earth and centered their gravity. She hadn't even realized that Steve had laid down on the bed with her and drew her into his arms. She nuzzled her head against his chest, listening to his steady heartbeat.

"Hey, boyfriend." She smiled, blinking up at him blearily. She stretched her legs, the feeling finally returning to her toes. 

She'd never known sex could be so intense - _so passionate._ However, deep in her heart, she knew why it'd felt that way.

"Hey, love." He chuckled, kissing her forehead and pulling the blankets over them. 

She tilted her head back to kiss him softly before they fell into an easy sleep, tangled in each other's arms the way it should always be because she was his just like he was hers.

 _It was that simple._   
  


* * *

  
Natasha was still basking in the afterglow of sex, even though her and Steve had dragged themselves out of bed hours ago. She had love bites on her neck from _her_ man, and the scratch marks were beginning to fade on his back. They had slept until noon, and she'd never seen him so relaxed. He was in the water while she sat on the edge of the pool, him standing between her legs as she dangled her feet in the water. His head was in her lap, his arms around her hips as she stroked his hair. She wore a bathing suit underneath a silk cover that protected her sensitive skin from the harsh rays of the sun, and she couldn't even remember if she'd brushed her hair. Although even if she had, she didn't think it would matter because Steve had run his fingers through it so many times. She had pinned it up in a bun and covered it with a hat, sunglasses concealing her eyes that were probably still hazy with pleasure.

"You two are absolutely ridiculous." 

She turned around to look at Wanda as she and their friends came outside onto the deck. They all had knowing smiles, but it was evident that they were happy for her and Steve.

She smiled at them, but Steve didn't bother to lift his head from her lap. She didn't mind because they didn't have to hide how they felt for each other anymore.

"They kept me up all morning." Pietro, Wanda's brother, groaned before he jumped into the pool, purposely splashing her and Steve.

She would admit that they deserved that one.

Steve chuckled, rubbing her legs and kissing her thighs. She shuttered, closing her eyes. She already wanted him, _again and again,_ until all she could feel was him.

She'd gotten a taste, and she was already an addict.

"Hey, I have an idea! Why don't you two just get married so Natasha can get a green card!" Bucky exclaimed, making a few of their teammates chuckled.

Natasha had never even considered marriage because once upon a time, she had thought that love was for children. However, Steve had changed her entirely, and she wondered if love wasn't for children, after all. "Yeah, that'd be nice, but they would still kick me out of the country." She sighed bitterly. America still hated her, and she knew there was no way they would grant her asylum. She drew her legs out from underneath Steve, and he lifted his head from her thighs. "Want anything to drink, милая?" _[Sweetheart]_ She asked.

He shook his head in response, his azure eyes staring up at her with utter adoration reflecting in his captivating orbs. She leaned down and kissed him slowly, unable to help herself because he had her heart in the palm of his hand.

Tony whistled, and she drew back from Steve, rolling her eyes. "You're just jealous because you didn't get laid." She teased. 

Tony feigned hurt, and she smirked as their friends laughed. "I will tonight. Won't I, Pepper?" He smiled at his wife.

"Why wait till tonight?" Pepper giggled, cozying up to her husband as they lay on a tanning chair by the pool.

It was definitely not a kid-friendly vacation.

She couldn't help but smile because everyone was so happy as she wandered into the kitchen for something to drink. Mostly everyone was outside, but Bruce was sitting at the counter finishing up his lunch with Sam and Maria. She smiled warmly at them and poured herself a glass of mimosa that Rhodney had made earlier. Who knew the War Machine was also a fantastic bartender?

She started to make her way back outside, but she heard the distinct sound of footsteps behind her, and she turned to look at Bruce who had followed her into the hallway.

"It's probably too late to ask you out..." Bruce began to say. 

However, she cut him off with the shake of her head. "It is too late." She replied. "I love Steve. I really do." She murmured quietly. It was _terrifying_ to admit to someone, especially because she hadn't told Steve yet, but it was the truth, and she couldn't lie to herself or anyone else for that matter. She loved him, and she never wanted to live without him.

Bruce smiled sadly and turned away from her. However before he walked away, she spoke again. "You'll find someone, you' know. I never thought I would, but here we are."

"Yeah... thank you, Natasha." Bruce smiled earnestly.

She stepped outside onto the deck and when Steve looked at her and smiled, she realized she didn't have to be scared of loving him.

_She only had to be scared of losing him._


	14. a whisper of smoke

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i go back to uni this week :( updates will once again become very, very slow. i also got a new puppy i am training to add to the mix of things. his name is remi... lovely little boy! even if i disappear for a while, i will eventually finish this book even if it's in the summer!

_**"in the blink of an eye, just a whisper of smoke, you could lose everything. the truth is you never know. so i'll kiss you longer, baby. any chance that i get. i'll make the most of the minutes and love with no regrets."** _

_\- like i'm going to lose you; meghan trainor_

* * *

  
"Whose one person you couldn't live without?"

Natasha smiled as Maria asked her a question she wasn't expecting. She glanced away from the long stretch of road ahead to peer at her friend with her eyebrows raised. "Whose a person you couldn't live without?" She countered.

They were just a few minutes away from Sam Wilson's house on the outskirts of Washington D.C. where they were meeting their _boyfriends_ for lunch. Never in a million years did Natasha think that she would be calling Steve her man, that for once the cruel world had given her something - _someone_ \- to hold onto as her own. The few miles between her and Steve felt far too long, even though she'd seen him yesterday. She was really turning into one of _those_ girlfriends she had always judged, yet she couldn't find the will to care. She was dating Steve Rogers, after all; the man of every girl's dreams. Only now, she could wake up from her sexy dream involving a certain man with a shield and turn over in his arms to live out that very sexy dream in person.

"Sam is pretty cool... you are too." Maria smirked. "Now answer my question."

She rolled her eyes. It was a simple yet dangerous question, but one she already knew the answer to. "What do you want me to say?" She mumbled, knowing Maria would understand what she meant. _She couldn't live without Steve._ However in under four months, she would return to Moscow, and she would have to find a way to say goodbye to the man she loved... she also had to muster the courage to actually tell him she loved him but that was another issue in its own entirety.

Maria laughed, shaking her head to herself. "Your relationship doesn't have to end. Steve is Captain America, after all. I'm sure he'd fly to Moscow every weekend just to see you."

"That's not fair to him." She mumbled. She tried not to think about saying goodbye to him and her friends in America because she wanted to have a nice afternoon, so she pressed down on the gas petal in a hurry to get to Sam's house, trying to think of anything but saying goodbye to Steve.

"Oh my God... Nata-..." Maria began to scream.

They were suddenly hit head-on by a driver who abruptly veered left of center.

Their car rolled and rolled, and both women were knocked unconscious from the force of the crash. Eventually, the car came to a stop in an upright position, and Natasha miraculously regained consciousness from the adrenaline coursing through her veins. However, she knew that she wouldn't be able to stay awake for long. The pain was staggering; she could hardly breathe with blood dripping from her nose and her mouth. She couldn't feel her legs, and she couldn't even turn her head to look at Maria to check on her friend. Her tears mixed with the blood on her face, glass painfully pricked her skin, and her left leg was trapped between the car door and the steering wheel. Even through the thick fog in her mind, she knew that she needed to get them help before she fell unconscious again.

"Fri-friday..." She choked out, sputtering on her own blood. Her chest heaved painfully as she tried to drag oxygen into her lungs. It burned and ached, and she felt bile rise into her throat.

"Ms. Romanoff, I have already alerted emergency response units. They are on their way. Captain Rogers and Sam Wilson have been notified and are on their way as well." Friday said, the AI unit trying to sound as reassuring as a robot could.

_Steve._

She tried to hold on for him, trying to flex her fingers and focus on the intense pain that kept her grounded. Mere minutes felt like hours as she tried to breath in and out, imaging Steve's voice telling her to stay calm. However, the world was beginning to fade around her, the darkness consuming her in it's entirety. All she could hear was the ringing in her ears and all she could feel was the afflicting pain coursing through her.

_Was this how it ended?_

After a while, she perceived the profound pressure on her leg lessening, and the car door was suddenly yanked off its hinges.

There was only one person who had strength like that. 

"Natasha, oh love." Steve gasped. He reached for her before pulling his hands back as if he was afraid to touch her. He glanced away from her, looking at Sam for guidance as he tended to Maria who was still unconscious in the passenger seat.

"Hold her head still. Don't let her move around! She may have a neck injury." Sam said firmly. He sounded calm, but Steve knew his friend was panicking just as much as he was. There was so much blood and glass, their car nearly crushed from the force of the impact. When he and Sam pulled up, he had seen the other car lying in the ditch on the side of the road, and a few people had already pulled over to help. However with the way the good samaritans were standing around the car, it appeared the man had already died.

His hands were shaking as he carefully cupped Natasha's face. He watched her eyes try to focus on him, but she couldn't quite meet his gaze. "I got you, baby." He said imploringly, trying not to cry because he couldn't envision the pain she was in. Her chest was heaving unevenly, her breathing shallow and faint. He tried to keep her as still as possible and tried not to think about the blood streaming down her face and his hands. He was afraid for her and Maria, that the women would slip right through their fingers and God would steal them away.

He couldn't lose Natasha, and he knew Sam couldn't lose Maria.

He held Natasha as close as he could, daring God to try and take her away from him. He wanted to talk to her, to tell her how much he loved her and that he couldn't live without her, but he couldn't find the words. All he could do was watch her slowly lose consciousness, brushing away her tears and the blood on her face, his eyes desperate and brimming with tears. "Just hold on a little longer, love. Please don't leave me, okay?" He begged her desperately, finding the words he had been looking for.

The ambulance was close, and he could hear the sirens in the distance.

He watched her eyelashes flutter, her lips moving slowly, but he couldn't understand what she was saying. "I love you, 'Tasha." He told her imploringly, hoping she was conscious enough to hear him. _He just needed her to know._ "I love you so much."

Everything began to move fast, too fast.

Paramedics surrounded the car, and Steve was forced to step back from her as they pushed through him. He heard her soft cry as he let her go. It struck him to his core, his heart twisting painfully as everything inside him told him to go to her. However before he could push through the paramedics who had began to treat her, Sam grasped onto his shoulders tightly. "There is nothing we can do. We need to let them work." He said quietly. Steve finally looked at his friend and noticed the tears steaming down his face. He wanted to ask about Maria, but what was he even supposed to say? Their lifelines, _their women_ , were fighting for their lives, and neither of them could save them. It was out of their hands, and it was the most terrifying moment of his life because there was nothing he could do even as Captain America.

"Let's meet them at the hospital." Sam murmured, and Steve followed him to the car. They glanced over their shoulders repeatedly as Natasha and Maria were loaded into the ambulances. As much as he would have rather stayed by Natasha's side and held her hand through the disarray, he would have just gotten in the way.

They used the few napkins stuffed into the dashboard to wipe the blood from their hands, and Sam drove away from the wreckage as Steve stared out the window as the distance between he and Natasha increased. It was only a few minutes into the car ride that his stomach began to twist with nervousness, and his heart began to race. He tried to sit quietly, to reassure himself that Natasha and Maria were okay, and they would soon be at the hospital. However, he couldn't shake the feeling that something was horribly wrong, and it consumed him in it's entirety.

As soon as Sam parked near the ambulance bay of the hospital, Steve leapt out of the car and began to pace, trying not to throw up what was left in his stomach. He tried to reassure himself repeatedly that he'd be at Natasha's side soon and that she was safe.

However, he should've trusted his gut instinct.

His phone began to ring shrilly, and he swiftly answered the call from Nick Fury.

The director spoke immediately. "Natasha and Maria's ambulances were intercepted on the way to the hospital... the paramedics were killed, and we don't know where Natasha and Maria are. Get to S.H.I.E.L.D. right away." Fury said solemnly.

Steve's heart dropped into the pit of his stomach, and he was consumed with red, hot anger. "Fuck!" He shouted. He slammed his fist into the side of the car, leaving a dent in the metal.

He should've never left her side.

He'd _known_ something was wrong.

_It was his fault._

* * *

  
_"I love you, 'Tasha."_

It was the last thing Natasha remembered before she slipped into unconsciousness.

She awoke slowly, her eyes heavy and her throat parched. It took her a few minutes to gather her bearings, to perceive the hard, unforgiving cement she was lying on, the profound pain shooting through her spine and chest, and the unforgiving handcuffs around her wrists.

Surely, she had to be stricken with a nightmare.

Her and Maria had been in a car accident and Steve had been there in the aftermath. _He'd told her he loved her_ , but she hadn't been able to muster the strength to tell him that she loved him too. She was supposed to be in a hospital, and Steve was supposed at her side, holding her hand because he always made her feel better.

_Because he loved her._

She tried to open her eyes, but the pain shooting down her spine was staggering. Her chest ached, and she wheezed with each inhale she took. With a muffle groaned, she finally forced her eyes open, and it took her a few moments to adjust to the darkness. As she gathered her bearings, she realized that she was in a chamber handcuffed to the back wall.

Was she dead?

Maybe this was hell.

Heaven knows she'd killed enough people to go to hell. She may even be the devil's mistress.

She tried to push herself up onto her knees, but she couldn't feel her left leg. She glanced down and noticed how it lay at an odd angle. She didn't think it was broken, but she knew it was going to make escaping a hell of a lot harder. She hung by her wrists with her arms over her head, pain beginning to consume her in its entirety. Her eyes began to flutter as she started to fall unconscious once again, however, she fought against the darkness as she heard the sounds of chains jingling and the door being unlocked. She bit back a grimace as she pulled her shoulders back, ready to fight her way out and find Maria. The door slowly creaked open, and her eyes locked with the woman who stepped into the chamber.

"No..." She whispered hoarsely. Fear consumed her, drowning out the pain until she was trembling and her heart was pounding.

"С возвращением, Наталья." _[Welcome back, Natalia.]_


	15. the light defeated the dark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so glad i got to push an update out before classes start tomorrow. i didn't want to leave you guys on a long cliffhanger. hopefully i will be able to update soon-ish but know i will never forget this story and will update eventually!

_**"if i could turn back the clock, i'd make sure the light defeated the dark. i'd spend every hour, of every day, keeping you safe."** _

_\- you are the reason; calum scott_   


* * *

_"Ты подвела нас, Наталья." [You failed us, Natalia.] Madame B. said, feigning disappointment._

_Natasha couldn't muster a response as she struggled to draw in desperate breaths, her lungs burning for air._

_Pain twisted down her leg where a man gripped her thigh. He had one hand on her injured leg and the other fisted in her hair, keeping her head pressed against_ _the wall as he endlessly tortured her for betraying the Red Room while Madame B. watched in satisfaction. Natasha wanted to cry, to scream, but she couldn't draw in the breath to do so. Blood dripped from her nose and her leg, pooling around her on the cement and soaking into her shirt and leggings that were torn from being viciously whipped with a leather belt. She silently pleaded for death to come, to steal her away from the pain. She wouldn't win this time, and she couldn't save Maria locked in the other chamber when Natasha couldn't even save herself. She'd lost everything, and she hadn't even told Steve how much she loved him._

 _"Вы действительно думали, что сможете победить нас ... перехитрить нас? Напомню, мы создали вас и можем уничтожим." [You really thought you could defeat us... outsmart us? Let me remind you, we made you, and we will destroy you.]_

* * *

  
It had been almost two weeks since Natasha and Maria had been kidnapped.

The hours had turned into days, the days turning into weeks. Steve could feel desperation setting in, the panic and longing that Sam felt as well. Their entire team had searched endlessly, tracking down every lead and trail, no matter how seemingly insignificant. Every dead end had pushed them closer to the edge grief. They had gathered little intel about the agent from the Red Room that had purposely crashed their car into them, and they knew Madame B. had been the one who intercepted the ambulance, murdered the paramedics, and captured Maria and Natasha. She wasn't working alone, and Steve's team was facing the greatest agent and master manipulator who had just as many contacts as S.H.I.E.L.D. Madame B. had stolen the love of his life away all in the blink of an eye, but he would never stop searching for Natasha. He couldn't lose her, and he knew that he had to save her before it was too late.

He only knew half the horrors the Red Room had inflicted upon her when she was working for them, but he couldn't envisage the torture she was enduring after destroying the reign of the KGB in Moscow. She'd told him she wouldn't survive if Madame B. captured her again but every night when he laid down in her bed, clutching her pillow and urging himself not to cry, he pleaded to God and prayed that wherever she was, she heard him, that she wouldn't stop fighting. He begged her to fight this battle one more time, even though he had failed her because he'd promised she'd never fight alone. Now, both her and Maria were somewhere out there _alone_ , fighting for their lives.

He couldn't remember the last time he'd slept because he'd never really been able to sleep soundly without Natasha in his arms. He spent the nights and days searching for her or locked in his office at S.H.I.E.L.D. trying to find any trace that Madame B. had left.

Just the other day, Sam had been sent a photograph of Maria chained to a wall unconscious, bloody, and bruised. Steve had watched his friend crumble the photograph and sink to his knees, tears streaming down his face because it wasn't _fucking_ fair. The taunting, the abuse... Maria Hill had never done a damn thing wrong in her life, and she didn't deserve any pain inflicted upon her by Madame B. and her tormentors.

That night Steve sat in his office, staring at the sickening photo of Maria and trying to look for any clues that would help him find where they were being kept. He tried to imagine Natasha's voice in his head telling him what to look for, how to examine the photo, but it was no use when his eyes blurred with tears from seeing his friend tortured. He wiped his eyes, sighing heavily and leaning back in his chair. He dragged his fingers through his tousled hair and glanced at his phone on the desk. He looked at his screensaver of he and Natasha that Pepper had taken while they were on vacation. He held been holding Natasha on the beach by the water, her arms around his neck and his arms around her waist as they looked up at one another, just about to lean in to kiss. It was the perfect photo... she was perfect.

 _Why had he waited so long?_

The moment he met her, he should've broken up with Sharon and gotten to know Natasha for who she was, not who he thought she was. He should've kissed her months ago, whispered to her as he worshipped her, convincing her that every one of her scars were beautiful. She deserved _everything_ , and he'd do anything to give that to her. He would let her lead him across the universe, and he'd follow with the dopiest smile on his face because he loved her.

His heart ached, the pain nearly taking his breath away as he began to cry. He cried until he didn't think he had anymore tears left, but he knew they would never stop coming until he was beside her again.

His phone began to ring, and he inhaled sharply to compose himself before he answered the call from Sam. Although, he didn't think it would matter if his friend heard him crying because they'd cried enough to last a lifetime.

"Hello." He mumbled into the speaker, wondering why Sam was even calling because it was already past midnight.

"We got Maria! Come to the hospital!" Sam said into the phone excitedly.

Steve leapt to his feet, swiftly gathering his things and bustling out the door. It was the last thing he expected to hear. "How? Where?" He asked. "Thank God!" He hadn't sent out a search that night and he wondered how Maria had been found, but it didn't matter because she was safe.

"I'll explain when you get here." Sam said, bidding him goodbye before he ended the line.

Steve rushed out to his car parked in the garage and sped to the hospital, hoping he wouldn't get pulled over. If he did, he would surely have to play the Captain America card to get himself out of the ticket and maybe even convince the police officer to escort him. He made it to the hospital in a matter of minutes, weaving in and out of traffic like a mad man and parking illegally that was surely going to get his car towed. He rushed inside the hospital and all eyes turned to look at him. A nurse took pity on him, recognizing him immediately, and ushered him down the hall. He followed quickly, his heart racing and his hands clammy. Sam hadn't sounded panicked and that surely meant Maria was in stable condition.

The nurse led him into a bustling room, doctors and his teammates surrounding a bed. He pushed his way through, feeling somewhat guilty as he nearly knocked over a doctor who was just trying to do his job. The man glared at him, and he smiled sheepishly before he turned his attention to Maria in the hospital bed. His heart clenched painfully as she looked at him, her eyes tired but still sparkling with life. She was bloody, bruised, and battered but in that moment, he tried not to think about what she had endured.

Suddenly, her lips parted, and she inhaled sharply as she stared up at him. "They're... killed her. They told me to tell you... killed Nat." Maria whispered hoarsely.

Steve could've swore his heart stopped beating. Natasha was his everything - everything he lived for and loved.

She couldn't be dead.

"Did you see her, Maria? That's... it's not possible." He shook his head, squeezing Maria's hand gently - _desperately_.

She shook her head, her eyes fluttering closed. "Didn't see her body. Only told she was dead." Maria stuttered. "Said they don't need me anymore."

_There was still hope._

Maria hadn't seen Natasha... she could still be alive.

He would find her... he had to.

"Steve..." Wanda whispered hoarsely, clutching into Bucky as tears streamed down her face.

He already knew what she was going to say. "No. We will not stop searching for Natasha." He said firmly. He squeezed Maria's hand and stepped aside as a doctor moved to Maria's bedside. She evidently needed medical help, and he was just getting in the way. In that moment, Maria only needed Sam by her side.

Steve rubbed his hands over his face and went to stand beside Bucky and Wanda in the corner of the room. Wanda was crying, but Steve couldn't tell if she was ecstatic because Maria was safe or if it was because she thought Natasha had been killed. Maybe it was a mix of both. "How did they find Maria?" He asked, his mind already whirling with the thoughts of finding Natasha. She wasn't dead... he refused to even consider it because Madame B. had lied a hundred times before.

"We didn't. Sam found her at his house. They let her go." Bucky murmured, looking at Steve. His eyes were sad, and he held Wanda close as he led her and Steve out of the room that had gotten to be too crowded.

Steve perceived the look in his friend's eyes, and he quickly shook his head. Why did no one have even a sliver of hope that she was alive? "I _will_ find Natasha. Once Maria is ready, we'll see what she knows. Right now, I'm going to search Sam's house to see if they left anything behind." He said firmly.

"S.H.I.E.L.D. is already there." Wanda said as she wiped her eyes. "I know you love Nat. We all love her, and I can't imagine what you're going through, but you have to be rational. You can't just charge into the fray to find her. They released Maria... there is something very odd about that, and we need to be careful because if Natasha is still alive, there could be a bigger plan to all this."

He sighed heavily because she was right. He sat down in a chair outside the hospital room and buried his face in his hands, urging himself not to cry because crying would do him no good. No matter how much he repeated that in his head, he still felt the familiar burn of tears in his eyes. Wanda placed her hand on his shoulder, and he squeezed his eyes shut, trying not to think about Natasha somewhere out there alone and in pain. He knew he had failed her, but he swore to himself then and there that he'd never fail her again because she deserved a solider who'd lay his life down for her, just like he would do a thousand times.

* * *

  
There wasn't a star in the sky that night as Steve drove somewhere north of Washington D.C.. It was a cold night, snow landing on the windshield as he sped along a dirt road, kicking up rocks and dust. He would do anything for Natasha, even if that meant driving alone to an address that had been sent to him in an anonymous letter. He knew his plan was utterly flawed and probably insane, but the letter had specifically directed him to come alone. Fury had grudgingly agreed to send him in without backup although, there were dozens of armed agents staked out in the nearest town. It had been forty-eight hours since Maria had been found, but she was still too drowsy to talk, as much as she tried to explain to Steve what had happened. It didn't matter because they had a lead, and Steve was going to save Natasha no matter what it took.

He finally reached the address and parked the car in front of an old, rundown house tucked away into the thicket. The porch was rotting away and most of the glass windows were shattered. His senses were heightened as he got out of the car and stuffed his hands into his pockets. A thousand questions whirled through his mind, but one thing was clear. He had to stay level headed because as Wanda had said, 'it could all be apart of a bigger plan.' His stomach twisted with nerves, and his heart was racing as he looked around the front of the house, unsure of what to do. He was out in the open and defenseless without his shield, but he would risk everything for Natasha. A chill went up his spine as the winter wind ghosted over him, and the front door of the house creaked open. He halted in his steps as a woman slowly came down the steps towards him. His eyes swiftly adjusted to the dark, and he immediately recognized who it was. Her hair was pulled back into a tight bun, her aging features sharp and set. He had seen many photos of her, each one sparking anger in his core, but nothing compared to actually seeing the woman in person.

_Madame B.._

It was the sinister person who had tortured Natasha for years, who had murdered hundreds of innocent girls and brainwashed them into cold-blooded killers. The person he swore he'd helped Natasha kill, if he didn't just do it himself. His fists clenched, and he grit his jaw firmly as he took a step towards her.

"You came... alone. Very good." Madame B. said in a thick, Russian accent, holding her hand out in front of her. "I suggest you don't do anything stupid because you'll regret it."

Steve inhaled deeply, focusing on the mission. He had to get Natasha back, and this vile woman was the key to that. He couldn't kill her just yet, and he knew that she wasn't alone. He couldn't get himself killed before finding Natasha because he'd made rash decisions. He stared at her with sharp eyes, waiting for her to speak because he had nothing but foul words to say to her. She began to pace slowly, stoically calm and seemingly pleased with herself.

"I'm relieved we didn't have to kill darling Maria. She was never supposed to be apart of this." She mused.

"What is _this_?" Steve finally spoke. She was playing him, a taunting game that was starting to drive him crazy. She knew what he was here for, the only reason he'd come.

"You see, I've been watching _my_ Natalia from the moment she stepped foot in America. My, my... she's clever, isn't she? Not clever enough, however, because she could never outsmart me who broke her and put her back together the way I wanted. I thought I could save her from all this, to turn her back into a Black Widow, but I was sadly mistaken. She is ruined now and no use to me. So let this serve as a reminder to stay the hell out of my way so I can save the rest of _my_ girls. Remember that Natalia never belonged to you, and she never will." Madame B. declared.

Steve had enough.

He lunged forward, ready to get the answers he wanted no matter what it took. However, he was startled as a gunshot went off inside the house, his senses heightened and his heart racing. He looked away from Madame B. and when he looked back at her, she was gone all in the blink of an eye. He ran into the house, panic setting into his bones as he thought about Natasha possibly being kept in the house. It was pitch black, but he listened closely and heard the sound of scuffling in the basement. He nearly fell down the steps as he rushed downstairs, breaking the wooden stairwell in the process. He ran down the long, dark hallway and into a room that looked oddly familiar.

He could hardly believe his eyes.

_Natasha._

She lay in the middle of the room on her side in a pool of her own blood.

_She couldn't be dead._

Panic slivered up his spine, and he fell to his knees beside her, tears already welling in his eyes. "'Tasha, love." He breathed, taking off his coat and wrapping it around her. She was still dressed in the clothes she'd been wearing the day of the car accident, her skin cold and pale to his touch. His trembling fingers searched for her pulse, and he was overwhelmed with relief as he felt her shallow breathing against his wrist. She had been shot in the leg that already appeared broken, and he knew had to get to her a hospital because she'd already lost a substantial amount of blood. He cradled her into his arms and rushed back outside to the car. He didn't waste any more time, knowing Madame B.'s agents could be lurking in the shadows. He held her in his arms as he drove, trying to focus on the road ahead while contacting Fury.

The S.H.I.E.L.D. director picked up on the first ring.

"I got her! She's alive." Steve said immediately, a sob pushing through his lips as he held her to his chest. He tried not to stare down at her, but it was hard not to when that's all he wanted to do because it felt too good to be true.

_Natasha was alive._

"Meet us at base. Medical is on standby." Fury said quickly.

Steve sped to the rundown motel that they'd chosen as base and as soon as he parked the car beside Fury's SUV, the medical team leapt out and opened his car door. Bruce Banner, dressed in his lab coat, began to carefully take her from his arms, but panic seized Steve in it's entirety.

"No!" He cried, holding onto her because she was his lifeline. He couldn't lose her again... he refused to make the same mistake twice.

Bruce looked at him with kind eyes, laying a hand on his shoulder. "You don't have to leave her. You can hold her hand as we treat her." He said softly.

Steve felt like a child again but as much as he tried to think logically, his heart always inundated any rational thought he had. He loosened his grip on Natasha and let Bruce take her from his arms as he trailed behind them, watching doctors and nurses work quickly as they placed her on a stretcher and rushed her to Fury's SUV. He was ushered into the back of the van, and he grasped Natasha's hand, rubbing soothing circles on her wrist. He watched quietly as Bruce cut off the remaining of her torn clothes to see her wounds, and his heart twinged painfully as he saw the bruises, blood, and whip lashes covering her entire body. _It should've been him._ He would've laid down his life for her, and she should've never had to go through hell alone. He dropped his head, kissing her hand gently and whispering a prayer that she would be okay. She had so much to live for, and her people in Moscow needed her. He needed her. 

As the pulled up to the hospital, more doctors rushed from the bay, and Steve was forced away from the bedside. Fury came to stand beside him as they watched them treat Natasha, following them inside and into a trauma room.

"It feels too good to be true." Steve murmured to Fury while staring ahead. If he looked closely, he could see a flash of Natasha's hair and the twitch of her hand. "Madame B. just let me take her..."

Fury sighed heavily, rubbing a hand over his face. They were all exhausted from searching for Maria and Natasha endlessly. Now, they were faced with the fact that Madame B. was alive and in America. "We'll have guards outside the room around the clock, and I would keep your shield here just to be safe." He instructed.

Steve hummed in agreement and listened closely to Bruce talk amongst the other doctors. "Let's get an X-ray and MRI. She's stable, but I'm worried that she's still unconscious." He said.

Almost two hours passed of numerous medical examinations and doctor's voices echoing throughout the room. Steve's patience had worn thin, his heart aching and the weight on his shoulders heavy as he watched from afar. When he finally was allowed to sit with Natasha, he cradled her hand in his and kissed the 006 tattoo on her wrist. "You are the strongest woman I know. I love and admire you so much." He murmured to her. He closed his eyes, finally relieved as it began to feel real, that he was by her side, and she was safe. He was tired down to his bones and dropped his head down onto the bed beside her arm, falling asleep to the steady beeping of the heart monitor and the feeling of her hand in his.

He awoke a while later to the sudden jerk of Natasha's hand in his. For a brief moment, he thought she was waking up. However, he quickly realized something was wrong. 

_Horribly wrong._

She was shaking and shuddering, gasping and heaving for her breath her skin began to turn cyanotic. He leapt up from his chair beside the bed and ran into the hall, shouting for help as numerous machines began to go off inside Natasha's room. Panic overwrought him as nurses and doctors ran into the room while he stood against the back wall watching with glassy eyes.

_"She's having a seizure!"_

_"Call Dr. Banner!"_

_"Get the AED ready!"_

He tilted his head back against the wall and closed his eyes, praying for the hundredth time that day because Natasha deserved everything... she deserved to live.

It felt like hours but maybe it was when the bustling of the room began to cease and Bruce finally approached Steve who'd refused to leave, despite the nurse's suggestions.

"She had a seizure, so we're going to have to monitor her brain activity very closely. I don't know what they did to her, but it wasn't good. Fortunately, the MRI didn't show any brain damage, but her body is under a lot of stress." Bruce said quietly, sounding exhausted. "She needs rest... a lot of it."

Steve nodded understandingly. "Can I stay in the room, at least?" The last thing he wanted to do was leave but if he needed to, he would wait outside her door no matter how long it took for her body to recover.

"No, there's no need for that." Bruce replied, ushering him to the chair beside the bed. "A nurse will be checking on her every hour just to be safe."

Before Steve sat down on the chair, he leaned over the bed and kissed her forehead. "I love you so much, Natasha Romanoff. Please come back to me." He mumbled, squeezing her hand gently before he finally settled into the chair.

"That's funny." Bruce mused from where he stood in the doorway.

"What?" Steve asked, reluctantly looking away from Natasha to look at his friend.

Bruce smiled. "Her brain activity spikes when she hears your voice."

He looked back at Natasha. "Is that a good thing?" He asked.

Bruce nodded. "Keep talking to her." He said encouragingly before he left the room.

So that's what Steve did.

He told her everything, how he had missed her jokes and her beautiful smile, how he hadn't been able to sleep without her and that he would've traded places with her in a heartbeat. He told her about Maria and meeting Madame B., that he wished he had killed Madame B. then and there but his focus had been on finding Natasha. He told her everything, especially how much he loved her and how much he wished that he had told her a hell of a lot earlier.

A while later, he felt her hand in his, her fingers twitching ever so slightly. He looked up at her quickly, afraid she was going to have another seizure. However, her long eyelashes began to flutter, and he realized that she was waking up. He stood quickly, leaning over her and watching her eyes open slowly.

"Hey, Steve?" She groaned. Her stunning, emerald eyes looked up at him. 

She immediately took Steve’s breath away in the most beautiful way possible, and he had to remember how to breathe. "Yeah, baby?" He asked, chuckling with relief despite the tears streaming down his face. He wiped his eyes and kissing her forehead for the hundredth time.

_"I love you too."_


	16. just to be with you

**_"be a little closer now. just a little closer now. come a little closer. i need you to hold me tonight. i'd climb every mountain and swim every ocean just to be with you."_ **

_\- you are the reason; calum scott_

* * *

In the twenty-first century, Steve had never really felt home. It had just been a word to him, meaningless and disheartening because he'd always felt so out of place. Once upon a time, he'd thought his home was with Peggy Carter, that after the war, he would settle down with her and raise a few kids. Fate had other plans, however, and he couldn't be more grateful that the stars had aligned in the most unexpected of ways. He'd awoken from the ice decades ahead of time, cursed the universe, and tried to live as much of a normal life as Captain America could. Then, a certain red-head had come barreling into his life and changed everything he thought he knew about himself and the world. He'd slowly come to understand that home wasn't always a place. Sometimes it was a person. No matter where he was, Steve knew his home would always be with Natasha. No matter where he was, it was always _her_. The reason he lived and the reason why he'd awoken from the ice. He was never meant to spend a life with Peggy Carter. Peggy was an amazing woman, but she didn't belong to him and he didn't belong to her. He'd always belonged to Natasha, and he full heartedly believed that even before he'd met her, God had a bigger plan for him that involved the red-headed Russian. She was his, and he was hers even after he would take his last breath. 

She was in his lap as they sat on the couch, her legs crossed over his and her arms around his neck as they watched Cooper and Lila play games on the floor. Natasha had been released from the hospital almost two week ago and had strict orders to take it easy. The Barton's had come to visit, and Steve had never asked Natasha to move in with him, but it seemed he didn't have to because it had happened seamlessly. It had started with him taking care of her immediately after she was discharged and the first night she'd spent in her own apartment, Steve had showed up on her doorstep at midnight because he _needed_ to be near her. A part of him was still terrified to step away from her side, and he knew it was borderline unhealthy, but Madame B. was still out there waiting to strike. None of them could let their guard down. Both Natasha and Maria were still healing and vulnerable, mentally and physically. Steve was still struggling to forget the sound of Natasha screaming from one of the first nights, and he'd struggled to wake her from the vivid nightmare. He'd talked to Sam the morning after and found Maria often had nightmares of her own.

However, none of that seemed to matter when Natasha threw her head back and laughed as Cooper said something to her that Steve hadn't been paying enough attention to hear. It didn't matter anyway because all he heard was the beautiful sound that was Natasha's laugh. "I love you so much, 'Tash." He said almost instinctively, and she looked at him with a smile that stole the breath from his lungs. The whole world seemed to fade because it was just that perfect moment between them.

"I love you too, красотка." _[babe_ ] She murmured, cupping his jaw with one hand and kissing him softly.

 _Home_.

She was his whole heart and the reason why he'd survived the ice.

"Do not scar my children for life!" Clint called from the kitchen where he rummaged around for food. Steve had never known a man his size could eat so much.

Natasha rolled her eyes, pulling back from Steve and getting off his lap. As she walked away, she looked at him over her shoulder and smiled at him... _that_ smile that had his cock pulsing and aching at the most inappropriate moment. They had yet to have sex since Natasha had been kidnapped, but it was Steve who was making them wait. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt Natasha or invoke a flashback, but she was making the wait incredibly _hard_ when she was constantly trying to seduce him. He was a patient, patient man, but he knew he wasn't going to be able to resist her for much longer especially as she continued to recover.

Laura reached across the couch and pinched Steve's thigh playfully. He flushed shyly and looked at his friend cradling Nathaniel to her chest. "Can you get me his bottle please?" She asked Steve. "That should be enough of a distraction right?" She teased, and he knew what she was referring to. Of course, she could see right through the poker face he tried to put on when Natasha purposely swayed her hips or 'accidentally' caressed his inner thigh.

He nodded, quickly standing to his feet and ruffling Lila's hair as he walked past her. She laughed and swatted him away as Steve continued his way into the kitchen where Natasha and Clint were looking through the fridge. "We should go shopping tomorrow. I wanted us to make lasagna, but I don't think we have enough sauce." Natasha pouted as she glanced at Steve.

God, she had him hook, line, and sinker. Even a casual conversation about dinner put a warm feeling in his chest because it was so _normal_ , and all he ever wanted was to live a normal life with her where her life wasn't in danger with Madame B. at large.

"Whenever you want, love. I should, at least, do some paperwork for S.H.I.E.L.D. in the morning so I don't get too behind." He replied, coming up behind her to put his hands on her hips.

"Paperwork... eh." Clint smirked. "Can't imagine why you're already behind." He said, reaching out to playfully pinch Natasha's side.

She suddenly cried out in pain, stumbling away from Clint as he accidentally nicked a whip lash that was still healing.

_Steve saw red._

He grasped Clint's neck, shoving him backwards into the cabinets with his eyes flaming and glazed over in anger. However just as quickly as he'd reacted, he realized what he'd done and to whom. "I'm so sorry!" He gasped, jumping away from Clint. His heart was racing, and the anger inside him was swiftly doused with guilt because he knew Clint had never meant to hurt Natasha.

Steve looked at her with wide eyes as she swiftly stood between he and Clint, pressing against Steve's chest as she leaned into him and cupped his face, imploring him to look at her. "I'm okay, Steve. I promise... I'm okay." She whispered, and he leaned his forehead against hers, closing his eyes and inhaling deeply.

_She was okay._

He lifted his head and looked at his friend who was leaning against the counter and rubbing his neck. "I'm so sorry, Clint." He said again. "I just... I heard Nat, and I..." He began, but Clint cut him off.

"I'm not mad, Rogers." Clint mused. "I would've done the same thing if I heard Laura or the kids in pain. You love her, and it's our job to protect those we love." He said before he turned to Natasha. "You okay? I'm really sorry."

"Yeah, I'm fine. I know you didn't mean to." She said, squeezing Steve's hand before she pulled back to continue going through the fridge with Clint.

Steve grabbed Nathaniel's bottle and hurried out of the kitchen. She looked over her shoulder and watched him go. Her heart ached for him because she knew he blamed himself for everything that had happened to her and Maria. None of it was his fault... _he had saved her..._ yet he carried the heavy burden upon his shoulders. He was strong, the strongest man she'd ever known, and she was honored to call _hers_ , but even Steve Rogers could be brought to his knees. She didn't know how to help him either and that was the worst part.

"I've hate seeing him like this." She sighed, stepping away from Clint to lean against the counter. She glanced out into the living room and saw that Steve was gone, but it gave her a few minutes to talk to one of his closest friends before she would join her boyfriend in their bedroom.

Clint hummed in agreement. "He's afraid to lose you." He said, shutting the refrigerator. He opened himself a bottle of beer and turned to look at her. "You mean everything to him and even when everyone was convinced that Madame B. had killed you, he refused to stop looking for you."

She sighed, closing her eyes as she pinched the bridge of her nose. Her heart said one thing, while her brain said another. The answer she desperately needed wasn't clear to her because she knew logically that her and Steve would have to say goodbye eventually. She had never deserved his love nor his loyalty. "I just... I love him so much, Clint." She shook her head to herself. She wasn't selfless like Steve. She was _selfish_ , and she didn't want to let him go.

"But..." Clint smiled sadly. He knew her well.

"But I only have two months left here. How am I supposed to say goodbye?" She asked as if he had all the answers.

He merely shrugged. Of course, he had none of the answers. "Have you talked to him about it?"

She shook her head. It was the last conversation she wanted to have with Steve. "I think we're both in denial." She replied quietly. She longed to pretend that there wasn't a thickness in the room that they couldn't shake, that Madame B.'s appearance hadn't reminded her that she couldn't have forever with Steve no matter how much she wanted it because he was Captain America, and she was a Black Widow. Even if she didn't have to return to Moscow, she couldn't stay in America where she wasn't wanted by the government.

"I think if you really love him, distance won't matter." Clint said casually.

"You're really going to question my love for him?" She snapped, a flare of anger sparking inside her. It wasn't just love... it was something so much deeper than that. It was loyalty, an utter devotion she'd always have for Steve. She knew Clint wasn't actually questioning her love for Steve but it nonetheless sparked a nerve in her because she loved him _that_ much.

"You know what I mean, Nat. You should tell him how you feel. Heaven knows the man will do anything for you." Clint explained. He offered her a swing of his beer, but she shook her head. Her mind was already clouded enough without alcohol coursing through her veins.

"He deserves better, and he's in danger with Madame B. in America." She sighed.

"Steve wants you. I think it's really quite simple, and you might just be making the biggest mistake of your life if you let him go."

Was Clint right?

Would it really be the biggest mistake of her life if she let Steve go?

* * *

  
When Natasha walked into their bedroom, her eyes immediately settled on Steve who sat on the edge of the bed, his broad shoulders slouched as he repeatedly turned over something in his hand. She sighed, coming up to stand behind him as she wrapped her arms around his back and rested her head on his shoulder. She noticed that he had a compass in his hand, the one he carried with him everywhere that had a photo of them tucked into the edges. "Hi." She said softly.

She wasn't even sure what to say to him.

"Hey." He murmured, shifting his head to press his cheek against hers. "Did the Barton's go to their hotel?"

She nodded slowly, sliding one of her legs around his waist to turn and sit in his lap. "Yeah. You up for talking?" She asked, wrapping her arms around his neck as she leaned in to brush her lips against his. For the very first time, he didn't lean in to kiss her back, and her heart twisted painfully.

He shrugged slowly as he closed his eyes. "It's just not fair what you went through. It should've been me."

At least he was willing to share her feelings with her, and she knew that she had to be just as open. "I don't know how to show you that I'm fine, that _you_ saved me. I would've been dead if you hadn't found me." She said, cupping his jaw gently. "I need you now more than ever, and it's killing me to see you like this. When have you ever not wanted to kiss me?"

His eyes snapped open, and he stared into her emerald eyes with his own azure ones shining in the soft glow of the lamp. "I always want to kiss you. I _always_ want you."

She suddenly didn't feel like a Black Widow who was trained in the master art of manipulation and sex. She felt like a woman, one who was questioning her worth that seemed to pale in comparison to the extraordinary man in her arms she quite possibly didn't deserve. "You haven't touched me in almost three weeks. Hell, I've tried to seduce you, and you still don't want anything to do with my body. You need to tell me what I'm doing wrong or what to do differently. I can't read your mind and if I'm not who you want, you need to tell me."

Suddenly, she found herself on her back with Steve over her, staring down at her with passion aflame in his eyes. "You are everything I want... everything I love. I want all of you, but I want you to be sure that you want all of me." He said imploringly.

She was exposed and vulnerable, a position she never had liked to be in before. With Steve, however, she would let him pin her down and pierce her with his stare, to hold her heart in his hands and peer into her soul. She would let him because he let her do the same to him, because they were equal as partners and lovers. "I've wanted all of you the moment I met you. You have to believe me. Whatever we're going through, this tension between us, we have to fight through it because I think our future depends on it. You aren't apart of my past and if you think sex will remind me of the Red Room's tormentors, it won't. You chase all those nightmares and flashbacks away, and I need you to realize that. I don't want you to walk on glass around me. I want you to fuck me hard and then kiss me slow. I want to go back to us because that's how I'm going to forget about what happened." She said, pouring her heart out to him. It was a relief to finally tell him how she felt, that maybe it would offer him some semblance to his own feelings that he was keeping bottled up until now.

"I will always fight for you and don't ever think that I don't want you. I love you so much, and I just feel incredibly guilty that I wasn't able to stop Madame B. from hurting you and Maria. I thought distancing myself would help you recover from everything, but I'm sorry it didn't. I am having a hard time getting the thought of you being in such pain out of my head, but I want to make new memories with you because I know I won't forget those thoughts, but I don't want them to be the first thing I think of. I want the first thing I think of to be your laugh and your smile. I want to think about how beautiful you look in the morning when we make love and how hard I want to fuck you when you walk around in my shirts. I want to kiss your every scar and show you how beautiful you are. I will never make the mistake again of letting you think that you aren't wanted. You are everything, the reason I live." Steve declared.

Clint was right... losing Steve would be the biggest mistake of her life. "I love you, you know that right? I love you so much." Natasha spoke breathlessly. "I promise I'm going to fight the government to stay with you."

"Always, my love. _Always_." He murmured before he leant down and kissed her.

It felt like breathing for the very first time, a long, desperate gasp of air that she had oh, so needed. The stars aligned perfectly, and her world righted itself because her and Steve had righted their relationship, because she knew that she had to fight for him just as he'd fought for her.

She was his world, and he was hers. 

That night, he showed her just how much he loved her, how much he wanted her with every fiber of his being. In return, she showed him just how hard she would fight for him, that she would never again second guess the strength of their relationship because she never had to in the first place. With slow kisses and deep thrusts, soft caresses and sultry moans for no one else's ears but their own, Steve and Natasha showed showed one another that they deserved each other because it was so much more than love.


	17. say goodbye

_**"i know it's a part of life**_ _**but i wasn't ready to say goodbye."** _

_\- drowning; chris young_

* * *

  
It was a stormy night, lightening flashing across the dark sky as rain battered against the windows of the building. It was fitting for that night, a storm raging outside as well as inside the remaining Black Widows. A chill was set deep in Natasha's bones as she stood strong beside Yelena and Karine.

They were the only Black Widows left.

The other three women were murdered by the handler who had groomed them as children, the handler who had been their downfall at the end of it all. Natasha, Yelena, and Karine stared ahead and waited for their prey like the hunters they were devised to be by the woman they were now hunting. For Natasha, killing was easy, something she never even thought twice about. She wasn't scared to kill, to put bullets into someone's chest or between someone's eyes. She wasn't scared to kill Madame B., but she was scared that Madame B. would kill her. She had been her handler, the person who had taught her _everything_. Madame B. knew her moves just as well as Steve did, the way she stepped, how she held her gun, her weakest spots... Madame B. knew it all because she had _made_ Natasha. She just hoped that her new life - _Steve_ \- would give her the strength she so desperately needed to kill Madame B..

The strength all three of the Black Widows needed.

They were somewhere in Germany north of Munich, hidden in the shadows of the new Red Room building that didn't seem so new when it was just like the old one they had burned down in the revolt. Natasha thought it was preposterously _stupid_ for Madame B. to pick the same design as the old one that had caught fire much too easily. She had once admired her handler, but she now knew what true bravery and adoration looked like.

Only he was thousands of miles away in America.

Natasha knew that Steve was proud of her, that he understood why she had to go alone because this was her fight, not his. He had mustered a brave smile, told her how much he loved her over and over again, and let her go because he _loved_ her. She'd only been gone a few days, but she couldn't wait to return to America if she won this final fight against Madame B..

"They should start arriving in an hour or so." Yelena mumbled as she looked down at her watch.

 _An hour._

Both Karine and Natasha sighed, the wait seemingly never ending. The new Red Room recruits would start arriving one by one and then finally, Madame B.. They had to kill them all, and Natasha began to double-check the silencer on her gun as well as the amount of rounds she had. She had more than enough, and she was getting impatient with standing around. Her knees were shaking ever so slightly, but her jaw was set, and she was as ready as she'd ever be with Steve's words ringing in her ears. _"You know what you have to do. Madame B. taught you a lot, but she didn't make you. You are stronger than she could ever be, and you will win this because you will have your team beside you."_

"So you and that American dude..." Karine smirked from where she stood across from Natasha. It was uncanny timing, but she knew that her friend could read her well and perceived the small smile on her face as she thought of Steve.

She laughed softly, shaking her head. "His name is Steve." She teased. Her, Karine, and Yelena hadn't had time to talk because the moment Natasha landed in Germany, they chose to hideout at the building. They couldn't take any risks of Madame B. finding them before they were ready. "But yeah, that American dude and I are together."

"He's actually a nice guy. I wanted to kill him at first, but I think the only time I'll hold a gun to his head is at your wedding when I give him the good ol' sisterly chat." Yelena smirked.

Natasha flushed softly, grateful that it was dark enough that her friend and sister couldn't see her blushing. She had once thought that love was for children but now, she didn't balk at the idea of marriage... _forever with Steve._ Maria had told her if it was meant to be, they would figure out their paths together, no matter the distance between them. "Well I'm glad you didn't kill him." She mused. "I'm going to get in position. You guys be careful." She told them imploringly before she turned and headed up the spiral staircase.

She was planning to sniper as many of the recruits as possible so her, Yelena, and Karine wouldn't waste energy fighting them, and she swiftly found an ideal spot to look down upon the corridor. She fit herself between the wall and edge of the banister, lying on her stomach while braced on her elbows with her gun in front of her. They had so many reasons to fight, to murder those who lit an ember of the KGB that was supposed to burn out. One of Natasha's reasons was to return home to Steve without having to worry about his life being on the line. Even if they murdered Madame B. and Natasha was killed in the battle, she wouldn't have any regrets because Steve would be safe. Before she left, she had told him repeatedly that she loved him, but she couldn't stop herself from pulling out her phone.

_✉️ NR: No matter what happens I love you_

She wasn't expecting a text back because it was in the middle of afternoon in America and Steve was probably training, but her phone buzzed with a notification almost instantly.

_✉️ SR: I love you too Tash_

She smiled to herself and turned off her phone as it began to buzz with another text notification from Steve. As much as she would've enjoyed talking to him, she had to focus.

The time ticked by ever so slowly, and Natasha tried to concentrate on the sounds that echoed through the building. Eventually, Yelena and Karine took their places, and the silence became deafening. The only thing she could hear was her pounding heart as blood rushed to her ears. However, she soon felt a shift in the air, her muscles tightening and her stomach twisting with nerves before the door to the Red Room creaked open and two recruits walked into the corridor. _It was game on._ Natasha narrowed her eyes as she angled her gun just right, tracking the recruits stride for stride. She hooked her finger around the trigger just as they were about to turn the corner and shot one of the women. Just as the other began to realize what had happened, she put a bullet through the back of the woman's neck. As ruthless as she was, she never meant to make them suffer and aimed to kill them instantly. In a way, she felt pity for them because the young women had been brainwashed into thinking they were doing the right thing just as Natasha had once thought. It very well could've been her lying in a pool of her own blood as she gasped her final breath.

However, she didn't have too long to think about the callous situation because more woman began to file into the building. She had to shoot them before they noticed the bodies and blood, but her aim was spot on, and she was as fast as the lightening dancing across the sky. Her, Yelena, and Karine had done their research, and there were nine recruits. She'd shot eight of them and now, it was a waiting game for the ninth and Madame B. to step into the web they had weaved.

She didn't have to wait long as the ninth recruit and Madame B. stepped into the building together. For an unnerving moment, she stared down at the woman who had made her life hell, who had tortured and abused her for years, who had tried to steal her away from Steve and turn her against him. She hated Madame B. with every fiber of her being, and she was eager to see the light leave her eyes. She wouldn't fail this time like she had a year ago. _She couldn't fail._

It was inevitable that they would see the dead bodies in the corridor, but Karine leapt out from where she was hiding and blocked the doorway. Madame B. held up her hand as the recruit leapt forward to fight Karine, and sinister smirk was on Madame B.'s face as if she thought that she had already won. "Наталья ... Елена ... вы можете выйти, дети мои." _[Natalia... Yelena... you can come out, my children.]_ Madame B. said. Neither Natasha nor Yelena moved, their jaw set in determination. Natasha wasn't surprised at how quickly Madame B. figured out what was going on. She had devised plans just like their own because after all, they had learned from her. "Вы потерпели неудачу однажды. Вы потерпите неудачу снова, поэтому выбирайте правильную сторону, потому что вы принадлежите к Красной комнате. Часть вас всегда будет." _[You've failed once. You will fail again, so choose the right side because you belong to the Red Room. A part of you always will.]_

Natasha had enough. She had always been one of the more impatient ones.

She shot the recruit beside Madame B. and leapt down from the banister, landing stealthily on her feet. Yelena stepped out from the shadows as well, and she locked eyes with her sister for a moment before they returned their glares to Madame B..

"Вы трое не зря выжили. Я отпускаю тебя, Наталья, не зря. Вам здесь место ... давайте вместе возьмем на себя эти коррумпированные правительства." _[You three survived for a reason. I let you go, Natalia, for a reason. You belong here... let us take over these corrupt governments together.]_

Yelena scoffed and rolled her eyes. "I never realized just how stupid you were." She said in English. "I'm pretty sure you called me 'thick-headed' one time, but I think that you were talking about yourself." She quirked her blonde eyebrows.

Natasha couldn't help but laugh, and she watched as her sister charged forward, hooking her leg around Madame B.'s shoulders and aiming a blow to the side of her head. Not many things surprised Natasha anymore, however, she was shocked when Madame B. threw her off and kicked Yelena in the side. The woman had aged significantly but evidently, she had not stopped training.

That only made things more interesting.

Natasha lunged forward, flicking a Widow bite at Madame B. who narrowly dodged the bite. She jagged her elbow into her throat, hearing her grunt painfully, and Karine came at Madame B. from the back, kicking her in side. Natasha stepped back as Yelena stepped forward to take her place in the fight and quickly drew out her handgun. As much as she would've enjoyed tormenting Madame B., they didn't have all the time in the world. However even in the fight, Madame B. had managed to pull out her own gun. Karine nearly knocked it out of her hands as she punched her in the temple, but the gun abruptly went off. The sound resonated throughout the building, ringing in Natasha's ears, but she quickly retaliated.

It was as if the world stopped spinning, fate somehow - _someway_ \- giving her a second chance to do what she had once failed to. The single bullet struck Madame B. between the eyes, a kill shot that killed her instantly. Relief flooded through Natasha as the spiteful woman's eyes glazed over and she collapsed to the ground. The room was silent, and only then did Natasha finally perceive Yelena's desperate gasps.

She looked away from Madame B. and noticed her sister on her knees, her hands over her chest as she hyperventilated. _She had been shot._ "Yelena!" Natasha cried, and both her and Karine dropped down beside her. Natasha carefully wrapped her arms around her sister, guiding her onto her back and covering her hands with her own. There was so much blood... too much blood. "You can't leave me. We won, -Ena... we won!" Natasha began to cry. _She couldn't lose her._ Her little sister... the one who had fought beside her for years, the one who had protected her, who had always believed in her. She held one hand over the bullet wound but wrapped her arm around her, cradling Yelena's head to her chest. "Please don't l-leave me." She cried.

Karine had already called for help, but Yelena was slipping through their fingertips. Her eyes were flickering, her breaths slow and shallow now.

"Tell... te-ll Steve I ca-n still kill him ev-even when I'm dead." Yelena murmured. "I'll always have your back, Nat. I-I'm your sis."

Natasha shook her head. Why was she talking like she was going to die? _She couldn't_. "No, no. You have to stay to threaten him. I need you... please fight just a little longer!" She told her sister desperately. The memories were rushing through them, the nights of when they were supposed to be training but snuck out to go sledding instead; the fun parties they went to while on missions where they drank way too much and took turns throwing up in the toilet, the nights they soothed one another after a nightmare, watching the sunset and sunrise everyday in the Red Room... her sister was _the_ reason why she had survived the grueling training. Her sister had given her the strength she'd never had... how was she supposed to live without her?

"It's okay, Natasha. I-I love you, and I promi-promise I will always be with you." Yelena breathed, reaching up and touching Natasha's cheek. She lowered her hand, and her exhale was softer than her others as her emerald eyes glazed over.

Sorrow clawed through Natasha's heart, and she pulled her sister closer, sobbing and repeatedly telling her how much she loved her. She only shifted back as Karine reached forward, and Natasha wiped her cheeks swiftly as she tried to calm her breathing.

"Yelena, you can rest now. You've fought so hard." Karine said through her own tears, kissing Yelena's forehead as she brushed her eyes closed. She began to stand to her feet, grasping Natasha's arms and trying to pull her up.

"I can't leave her!" She cried, refusing to let go of Yelena. She jerked away from Karine, panic slivering up her spine as the pain in her heart stole her breath away.

"We have to, Natasha. We'll come back for her, okay? But we need to go before the police show up."

_God, she was right._

The hardest thing Natasha ever had to do was let go of Yelena. She looked back at Yelena as Karine rushed her out of the building, whispering that they'd return to give her the memorial she deserved. Although, she knew nothing would ever live up to Yelena herself.

Karine helped Natasha into their rental car and sped away from the curb just as blue lights reflected in their mirrors. "I-I need to call Ste-Steve." Natasha said, still gasping for her breath as tears streamed down her face. She fumbled for her phone in her pocket, finally finding Steve's contact through the tears in her eyes. He picked up after the first ring, and Natasha began to sob all over again when she heard his voice.

"Yelena... she's gone." Natasha cried into the phone, unable to hold herself together.

* * *

  
It was almost twenty-four hours later when Maria, Wanda, and Steve finally landed in Germany. As soon as they had stepped off the Quinjet, Natasha had ran into their arms and cried. She'd cried more than she ever had before, and it _hurt_ because no amount of tears would bring Yelena back.

They had planned a small funeral in a town outside Munich, but Yelena deserved so much more. Natasha wanted to scream and cry, to go back in time and murder Madame B. before she ever had the chance to hurt her sister. She would've traded places with her in a heartbeat because Yelena deserved everything the world had been too cruel to give her. Instead of the grand memorial Natasha wanted to give her, she had to settle for a funeral with their close friends in a small, nonetheless peaceful, cemetery.

"When I get back to Moscow, I'll find a way to honor her." Natasha murmured quietly to Steve. She sat close to him, his arm around her as she leaned into his side. She knew wherever Yelena was in the universe, she was probably looking down on them with a smirk. 

"I know you will." He told her as he kissed her forehead.

The pastor was preaching in German, but Natasha was having a hard time listening because neither her nor Yelena had ever been really religious. It felt like hours later when he stepped down from the podium, and it was time for Natasha to honor her sister in the only way that she could. Her hands were shaking as she took the pastor's place and looked out at her friends and the few Red Room agents who'd been able to make the trip to Germany from Moscow. She hadn't prepared a speech, but she hadn't needed to because she had so much to say to Yelena that she'd never gotten to.

"When I told Yelena that I planned to overthrow the government, she laughed, told me I was crazy, and said that I would probably die trying. However, she told me that no matter the odds that were against us, she would stand beside me, and we would die together fighting for something we believed in. Yelena always believed in me, and she always inspired me. She inspired me to fight as hard as she did, to not be afraid to speak my mind and not back down from a challenge. She showed me what it meant to stand up in the world because that's what she had always done, and I'm so incredibly grateful to be her sister. She was kind, nonetheless sarcastic, and was always the first one to hold out her hand to someone when they needed help. She will always inspire me to be better and do better, to try and fight as hard as she did everyday. I promise that I will honor her in every possible way that I can and not a day will go by that I won't miss her. I know this isn't the end for her, that she's probably somewhere out there laughing at us because we're crying like fools, but I know that she's watching over those she loves just as she's always done." Natasha said, trying to ignore how tight her throat was and how the tears blurred her version. She stepped down from the podium and returned to her seat beside Steve, swiftly pressing into his side as he pulled her close.

"That was beautiful, 'Tasha." He said, sounding just as emotional as she felt.

She clutched his hand as the German soldiers, whom were actually Steve's friends, fell in line and fired a gun salute to Yelena. One of the soldiers placed a folded Russian flag into Natasha's along with a folded American flag. She frowned because Yelena had never worn an American uniform and looked at Steve who had planned the procession

 _"She fought for all of us." He told her._


End file.
